Life in Japan

The Shocking Truth About Dating in Japan as a Foreigner

Ever wondered what dating is like in Japan?
Well, then here you go!

However, be warned: If you want to read about bragging stories of all those Western guys who get laid a hundred times per day, then you came to the wrong place.
There are tons of blog posts like that out there. You certainly won’t find that here – and not from a foreign girl like me! smilie

Before we start talking about “Dating in Japan” one thing should be crystal clear:

 

1. Dating is not the same for foreign women and men!

If you’ve ever been to Japan you might have noticed that there’s a tremendous number of (often not so handsome) foreign guys walking hand-in-hand with Japanese women. And at the same time there’s only a very tiny number of foreign (read: non-Asian) women with Japanese men next to them.

You might ask yourself why is that?
Maybe that’s a secret we’ll never quite get, but there are many theories!

A lot of Japanese women want a guy that tells them several times a day how much he loves them. For some reason (maybe through the consumption of too many Hollywood movies) Japanese women think that foreign men are like that! They’re not afraid of showing their feelings in public or telling their girls flat out how they feel about them.

Of course, having a foreign boyfriend is also “cool” and “exotic“. Some just use those poor guys as cute little “accessories“.
The extreme version of this is known as “gaijin hunter” and some will do everything for the sake of having one of those adorable “half”-kids (half Western, half Japanese) just to toss their foreign guy later on.

For foreign women it’s a completely different story.
Japanese men seem to expect certain things from a woman. Things that they fear a foreign woman would not agree to do (e.g. stay home, take care of the kids, always pour new alcohol into his empty glass etc.).
Maybe they also think that a foreign woman might expect from their man that he’s telling his feelings straight out several times a day, something a shy Japanese man just won’t do.

Another problem is that many of the Japanese men seem to be afraid of their English ability and thus fail to approach a foreign woman.
Most foreign men on the other hand, have no issues approaching a Japanese woman in English – or even in broken Japanese.

These are just a few theories by friends, co-workers and myself. I’m sure you have your own and there’s much more behind all this, but that’s it for starters, I guess.

 

2. Dating in Japan as a foreign man:

As a result, dating in Japan is usually quite easy for men.
At least getting one woman after another into your bed, is really easy, even if you’re quite ugly!
For some reason Japanese women seem to find even ugly foreign guys attractive …..

It might be a bit more difficult if you’re looking for a serious relationship as there are those women I mentioned earlier who either want you as “exotic accessory” or just want your DNA to create a cute “half-child”.

All in all, it is comparably easy for a Western foreign man to find a Japanese woman or to have a nice relationship here in Japan.
For some guys it really gets to their heads and they start bragging about it like crazy as part of the superstar syndrome.

 

3. Dating in Japan as a foreign woman:

The complete opposite is the case for (Western) foreign women in Japan.
Japanese guys are often too shy, scared or whatever and the majority of Western men is only interested in Japanese / Asian women.
As a result it is extremely tough to find a date as a foreign woman here in Japan.

It is by far not impossible and I know quite a few girls who don’t only have a Japanese boyfriend, but are also married to a Japanese man, but it is still the BIG exception!

Some of us will go through a hard time here in Japan.
You’ll start to feel completely unattractive and ignored at times.
Of course, you get a lot of attention and there’s all this staring, but it’s not because anybody is flirting with you … or at least you don’t know the difference anymore.

It might be a different story in bigger cities such as Tokyo and Osaka with a more international community, but in smaller cities and in the countryside with more traditional ideals it can be very difficult for foreign women.

 

4. Differences in relationships:

I personally know a few couples where either the man or the woman is foreign and I noticed quite a lot of differences in the kind of relationship they have.

Please note that the following is based on my personal experience and that not everybody out there is like that.

 

Foreign man, Japanese woman:

In relationships where the man is foreign I noticed that they mostly speak his native language. Although they live in Japan and sometimes even have children together who also speak Japanese, the foreign guys don’t / can’t speak Japanese.

I also experienced that they’re unable to do anything on their own. When I ask them about how they got their cellphone or credit card they just answer they don’t know because their wife did it for them. smilie
Consequently they don’t see the need to study Japanese, because their wives will take care of it all.

One big problem seems to be the fact that in Japan the man earns the money, but the woman takes care of it! The man only gets a small allowance every week or month and needs to ask his wife for permission if he wants to spend any more of his own hard-earned money! Foreign guys often seem to struggle with this system.

Because of  all that I’ve seen couples who got divorced, even when there were kids involved. I noticed that those kind of relationships seem to work out better if they live in his home country and not in Japan.

 

Foreign woman, Japanese man:

For the opposite constellation you’ll see that in most(!) cases the woman speaks Japanese. She has studied Japanese properly or puts in a lot of effort to improve her Japanese ability even if the Japanese man can speak her native tongue.

They know how to survive in Japan even without the help of their husband / boyfriend who is at work most of the time anyways.

The man seems to accept that she wants to keep working even after marriage. Most of the time those kind of Japanese men who get into a relationship with a foreign woman are more open-minded and have some experience with foreign culture because either they’ve lived or studied abroad for a while. And even those who haven’t seem to accept that there are cultural differences and they don’t expect the same they would from a Japanese woman.

All the couples I know of have a relatively harmonic relationship. Of course, there are enough reasons for disputes, but all in all they seem to manage better than couples where the man is foreign.

 

5. Conclusion: Dating in Japan

There’s so much more that could be said about this topic and I’d love to discuss it with you some more.
I’m sure everyone has their own opinion and experience with this!

All I want you to keep in mind is that as a guy you should not let it get to your head because suddenly you get all this attention from beautiful women.
And as a foreign girl you should keep in mind that your time in Japan – at least in terms of romantic relationships – could be quite lonely at times.

Read on:

 

If you still want to read more, here are some great books on “Dating in Japan”:

 

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368 Comments

  • My experience in Japan is probably extraordinary to the typical. I’m a multiracial female (white/indian mother and black father) with average looks. In Tokyo, I have been approached by several Japanese men in the 15 months I’ve been here, and I’ve dated 3 Japanese guys for various times. I’m bi, and am currently dating a Japanese girls. Although fewer men approach me than they would stateside, it doesn’t seem like it’s so significantly different. Granted, I live in Yokohama and frequent Tokyo. I can’t imagine I’m the only female of the greater Tokyo region to whom Japanese guys are drawn to. Anyway, Japanese women are way better to date than Japanese men.

    • I suppose it really makes a huge difference where you live and where you go.
      I can guarantee that nothing much ever happens here in the countryside in Japan – and I’ve never lived in a big city here.
      And if you hang out in bars and other places in the evening, it’s possible that you’ll be approached by a Japanese man.

      I’m sure that it’s very different in bigger cities, but I’m also sure that the ratio Japanese man / foreign woman vs. Western man / Japanese woman is still extreme even there.

  • It’s so interesting to read some of the responses to this post. The post is interesting, too!

    I enjoy a lot of Japanese media and culture. I even make Sushi on occasion. Like many do, I used to have romantic ideas about Japan and life there.

    My romantic notions died quickly, when I started to really learn about Japan, and not only about their beautiful language and culture. Their customs and day-to-day behaviors are so different from what I’m used to. Not to mention that I actually like the “western” way of doing things, generally. I’m a very forward and emotionally open person. :=)

  • The shocking truth? Mah, I don’t agree.

    If most/all foreign guys with a Japanese GF you know are speaking English then you need to stop hanging out with the teacher crowd. No most of them don”t speak Japanese, most of them never will (and that includes teachers at universities).

    Same goes for not being able to buy your own phone or thinking its easier to go with your wife/gf. Bullshit. When I bought my first phone in Japan three years ago I could only speak some basic Japanese and I didn’t have any problems. Yes it takes a bit longer but if you live here you should do stuff like that by yourself and not rely on others like some stupid ignorant gaijin!

    And that is exactly the reason why a lot of girls end up getting rid of their gaijin pet. At the end of the day they want a guy that is going to take care of them, not some moron that can’t even buy a phone.

    As far as relationships go, I think it’s very hard for a foreign guy to have a truly good relationship with a Japanese woman. My biggest problem is that most girls my age (~25) are very childish. If I talk to woman 35 – 45 years old I feel they are more my age as for as personality goes. So thats the first problem… I dated a 44 year old woman for a while that I truly love(d) but obviously the age difference is too big in the long run.

    Also the girl/woman needs to be a bit different than the average Japanese woman. I feel most woman, no matter how much they like all the foreign stuff, have a LOT of problems accepting that dating a foreigner means you will have to adjust yourself a little bit to him as well. If tried to explain to girls I dated so often, they always say yes I understand and then continue to do exactly the same as before… they just cannot change (though that goes for Japanese in general).

    • I don’t hang out with the “teacher crowd”. Never have.
      However, it’s a fact that the majority of Western foreigners is a) male and b) from an English speaking country. Thus, it’s just natural that the majority of Western guys you’d see or meet is speaking English and falls into the category I’ve described.

      I’m glad to see that you are different – and I KNOW that luckily there ARE people like that.

      I can’t imagine that Japanese women would end a relationship because the guy depends too much on her. A Western woman certainly would, but most Japanese women are the ones who make all the decisions. They manage the family budget. The man just brings home the money, the wife does the rest. I met a few foreign guys who didn’t like that kind of role allocation.
      They had to ask their wives for an allowance although it was them who worked hard to earn that money.

      I can relate to what you said about younger Japanese women not being mature. I suppose that is a problem, but I’ve met a few who were very mature at a young age. I guess there are always exceptions, but it’s hard to find them.

  • So, I’m an exchange student here in Japan living in a suburb in Yokohama of Mexican-American background but I’m not very dark skinned (I am tan) and have been told by European foreigners that they’d never guess that I’m not white. I’m bilingual in English and Spanish but came in without a Japanese language background. My classes are in English except for my Japanese language class that has been moving too slowly. It’s officially been one month since I’ve been here…

    I have to say this before even getting into how this happened; I DID NOT come to Japan with even the slightest hopes or wants of a Japanese boyfriend. I had academic priorities that went out the window as soon as I realized how easy university is here compared to home.

    I met my boyfriend at a hip-hop club in Shibuya during my second week here. I wasn’t even supposed to go to the club that night and not even that specific club either. We ended up there by accident. I was really drunk at first and could only manage to notice that he was’t a twiggy guy but was very muscular and a fair dancer when he wasn’t trying to get into my pants. I do remember however, before I met him; nobody wanted to dance with me except for the friends I was with and nobody even wanted to be close to me. However, he decided to dance with me and use all the English he had ever learned to try and take me back to his place.

    But I sobered up quickly and lost my friends in the midsts of the whole thing. At the time, I only had wi-fi service on my phone because my new SIM card wasn’t working. Even though he really wanted me to go home with him, he helped me look for my friends and accepted my rejection of his, “let’s go back to my place,” pleas. He honestly could have done some shady stuff but instead he bought me some water since I was dehydrated and helped me get to the nearest JR lines. (Mind you, I do know some survival Japanese) He added me on Line, told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend even though I’d be leaving at the end of the year and suggested we see each other soon after.

    I honestly didn’t take any of it seriously at first but he text me every day after that and out of boredom I decided to see him the following Saturday night which resulted in a sleep over. Again, I placed myself in a shady situation since I walked down some dark alley to get back to his place…but the next morning I found myself pretty content waking up next to him (if you know what I mean..). I’d originally made plans to hang out with some friends at Yoyogi Park but ended up going to the park with him instead. We made a date out of the whole thing and even took purikura.

    All the English he can’t articulate, he looks up on his phone. He kisses me whenever are standing around, waiting or looking at something. I’m not really big on PDAs at all but he fawns over me constantly and tells me how attractive he thinks I am. He holds my hand all the time and says the cheesiest things. I find it somewhat amusing how much he seems to worship me…but..he’s genuinely a good guy and told me he doesn’t go clubbing often. So much like me, we just happened to be there on a random night and got lucky.

    I’m not thin. I’m definitely fat by Japanese and American standards. I wear glasses. I don’t wear dresses often. I’m usually in shorts and a tank top or lose shirt and a snapback hat and sneakers. I dress like a punky skater kid and he seems to not mind at all even though he’s definitely fit and has a good enough job to be dating someone better. It could definitely be the dating a gajin factor and standing out that has him still all over me but the sex is good so…why not?

    Other than him however, I’ve mainly just been inappropriately asked out by men on streets or solicited for sex (in the most casual and covered up of clothes).

    Again, I wasn’t looking to have a boyfriend but I’m also not big on one-night-stands so to have a consistent go to partner is nice even though I’m not totally emotionally invested yet. Even though he’s muuuuuuch older than me, he has the energy of someone my age. He’s pretty respectful of the cultural differences between us and even the fact that I’m a vegetarian (he doesn’t eat meat when he’s with me even though I insist).

    Maybe I’m just a super rare case? Or maybe people looking for something should begin by not looking at all.

    • I’m not looking at all – and yet I’ve never encountered anybody.
      There seems to be a HUGE difference between big cities and the countryside in Japan.
      All my previous female co-workers around my age were Japanese. They were beautiful and smart. Yet NONE of them had a boyfriend.
      Why? Because we lived in the Japanese countryside with no possibilities to go out and our working schedule also didn’t allow to meet people our age.
      If even they couldn’t find a guy, how am I (or all the other foreign girls living in the countryside) supposed to find a guy?
      One has to be very lucky.

      In Tokyo things surely are different. For Japanese it might be difficult to stand out as there are so many people, but for foreigners it might be just the right place. I don’t know.

      Thanks so much for sharing your lovely story with us! :D

  • Hi I’m Japanese. I totally agree with you regarding foreign guys can easily get Japanese girls even if they are ugly… and that is the one of things that kinda annoys me! Because I know some foreigners who would not be cool at all back in their country think that they are so cool (of course not all the forefingers!) because lots of girls here like to be with them and girls become somehow easy to foreign dudes but not to Japanese.. I know this because when I go out in Tokyo I’ve faced those kind of guys who don’t even have good looking, and some literally told me “I want to hit on you” and I tell them to get lost. It’s quite funny to see their reaction though as they would never expect to hear that from Japanese girl!! haha anyway obviously those guys who would say something like that to Japanese girls think they are so cool.. I wonder if they can say that to girls in their country! I’m sure they would get told to fxxk off lol
    Anyway your article was pretty interesting to read and quite correct what you are saying! I hope you enjoy spending your life here!:D

    • Hello Hitomi!

      Thanks so much for sharing your opinion. It’s great to hear how a Japanese woman feels about it. :D

      I’m sure that a handful of guys becomes too confident here in Japan because they’re all “treated like a superstar”.
      That’s how they end up approaching women in Japan although they would have never dared to do so back home.

  • Thank you for this interesting post. I’m a German girl living in Japan since April. It’s especially fun to tell people in Germany that I live in Fukushima now – as everybody seems to believe that it’s kind of a zombie zone… I study at a university for computer science, so it’s like a girls heaven: a university full of good-looking, young, single Japanese guys. Well in fact it’s not heaven at all. In Germany I’ve never been single for longer than a few months, I had never had problems about dating a guy. I’ve been living here since 6 months now and I didn’t have a serious date yet. I’m currently the only Western female student here, so I get quite some attention, even from other foreign students. But Japanese guys are still a big mystery to me.
    Language is not such a big problem for me as I can speak quite some Japanese – I’m member of two clubs at my university where there are no other foreigners and all the communication is completely done in Japanese.
    There was one very brave Japanese guy that tried to flirt with me. He sent me several signs of interest and at one party he sent two of his friends to ask me all kinds of embarrassing questions, while he turned into super-shy mode and didn’t talk to me at all. After that nothing happened at all and I felt like he was not serious at all…
    Of course I fell in love with one Japanese boy in my research team. I wrote him many cute love letters in Japanese and English but he didn’t reply for many months. After some time I finally asked him in person and he told me that he can’t date me because we work in the same team. Currently I’m thinking about giving him up or trying to convince him to try it.

    Yeah so I totally agree that dating in Japan as a Western woman is not easy at all. But it’s kinda nice to know that I’m not the only one having these problems.

    • Isabel, thanks so much for sharing your story.
      I’m sorry to hear what happened, but being in university, you’ll have the chance to meet so many people, so I’m sure you’ll find someone in the future! :D
      And who knows, maybe it’ll work out with him!
      No matter what you decide to do, I wish you good luck! ^____^

    • In one word: impossible!
      Nobody will be able to tell you if Japan’s a good or a bad place for YOU!
      There are a lot of good and bad things about life in Japan, but everybody has to decide individually if it’s for them or not.
      The only way to really find out is to come to Japan and live here for a while.
      No matter what others say, the way YOU experience Japan might be completely different! ;)

  • I think the author is very out of touch with the male perspective when she claims that dating is easier for foreign men in Japan than it is for foreign women. I’m sure many guys who’ve been to Japan will vouch for the fact that its the worst place to pick up women. It seems to be a combination of apparent frigidity and very high standards on the part of their women. It’s almost felt like you have to stand out or be impressive in every way to bring Japanese women out of the shell they have built around themselves.

    • Hey Tim!

      Well, as I’m female it’s hard to take a male perspective on this topic. I’m sure you understand this.
      I’m just writing from what I’ve observed, heard and experienced. And it’s a fact that there are a lot of foreign guys who like bragging about how easy it is / was for them to get a girl here in Japan.
      If you read other comments here and in related posts, you’ll find a lot of foreign females who state that it’s extremely difficult for them to get a Japanese guy.

      I’m well aware that everyone’s experience is different and you are not the only one who seems to have difficulties like that. Others have already commented that they have a hard time finding a Japanese girlfriend.
      I guess it depends on so many factors that it is impossible to generalize the whole situation.

  • Jasmine, this is a very interesting post. Before I go any further, I want to point out that Isabel’s (the girl from Germany) experience made me feel like I wanting to reach out and give her a big hug. It was very sad. I mean, what kind of guy does that? He probably had erectile dysfunction, lol (just kidding) At least he was honest.

    I will have to agree with most people here about men exaggerating their success with Japanese women, as I have witnessed this kind of thing first hand. You can believe such stories (about getting laid like Don Juan) when it comes to places Thailand and Philippines, but not Japan. I personally, cannot rate myself on how good I am with women, as I believe that’s something that only other people (my peers) can tell. That being said, we can all agree that it’s easier for foreign men (especially western men) than women to get some in Japan.

    My experience in Japan was one of those things that I will never forget (sometimes I felt like one of those strange humanoid alien creatures. I felt like some girls liked this creature, but were like scared to get close a, lol..:) and on the other hand other girls never wanted anything to do with this creature) Many times I was also pleasantly surprised..:) For the most part I loved it, but there were also many times when I felt like getting on the next flight home, immediately.

    You see, I am black (born and raised in the Eastern part of Africa- Uganda, currently living in Norway). I went to Tokyo with a Norwegian friend (typical Nordic looking, very blonde and light eyes and very handsome too). I lived in a city called Sagamihara (Kanagawa Prefecture) for three years. For some reason, on the very first day, Japanese women made me really nervous. They are so cute and so well mannered. They made me feel like western women were so very arrogant & bitchy (which of course is not the case). My friend actually got laid within the first two months with three different girls (which never happens back in Oslo). Meanwhile, I didn’t even think about getting a hug as I thought my chances were next to zero. After about a year and three months, I managed to convince a beautiful Japanese girl that I was not ”Jabba the Hutt” from Star Wars. I have visited many countries and this was the longest it took me to score (my record time of 3 days being in Austria). Not to mention that I only managed to get laid with only two girls in three years. That was definitely a first. But I met a guy from Spain who made me feel like I didn’t do that bad. He said he had a similar experience.

    Also, I realized that most Japanese women who are involved with western men are not really looking for anything serious. My friend went super crazy with one of the three girls that he ‘banged’ (excuse my language), but he never succeeded to have a relationship. She even turned down his proposal for marriage. Meanwhile, my first girl was really serious and wanted to move with me to Norway and start living together (which was very surprising), but I was not sure I could handle a woman who I perceived to be very boring (I am very outgoing and I love outdoors and she never even loved to go hiking in the mountains) I felt bad because she had all the qualities of a ‘good wife’ and things were great in the bedroom too.

    The funny thing though is that, despite the fact that I love the cuteness of Japanese women, I cannot stand it that they are so boring (socially) and I know that I might be generalizing here, but I never felt that energy that I always feel with girls here. I would be interested to hear from other black man as I only met only one black gentleman in Japan and he was African American (from a culture that I don’t really understand so we didn’t have a conversation about this)

    • Thank you mm. I also believe that the situation for serious relationships is not easier for men. At the University I never saw a foreign boy with a Japanese girl. I talked to some Vietnamese boys and they seemed very depressed about Japanese women, so they are basically hoping to get married with a Vietnamese girl in their home country. There are a few Western professors being married to Japanese women but I guess that money and the good position is the main factor for them.

      The story about the Japanese guy from my lab is actually much sadder. I basically tried everything to convince him. I made him a Bento, baked a cake for him and organized a super-fun birthday party for him a few weeks ago. Because it was his birthday I decided to go for a final attack and made a personal present for him.
      I bought an empty book and filled it with the story of my love for him. How I fell in love with him and about all the things I like about him. Every page had about 2 or 3 sentences in English and Japanese and a drawing. I’m horribly bad at drawing but I put lots of effort and I got honest praise from the people around me whom I showed the book. There was also one page with a drawing of his face. The book ended with telling him that I was still willing to date him even though he turned me down with this obvious excuse of working in the same team. On my last page, I told him that it’s his story now and that there are still many white pages that can be filled.

      All of my friends told me that this is just such a wonderful present that he has to fall in love with me. They were asking me constantly how he reacted. And I can tell you over three weeks later that he completely ignored the whole thing. He pretended that nothing happened. As if he threw the book into the next trash bin on the way home. He didn’t even thank me for my effort – in fact I had been working for that present three full days.
      This was really a heart breaking experience for me and I sometimes feel embarrassed about myself how I could fall in love with him in the first place. As if it’s completely impossible to seriously date a Japanese guy and it’s my own fault trying.

    • God, mm, thanks so much for your comment!
      It was fascinating and interesting to read about your and your friend’s experience.
      I truly enjoyed reading it! :)

      I think the more exotic somebody is – the more popular he / she might be.
      In Italy, Spain or Turkey your blonde, blue-eyed friend would be super popular as well. However, in other Scandinavican countries, he doesn’t stand out at all.
      Japanese have dark hair and dark eyes, so I think they prefer blonde (or red) hair and green or blue eyes.

      I heard that for whatever reason some seem to be scared of black people here in Japan. Maybe you guys are a bit too exotic for the standard Japanese person?

      Somebody once wrote that Japanese girls like accessories – and having an “exotic boyfirend” is like the best accessory you can get.
      However, most girls aren’t serious about their foreign guys. That’s what happened to your friend as well – and I’m sorry to hear that.

      There are also so-called “gaijin hunters” who just want one of those cute “half kids” and as soon as they got them, they break up.

      I don’t know too many African American men in Japan, but certainly look for “Loco in Yokohama” and read about his experience with women in Japan if you want to know more about it! ;)

  • Isabel, I hate to be the one pointing this out, but it seems to me that you made a few big mistakes. I may be 100% wrong, as I am not an authority on these issues, but this is what I think.
    1- As a female, you just cannot make the first move when it comes to Japanese men. That was too forward and I think aggressive for him. In their minds, men should be doing the approaching first, NOT women. And I understand that what you did is acceptable in the west, but don’t forget that you are in Japan and the customs of the land apply to you too (most foreigners think that Japanese people don’t mind if they abuse customs and cultural practices). He must have been intimidated or something. I mean, I would be..:) When I came to Norway I was so shocked to learn that women can actually approach men and apparently, the men seem not to mind it (that would be completely unacceptable in my culture). Because I come from a culture that is very masculine and patriarchal– just like Japan– I thought that was very weird. But, now I get it.

    I think his reaction is one way of telling you that… ”Come on gal, women do not chase men in Japan. It’s the other way round”. And quite frankly, even though such things may be acceptable in your culture, I think, generally, most ‘men’ would rather do the chasing than being pursued. Notice that, I put ‘men’ in quotes because we might have different conceptions of what constitutes manly or man.

    2- Again, this might be completely wrong, but don’t you think that he gets the ‘desperate girl’ vibe from you? I think that would put off most men regardless of their cultural background. I guess most men would run for the hills if they got that vibe.

    Lastly, I would want to think that more subtle signals that you are interested in a guy will be more successful in the future (and it’s also far more attractive to flirt indirectly). I always pick up on those before launching my attacks. I mean, you can use eye contact and stuff. I for one wouldn’t want any woman coming at me like that. I would freak out (but that’s just me). Though I guess most European/western men would not find that a problem at all. Other than that, good luck.
    Peace. JAR, Rastafari.

  • As a South African Xhosa guy who really wants to go to Japan in the near future, I notice you mention Westerners and I assume you mean people from America/Europe. Does this also happen to all foreigners because I do admit I am in love with Japanese women but I’m too shy and usual I talk to women when they talk to me.

    I’m also not sure if this was a stupid rumor that my friends told me but they said that since I am an otaku no Japanese women will ever talk to me :disappointed: once I go to Japan and I enjoy manga and anime a lot and to add fuel to the fire I am a proud introvert :thumbup: . I have also been taking some self learn Japanese language tutorials and I admit it is quite difficult but I’m enjoying it :thumbup: .

    What would any of the Japanese women advise me to do to be more approachable once I go to Japan? In Shaa Allah

    • Like I said it happens mainly to non-Asian foreigners.
      It greatly depends where you live in Japan as it is different in a big city compared to the countryside.

      As for introvert otaku, I think it’s not only a rumor. I fear that a lot of Japanese women are not in those kind of men. But there are exceptions. ;)
      If you haven’t read / watched “Densha Otoko”, I HIGHLY recommend it to you! :D

      HOWEVER, I have no idea what Japanese women think about FOREIGN otaku to be honest.
      I hope a Japanese woman will be so nice and share her opinion here with us.

      • I had a feeling you would say something along those lines, but from what you said there is a chance. I guess it will all boil down to the question, can I try to be more social. I will watch Densha Otoko, I heard about manga inspired from that movie. If there are Japanese women who could help please do, it would be appreciated. Thank You

  • Hola! I just finished reading your post and I agree with almost all of it. I had the “superstar experience” when I went to Japan in a homestay proram two years ago. People even handled me their babies and children just for me to hug them and I felt like the Pope! About married couples, here in my country there’s a not that little japanese community and I have noticed that there are maaaaaaany japanese women married to men from here. The men usually speak some japanese (which is weird because they don’t live in Japan, but I guess it had to do with how they met their wives) and their children are totally bilingual. Something I’ve noticed is that, when it comes to children, japanese genes are always the dominant ones, so they still look really japanese and not so much like their foreigner dad :P
    It was interesting reading you!

    • Hi Lica!

      I just want to say one thing, namely that the Japanese DNA is not always dominant. There are mixed children with blonde hair and blue eyes.
      It’s a very complicated topic, but if you want to you can read more about it here.

      Thanks a lot for sharing your experience.
      You felt like the Pope, I totally understand. *g*

  • I’m an American woman (25 years old) and married to a Japanese man. We met in America, but I ended up moving back to Japan with him. We’ve been married nearly 5 years, and have a son now. I’m very happy in my marriage. I found myself smiling and nodding along to so many points in your piece here. It does seem rather easy for any dorky white guy to come here and find a girl, while a beautiful western girl can be single. My husband says that he believes it is mostly the confidence aspect. He says Japanese men, and women, for that matter, are generally poor at English, and they often presume (often wrongly) that the western woman is not capable in Japanese. My husband says that most Japanese men will not approach a non-Japanese woman also because he is sure she will turn him down. Japanese men are aware of the western stereotypes about them, and assume a western woman would not want them. And it is true that many Japanese men have certain expectations about women that at least American girls haven’t had to live with since the 1960s. But, there are more open-minded ones out there. If you are a western girl living in Japan and interested in dating a Japanese guy, my advice would be GENTLY make the first move. Don’t be overly assertive, because this is seen as not lady like, and accept that Japanese men are not going to be like the guys back home. They are generally not affectionate (at least in public), they are typically shy, and they work a lot. But, there are plenty out there that are interested. After several drinks, several of my husband’s friends openly congratulated on him “getting a beautiful white girl”, told him they respected him more now, and asked me to set them up with some friends of mine. They would have NEVER said this if they hadn’t been loosened up by alcohol, but it definitely left me wondering if I should be offended or flattered! ;)

    • Hey, Kari.
      Thanks a lot for dropping by and sharing your story with us.

      In fact, a lot of Japanese – male and female – seem to be of the opinion that Japanese men are just too shy and also don’t expect a foreign girl would be interested in them.
      It also makes sense that many assume foreign women can’t speak Japanese.
      However, I’ve heard of women who had nice conversations in Japanese with Japanese men and also showed interest in them, but the men didn’t seem to be interested – at all.

      I think your advice to GENTLY make the first move it a good one.

      In the end, it affords a lot of luck and courage on our side. At least it’s not impossible – which is what I wanted to show with my blog post. And stories like yours just help to push our single girls’ courage some more! :D

  • I am thinking of dating a Japanese lady as in Hong Kong where I live I can’t find a decent lady and I have heard from some of my friends who worked in the former Royal Hong Kong Police that the Japanese lady are better than the typical Hong Kong lady too

      • Many Officers as I know who still work in the HKP (Hong Kong Police) have decided to date or get married to Japanese Women because in China,Men outnumber women 3 to 1 due to the one child policy as well

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