Life in Japan

All You Ever Wanted To Know About Dating Japanese Men

After publishing the article “The Truth About Dating In Japan As A Foreigner” a lot of female readers asked me what it’s like to date a Japanese guy.

Many seemed to be interested in cultural differences and resulting problems in the relationship between a foreign woman and a Japanese man.

Although I’ve been in Japan for 6 years now, I totally lack that kind of experience. smilie

Instead I asked friends and fellow bloggers, who have had Japanese boyfriends or are even married to a Japanese man, to share their personal experience with us.

It was an interesting journey and I want to thank all of the participants for taking the time to tell us about their own unique story. smilie

 

Name: Zia
Nationality: Puerto Rican
Age: 24

First, let’s hear what Zia has to say. She’ been in Japan for many years and had to go through a lot during her time here already:

I moved to Japan when I was 18 and have been dating Asian guys ever since. I’ve never dated Western guys, though. I often hear girls who long for Asian boyfriends say that Western guys are dogs, and I can confidently say that Asian men are no different. Just like with any place you go, you have your good guys and your bad guys.”

Dating Japanese MenZia, I think we can all agree with that! smilie

“During my first couple of years here, I encountered a lot of guys whose interest in me came purely from the fact that I was foreign. They wanted to know all about Puerto Rico and always brought up the fact that one day, I’d return to my own country.”

I wonder if that’s generally one thing that might prevent Japanese men from dating a Western girl. They’re afraid that one day she might leave Japan again? Hm.

“Now that I’m older, I still come across a lot of men who seem interested in dating a foreigner for language reasons. These are the types of guys I feel we foreign girls encounter most. Amongst them, the good guys are hidden!”

I think that’s generally a big problem – not only when trying to find an “honest” relationship, but also true friends. I’ve heard from many people that they were just “used” as an opportunity to get free English lessons (or whatever their native language was). I bet it’s difficult to filter the ones who are truly interested.

Not only that, but also stereotypes seem to be an issue:

“There are a lot of stereotypes and some girls use them for their own personal gain. Those that stand true to who they are seem to be the ones who find solid relationships. In my case, for instance, men are quick to bring up the topic of bikinis and love hotels the minute I mention I’m Latina. They expect me to put out whenever we’d go out. For a long while, after the loss of someone I planned on spending my entire life with, I gave in to that stereotype and was unable to get involved in a serious relationship.”

Zia is pointing out a few problems in her current relationship due to cultural differences:

“Now, I’m in a happy relationship with an older man who doesn’t speak a lick of English or Spanish, which is my main language. We come across a lot of problems. For one, I’m very passionate in my way of moving and speaking, and I sometimes forget to respect personal space. I’m not at all intimidated by physical contact. He’s the opposite. What we consider common sense is very different.”

 

 

Name: Jen
Nationality: British
Age: 27

Jen has dated a couple of Japanese guys and is now married to one. She has experienced issues in her relationship because of cultural differences:

“When I first started dating my husband he was embarrassed to hold hands with me in public. This applied more in Japan than when we were in England, although now he seems completely okay with it. In general, Japanese men are likely to be embarrassed about showing affection in public – even things like putting an arm around someone’s shoulders, or hugging, never mind kissing. Very touchy feely Japanese couples are definitely NOT the norm.”

As another big problem Jen states:

Long working hours and overtime are common here in Japan. My first Japanese boyfriend would go for weeks without contacting me because he was working late every day. Also, a general lack of e-mailing, phone calls etc. seems to be normal. Although I don’t think that this just applies to Japanese men!”

In the previous article we were already discussing the language issue that cross-cultural couples might have. Jen says:

“If you can both speak the other person’s language, there are probably going to be disagreements about what language to speak. My husband and I have a system where we swap languages every day – so today is an English day, and tomorrow is Japanese. At first, we went through periods where we would only speak English (which I didn’t like) or when we would only speak Japanese (which he didn’t like). Obviously we change it according to the circumstances (we are not going to speak in English to each other when out with a lot of Japanese friends!), but this system really works for us. I think this is an important thing to sort out!

Dating Japanese Men

Jen and her husband on vacation in Korea.

Jen’s advice for overcoming or dealing with cultural differences is:

“I think in general, it’s important to be very open about what you are expecting from the relationship. If you need a lot of hugs and affection, make sure that he knows and don’t just get annoyed that he’s not automatically doing it. As long as you’re both honest and open about things, and actually communicate properly with each other, it should be okay!”

If you are single like me, you probably wonder about how to approach a Japanese man. Jen suggests:

“Even if you are shy, if you like someone you should be proactive about it. There is a good chance that he will like you too, and just not have imagined that you could possibly be interested in him. A lot of Japanese men seem to have an inferiority complex (many of my Japanese male friends have told me this), so they might not imagine that any non-Japanese woman would ever be interested in them. So if you like someone, go for it!”

 

 

Name: River
Nationality: American (USA)
Age: late 20s

River is a young American who has dated a few Japanese guys before marrying one of them. About her first Japanese boyfriend she says:

“He was just a gaijin-hunter, so that didn’t go to well. He wouldn’t learn any English and it was really frustrating to communicate only in Japanese. At first I was happy about this, because I wanted to speak Japanese. However, the deeper things went, the more difficult it was to understand each other. Even when we broke up it was long and drawn out and he wanted to ‘stay friends’ which I’ve heard is what most Japanese guys like to do. Even after we’d been broken up for a few months he’d still write to me and ask what I was doing and how I was …”

After dating a few Japanese guys she finally met her husband. They seem to have issues caused by cultural differences, but they were able to overcome some of them:

When I started dating my husband, I didn’t really feel that we had any cultural barriers. I guess because by then I’d been in Japan long enough that I knew my way around and I had lived with two Japanese host families, so I have a good sense of Japanese manners and customs. We only spoke in Japanese with each other for a short time before he started to learn English, so he could communicate with me better. We eventually stopped speaking Japanese and now I’m actually unable to speak Japanese in front of him (shy, embarrassed … I’m not sure). I actually forget that he’s Japanese and that he can speak Japanese.”

Although they’ve found a solution for some of the problems, River says:

After we got married we had some trouble with things like housework and money, but I’m not sure if that’s just him, a Japanese trait, or normal married life. He doesn’t expect me to cook Japanese food and he doesn’t measure me by my miso soup making skills (I’ve gotten told by MANY people that my husband will basically judge me on my miso soup). We do have a lot of trouble communicating when we fight and again I’m not sure if it’s a language issue, culture, or just us …”

I found the following statement interesting, because I heard a lot of Western girls with Japanese boyfriends or husbands saying the exact same thing:

My husband isn’t a typical Japanese guy.

River adds:

“I actually have a big problem with people prefacing their relationships with their significant other’s ethnicity. I never call my husband my ‘Japanese husband’. And I hate it when people act like I won a prize or ‘got’ something special because he’s Japanese. He’s just … him.”

 

 

Name: Alyse
Nationality: American (USA)
Age: 25

Alyse, a young American woman married to a Japanese man, notices the following cultural differences that sometimes cause problems in her relationship:

“Every guy I’ve ever been in a relationship with has been different from the last, but I suppose dating a Japanese guy has the added spice of major cultural differences, as opposed to just differences in hobbies or upbringing. And from these differences, the biggest one would be language. No matter how fluent each of us becomes in our second language, something is always lost in translation, and that can quickly escalate into a huge argument until we don’t even remember what we started arguing about in the first place. But there’s nothing we can really do other than keep studying and keep trying. So for that part, a significant amount of patience might be necessary.”

Dating Japanese Men

The language barrier seems to be a real issue even when you try hard to understand each other. However, Alyse mentions other problems as well:

“Another difference I noticed has to do with taking care of the household. It took a bit of adjusting (especially on my husband’s side). We knew that we would both be working, but when we first got married, Shota was under the impression that I would be making him lunch every morning, doing his laundry, and just taking care of the house as well as going to work full-time. It’s taken all 3 years of being married and countless long-winded explanations/rants in English and Japanese on my part, but most of the chores are split down the middle now.”

Just like River, Alyse also notices cultural differences when it comes to responsibilities in the household. Her advice is:

“I think when it comes to international relationships, especially with women from countries where men and women are viewed as mostly equals, it takes a lot of time and effort by both for it to work, and if both aren’t ready to concede or make compromises, the relationship won’t last for long.”

Alyse also mentioned another potential issue that nobody else brought up thus far:

“Something I’ve heard is that their mothers can be quite a problem, and this isn’t just for non-Japanese women, but just for the wives of Japanese men in general. The relationship between the mother-in-law and wife can be tenuous at best, and disastrous at its worse. And if you’re dating/marrying the eldest son of the family, you might be expected to move in with his family to take care of his parents as they age. This trend has started to drop off a bit in this generation, but it’s just one of the many things you should think about in a serious relationship!”

I also asked Alyse if she has any advice for us single girls when it comes to dating Japanese men:

Landing a Japanese guy is EASY. Landing a guy who is serious about dating you, and understanding when he is serious, might be a bit harder to do. I didn’t start officially dating Shota until I confessed to him. If they reply positively, then you’re basically a couple, and if not, then it’s probably not going to work. But no matter how many dates you go on, you’re probably not a couple until you confess to him. At least, that’s how I’ve come to understand it. Every person/couple is different, so I suppose the biggest thing is to be open to whatever comes and not to make judgments or assumptions beforehand.”

 

 

Name: Claudia
Nationality: German
Age: 23

Claudia is a fellow German woman, but unlike me she met a Japanese guy in her younger days and got married already:

“My husband and I met when I was 19 and living in Tokyo on a Working Holiday Visa. I had not dated terribly much before. There had been two relationships that lasted for a while – with a Japanese guy and with a Korean guy.
We met through friends of friends. At the first meeting we exchanged mail addresses, met up a few times after that and at some point it just happened. Then, I had to leave the country (simple reason: my visa expired), we were in a long-distance-relationship for almost two years and got married as soon as he graduated university.”

Claudia says that her husband actually never wanted to marry a Japanese woman and here’s why:

“According to him, Japanese women are annoying, because they rather keep their emotions inside. Thus, little annoyances turn into huge problems. He also says that, as soon as Japanese women have babies, they turn into mothers, with not hint of the awesome wife you had before, destroying romance and attraction. I’m not entirely sure where he got these ideas from, but they’re his reasons.”

Dating Japanese Men

Claudia mentions issues, but also continuous efforts in her relationship that are necessary because of cultural differences:

“When we met he only spoke Japanese, but right now he is making an effort to learn English (we gave up on German, he promised he’ll start learning as soon as we have children). As most Japanese people, he is hugely interested in food and works too much. 120 hours of overtime should not be normal for anyone.”

According to Claudia the biggest difference between dating a Western man and dating a Japanese one is:

Showing physical affection outside of the house: When we started dating, he wouldn’t even hold my hand when we were outside. Fortunately he has gotten used to it, but he will not hold my hand in front of his parents unless I initiate it. Kissing is still extremely embarrassing for him, and so the physical part of the relationship happens at home. At first, this sudden change in affection as soon as the door closed behind us was weird, but now I actually like it. It’s like there’s a side of my husband only I know.

Another difference she has found between Japanese and German (Western) men is the following:

“He is willing to spend a lot more money on food and travel than I’d expect a German to. To him it’s normal that good things cost money and he’d rather have a stellar experience (paid for with his overtime pay) than a cheap, but unsatisfying one. He also doesn’t complain about my spending, as long as I can afford it.”

Claudia doesn’t mention any problems with her mother-in-law. On the contrary, she had less problems with her husband’s family than she thought she would have:

His parents luckily were excited about the prospect of gaining a German daughter-in-law. I’m not sure most Japanese parents would be that happy, but my father-in-law used to go abroad for work several times a year, and a relative has been living in Canada for basically forever, so they’re open towards foreign cultures. Oh, and Germany has a ridiculously good reputation in Japan. I had a chance to meet a big part of the family and the only one who had any ‘problems’ was my husband’s grandmother, who even after meeting me several times still doesn’t believe that I actually speak Japanese. I’m not going to complain though, she’s in her 80s.”

Claudia doesn’t seem to have to fight with her husband about doing the chores:

“Different from some other Japanese men, my husband doesn’t complain about my housewife skills. At least not a lot. He does not expect me to keep the house extremely clean or to cook every day. Not only does my husband not make a fuss, he actually helps with the household when he has the time.”

When asked for advice on how to go about finding a Japanese boyfriend, Claudia’s response was:

Know people who have access to tons of Japanese people. Ask to meet their friends. Be yourself, but keep in mind that Japanese culture is different from your own culture. Respect that, as far as you can without being untrue to yourself. Speaking Japanese also helps a big deal, especially as you will probably deal with the family of your boyfriend or spouse at some point.”

 

 

Name: Vivian
Nationality: Canadian
Age: 30

Last, but not least Vivian, a Canadian in her 30s, has a very positive opinion about cultural differences in a relationship:

“There’s always interesting cultural differences that pop up in the course of the relationship – some are exciting, while others can be more difficult to deal with, but I think it’s the same as any relationship, regardless of the culture. There’s always things you learn about the other person. Being in Japan, I think that dating a Japanese man can open up a whole new world, seeing Japan from a Japanese perspective, and you can learn a lot about the country and culture.”

As for finding a Japanese boyfriend, she suggests:

“I think men are men – everywhere in the world. Of course there are some specific cultural traits that differ, but overall, I’d say finding a Japanese boyfriend is the same as finding any boyfriend. Japanese men might seem shy at first, but ultimately they want the same thing.
If you can’t speak much Japanese, it’s probably best to go for a Japanese man who has lived abroad and can speak fluent English. If you can speak Japanese, you have better chances to meet them as it’s easier to have a conversation and flirt when you share a language. My advice is to take things slow, but if you like a Japanese guy don’t be shy to ask him out as he might be too intimidated to do so.”

Vivian has an interesting advice for anybody who wants to date a Japanese man that nobody else mentioned so far:

“This may not please everyone, but I suggest to take good care of your physical appearance. For example, most Japanese women are meticulous about their appearance, and while you don’t need to look like a walking doll, basic things like nice clothes, healthy body, skin and hair really make a difference. I believe you should never change your personality to please a man! I’m sure some Japanese men think most foreign girls are too loud and extroverted, but if that’s how you are then you should find someone who will embrace it.”

 

 

Dating Japanese Men – Conclusion

I think we all gained very interesting insights thanks to these young women who were willing to share their unique stories and experiences with us.

While there’s no doubt that each relationship is different, a few things were mentioned again and again. I guess it’s safe to say that you should keep those in mind if you are thinking about dating Japanese men:

  • Japanese men are often very shy, so you should be proactive
  • There might be no physical contact in front of others ( in Japan)
  • There might be fights over household responsibilities
  • Even if you speak each other’s mother tongue there might be communication issues
  • Overtime and long working hours could become a problem in a relationship
  • Be open-minded and ready to compromise

I know there are a lot of young women out there who are either interested in dating Japanese men or who are already in a relationship. This post could only display the experience of a handful of people. If you have your own unique story, questions or comments, don’t be shy and speak up! Of course, guys are welcome to share their opinion and experience as well! smilie

I’m looking forward to hearing from you! smilie

294 Comments

  • Hi,

    I am so happy I came across your blog. ^_^ Iam learning a lot. Now I know everything is normal. I also met my japanese boyfriend online. Two weeks after we chat through skype he came to the philippines. He wants to know how will I react if I knew the truth. He is sufferring from a disease close to parkinsons. He can walk but sometimes loses his ability to move his left leg.He has this medicine that he maintains so he can walk for a period of time. At first thought it will be a challenge but he was different! I had experience working in japan for a year so I had an idea how japanese men are like. He is just different! and it seemed like we know each other for a long time. He spent time with me for 2 weeks in manila and Iam so overwhelmingly happy. I dont know but I guess we are soulmates. He said he loves me and I love him too. For me His disease does not seem to exist at all. Personality wise he is an openminded, first born, full of sense of humor, child like but strict japanese man.Just like other japanese men, he is shy and does not display affection in public places. He does not reply or even call me when he is busy at work. The only catch here is that, how deeply we may fall for each other we cant be together. I got married when I was young and in my country divorce does not exist. Try as I may annulment is very expensive and Iam just a working single mother… ^_^

    I am thrilled to see that there are relationship with japanese men that has gone successfully despite the differences and the distance.. I dont know what the future brings but I keep an openmind. Thank you for this blog…. :) This made me really happy.

    • Awww, such a lovely story.
      It’s so sad that you cannot be together, though. I didn’t even know that there are still countries out there that don’t allow a divorce?!? :( ….

      Good luck to both of you. I hope you’ll stay in contact as soulmates and that his disease won’t get worse.

  • I have a Japanese boyfriend. We are dating for 8 months now. Everything was going well. Last week, I helped him with his research. We were happy. But then suddenly, 2 days ago, he stopped chatting. I was so worried so I called him many times but he didnt answer his phone. I called his hotel. The receptionist said they saw him left. I left my number just in case he lost his phone. He then chatted after an hour. He said he was sick. The next day no chat from him. that night, i asked how he was, i told him i want to bring him homemade food. But then he just said “thanks. leave me silent” I’m guessing he meant “leave me alone” then i told him “alright. if you’re ready to talk about your problem, let me know” then he said “thanks. but just leave me calmn down” then that was it. 2 days and still no news from him… I don’t understand. What does he mean?? Is he breaking up with me? what should i do? i really love him.. with all my heart :'(

    • Hi there,
      I don’t think anybody can really give you good advice.
      You know him much better than any of us does.
      I hope you could get into touch with him in the meantime and that he’s felling well again. :)

  • Thanks Zia Jen River Alyse Claudia and Vivian for sharing your experiences. Nowadays, I’m being interested with Japanese man and he’s 70% likewise about stories mentioned below. We just know each other through social media from friends of friends. By the way he’s a damn nice person and had smart personality as well. Thus, I have no confidence to tell him that I like him damn much >< RIP~~

    • I’d like to share with you a same-sex love story of myself with my Japanese BF. We-re both in our forties. It all started one night when I was out in a bar having a drink (In Taipei). Our eyes met and we hit it off, the next day we met again, things got really hot and the rest was history. Since we both returned to our countries (him Osaka, me in Hong Kong). We both speak fairly good English (I was surprised), and he has very keen interest in Chinese language too. We have very strong feeling for each other, and keeping in touch via Facebook, messenger and email. Naturally, we set a date to meet again, he suggested we both meet in Tokyo to view cheery blossoms together!

      I have read through many of the posts, and I feel compelled to agree that it is true, Japanese men are reluctant workaholics, expecting them to answer messages and emails can be very frustrating! Sometimes he does, often he doesn’t. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. About expression of feeling, that too, is very different to western men. They are mostly shy and extremely subtle. Perhaps exposing try feeling in Japanese culture is considered a bit blasé. So, one has to feel and read into it a bit harder. I have a good example to encourage him to express his feeling, but in a much more subtle way: Instead of saying I miss you blah blah blah, say I cannot forget you, it is more indirect, but more or less get the messages across, and it is easier for him to respond positively. You see, to miss someone is completely showing your feeling, which may be hard for your Japanese partner to reciprocate, but not being able to forget is such more personal and general. He responded to that by saying me too, it’s easier on his feeling and Japanese ego. But, I still got the fact that, yes, he cannot forget me also, which is good enough for me to know, a good base to start with.

      Since he added me on Facebook, often he would make his presence felt by selectively liking some, but not all of my posts. He does it a few times a week.I think, for me, the thing to learn here is to not read into the text and emails thing too much. If a solid meeting is set up, there really is not need to worry too much. I trust Japanese are good with keeping promises, especially ones that involve forking out expenses to fly and meet.

      I don’t know what will be the outcome of our romance, will it turn into a more serious relationship? Only time will tell….But for now, I am enjoying the sensation and looking forward to our next meeting, when our story can continue and possibly, writing our chapter two and maybe more. Don’t give up hopes of meeting sincere Japanese gay men. Be wise, sensible, and keep your mind open.

  • I want to give two more perspectives:
    Japanese men are domestically violent. They are, in fact, there are many studies and research on this. If you are reliant on them for a visa, they can be even more prone to abuse.

    Almost all of them do the domestic thing where they expect even a full time working female to do housework, even if they are unemployed. Ridiculous.

    But further, I have heard only two ways to break up. It is never direct. It is either “remain friends” or stop contacting. So yes, to most of the commenters, it is likely your man broke up with you, they do not directly tell you. I have heard of only these two ways to break up. I am sorry for you ladies, but trust me, a guy who wants to break up was not worth your time.

    • There’s a really good Japanese drama about this topic (domestic violence) called “Last Friends”. :)
      However, at least among all the mixed couples I know and have talked to, domestic violence NEVER came up. It would be interesting to find out if this is more common among Japanese couples. :(

      Thanks for sharing your expeirence with “ways of breaking up”.
      Now that I’m reading this it makes sense and I can totally see that being the two “top methods” among Japanese people although it’s a cowardly way of breaking up.

  • I’ve personally never been in a relationship with a Japanese guy but I like to write and make comics/manga with interracial couples. A lot of the couples end up being a Japanese man with a foreign (African-American) woman so I like to read articles like this as research before I start writing things. I have to say, I think your blog is my favorite one that I’ve found c:

  • Do you know of any American women looking for Japanese men websites?
    I’m from the US but not really attracted to most westerners. I find Japanese men attractive. However I’m very shy and it would be hard for me to go to Japan myself & explore and meet people. A dating site would make this easier? I also dont see eye to eye with most american men. :/

  • This made me realize that I’m not alone. I could relate to these especially my boyfriend would not message me for weeks and left me wonder if he still loves me or something wrong just happened. 😐

  • Wow this was a very very interesting read. I just turned 40 on the 11th and people here in the USA say I look younger, but with that being said I do have genetics from my Italian side of the family. That makes it hard for me to be skinny persay. I eat healthy and doctors tell me I am healthy but a bit chunky. My daughter is worried cause I plan on moving to Japan in 2017, to teach. She is worried that I will get made fun of and that I will become a hermit. I have never been married and yes, I would like to have someone to share my days and nights with and love to cook for ect. But its not dire for me to have to have it. I am a just go with the flow kind of person who doesn’t believe in judging others by how they look.
    But this blog was interesting to know how some peoples experiences. I like the no PDA in public, but with that being said I never knew that holding hands was a bad thing either.

    Thanks to all the women who shared their lives for us to read and learn from. Arigatou Gozaimasu!

    • Tania, I think you worry too much. ;)
      There are always people who might make fun of you no matter how you look or how old you are. It can happen anywhere, not only in Japan.
      This shouldn’t keep you from coming here. ^_____^
      I’m sure you’ll have a great time.

      As for finding a partner in Japan, I’m definitely the wrong person to ask. *g*
      But maybe some others have something to say to you.

      I’d love to hear back from you once you’ve settled down in Japan. ^___^

  • thank you, I got a lot of inform after read this post. I have a japanese friend. we’ve already made a friend more than a year. I live in my country and he is in japan. we never meet before until last year I come to japan for travel and alone. he prove his promise for spend his days and take a short holiday with me. everything became ok, until I back to my country. and it still ok. but suddenly he stop replying me (he never act weird like this before), a month after I back from japan. there is not something bad on our last chat. just suddenly. I so confused. he not reply, not answer my call. and after 2 weeks he suddenly send a text and tell me for “leave me alone, sorry” I shocked! I just though maybe he was disappointed after knew how I look like for real, and I not such as his expect. but I didn’t stop send some chat. I try again and again. because he didn’t give me any reason. after a month he back as before (is it normal in japan?). after that I never ask the reason, I afraid he will change again. now, i feel grateful he is back normally. i wanna confess him but i too afraid x_x

    • Sudden loss of contact seems to be extremely common as you might have noticed. Many other people here mentioned something similar.

      Especially in a long-distance relationship, I think it’s important that you let the other person know about your feelings.
      If he doesn’t feel the same way, at least you can move on. Nothing will change if you don’t do anything about it. ;)

  • That’s very interesting! thank you very much (^^)

    it seems that all those who are in this article (and even in comments) met their boyfriends/husbands in Japan. I’m just wondering if it is possible for a long distance relationship between a Japanese guy and a foreigner woman to succeed and may be end up in marriage (one day) or is it impossible? Do Japanese guys take online relationships seriously?

    • Actually a lot of people I know got to know their partner outside of Japan while they were studying abroad. ;)

      I have no idea, maybe someone else who has experienced it first-hand can tell you more about this. :/

  • That was a very interesting read!

    I started dating a Japanese guy 2 months ago. We were texting before through a language learning app and finally met when I was on vacation in Japan over New Years. The funny thing is I’d also say he isn’t the typical Japanese guy (doesn’t everyone say that), because he’s not shy and reserved at all (though he’s still well-mannered at least most of the time, haha). I’m the rather shy type, so we’re both kinda reverse from our stereotypes. He tried to kiss me in public on the first date, but I was too shy. He had no hesitation to kiss and touch in public on our other dates, which actually surprised me a lot. I probably sometimes felt more uncomfortable with it than he did. Also he was the one to confess first (even though it was through text). Now I’m back home and we’re doing the long-distance thing and we’re basically texting all the time. He always apologizes when he doesn’t answer right away, even if it’s just 20 minutes after my text.

    We always talk in Japanese btw, since my japanese is on a pretty high level. I think it’s a bit tiring at times, because he just talks so freaking much that I have a hard time following especially after a long day at work, so he promised me to learn some more German (he knows a little) in the future.

    He also already introduced me to his parents via video call. All I’m scared about is that he’s a bit too eager to get married quickly (we’ve been dating 2 months and most of those months were just being long-distance and he’s been talking about marriage already, I guess it’s also his age though, because he’s 30, while I’m 25), that his parents want us to move in with them (they actually said that without having met me in person, like what?) and about how much he expects housewife skills from me (he’s messy haha), but we’ll figure things out I guess. I want to move to Japan and get an apartment with him from September, we’ll see how things work.

    Sorry for the long story :) just wanted to share

    • Thanks for sharing your experience. :)
      When I read that he wants to get married ASAP, I figured he must be 30(+). ;)
      That’s just how it is in Japan, especially for women, though.

      Sounds quite good to me, but I totally understand you feel rushed. You’re still young anyways – you have all the time in the world.
      Well, he has all the time in the world as well, but as he’s Japanese he probably thinks it’s game over once he turns 31. ;P

      Keep us updated! ^__^

  • Hi,

    Need some advice here, I met a Japanese guy in my home country (Malaysia). We know each tru a website and we meet up a week later. We been seeing each other almost every week and treating each other as a friend tho sometime I’m not sure what is his feeling towards me
    We communicate with his minimal English and my rusted Japanese language.
    Google translate is the biggest blessing!

    Last week, we went for a concert and went out for drink after that. I ask if he like me, he said he like me but he respect me as his friend/english teacher???.
    Then I ask him what is our status now, is it friend/teacher or? He said starting today girlfriend, he give me a big hug and kiss after that. We spent the night together and before I left next morning, he give me another kiss on my lips.

    He still contact me but I don’t see him treat me differently as his gf. What should I do now, it’s been almost a week since the last time I saw him. Should I ask him our status again or is this is the way how a Japanese men handle relationship? Both of us are in mid 30’s.
    I am very sure both of us is not drunk when we talk about this issue.

    Thanks to advice

  • Nice article to read!
    i’ve been wanting to tell my Japanese friend that i like him for 13 years! we met back then in Canada during our language study!

    that moment he clearly said that he interested in me .. he did gave me a chocolate on my birthday back then. Then i moved back to my country (indonesia) … long lost contact for almost 4 years, i found him through Facebook we get in touch through facebook … then after 7,5years we met again! I came to Japan well the main purpose was for holiday, but i have this hope to met him again thou! and since then japan will always be my annual place to visit .. with hope i can meet him. I’d always inform him whenever i came to Japan. But, he didn’t always available to met me whenever i came to Japan thou …

    last time he came to Indonesia for worked he contacted me, and introduce me to his colleagues and his clients (well he said it i’m as his friend) … then he make a time on his busy schedule (on my annual visit to Japan) to meet me before he headed to Hokkaido for worked.

    We didn’t text nor call each other when we’re apart. But, sometime i tried to make a contact with him through some simple message such asking about things on what’s going on in Tokyo, or just sharing information about movies? or as simple as give a like on his facebook post – just to register i did pay attention on his social media activities.

    on my last visit (last month) he did make a time to meet me and spend the entire afternoon with me

    but, after all these things i still have no clue how does he feel about me? is he treating me just for the sake being nice with a friend? or he just reat me as his old buddy back then when we’re in the school? i cant see any different!

    yes, he’s not immediately response to my message whenever i texted him it will took him like days to response it!

    shall i continue doing this? or what?

    but the stories above was an eye opener for me with this japanese guy!

  • I’d love to hear from more people in their late 20s and older. I can’t seriously take marital or relationship advice from most people so young – sorry to generalize, but I don’t think men or women are emotionally stable until past the mid-20’s; and honestly I can say from experience it takes about 5 years to know if you’re compatible with someone.

    • Well, I surely hope that someone in their 30s or 40s would be so kind to reply to you then. :)
      I’m in the right age group, but I have no experience with Asian men, so I’m not the right one to ask. ;)

  • Hi there! I loved reading this article, but I’m confused on the “taking it slow” part. What is considered ‘slow’? I have a Japanese man that I would like to be with, but although I’ve messaged him for a year before finally meeting in Japan, I am back in my home country and not sure if it’s ‘proper’ to confess over a Skype call…I have intentions of moving there within the next 3 years with visiting in between, but I guess my question is:
    If I were to confess to him the way things are now, would that be too ‘soon’ since we only met when I was in Japan for 2 weeks, even though I’ve been talking to him for a year?
    Thanks!

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