I’ve previously written about dating in Japan and interviewed a few of my female fellow bloggers about dating Japanese men.
After publishing it, a lot of men asked questions about dating Japanese women.
They were mainly concerned about how to approach a Japanese woman and cross-cultural differences that could be an issue.
So, I decided to “interrogate” some male bloggers about their experience.
I want to thank all the great people who agreed to collaborate and share their story with all of us!
Name: Benjamin Martin
Nationality: American (USA)
Age: 29
Let’s start with Ben. You might already know him as I interviewed Ben a while ago.
He has spent the last 5 years living on small islands in Okinawa. In August 2013 Ben participated in the popular Japanese TV show Motemote 99 where he met a wonderful Japanese women. In fact, he proposed to her just a while ago. Ben says:
“It’s been a whirlwind (meeting parents and dating from afar), but so far we are happy and plan to marry this year. We’ve managed to keep things alive through LINE (*a Japanese app similar to WhatsApp) and trips every month or so. I spent five days with her family prior to popping the question and that gave me a great chance to see if I fit in with them. Luckily, we all got along. Of course proposals are pretty different in Japan and the US, but I managed a hybrid approach which is pretty much how I see our life together going forward.”
For anyone who’s hoping to find a girlfriend in Japan, he suggests:
“Back in the States there are a million ways to meet people and start up a conversation. In Japan, women and men tend to socialize separately, so unless you find someone at work (which has its own issues), you’re limited in the ways you might meet a potential date. One good option is joining a community club or activity, though then there’s no telling if they’ll fit your age range.
For my part, living on a small island just made things more difficult. It takes a certain amount of commitment to start dating when everyone will know about it in a few days. I found it hard to make anything more than superficial connections or move past friendship. I joined in the TV show at the last minute not expecting much. After seeing my profile, several women came to meet me. It definitely made things easier knowing they were interested in me, yet there were distractions as well. Still, by the end of the event I found someone I could communicate easily with despite my non-fluent Japanese and her lack of English.”
Ben says that a cross-cultural relationship can be difficult:
“There are always differences in expectation and cultural differences can lead to awkwardness, yet I’ve found that clear communication can help to navigate the most difficult situations. I’m still new to my relationship and we’ve had no major problems despite our difference in language. I think it helps that we both understand each others’ priorities and our goals and plans all fit together.”
Ben admits that he’s not sure whether it’s more difficult for a female foreigner to find a partner in Japan:
“I don’t know how hard it is for Western women to meet Japanese guys. I think the difficulty would be in expected roles. The stereotype is that Westerners are strong and Japanese men don’t want that. It could be true some of the time, but I think people can find the type of personality they’re compatible with in any culture. I never found it easy to ‘get’ a Japanese woman, then again, my fiancé and I met on a Japanese TV show for the express purpose of finding someone to marry. The modern version of the omiai (arranged marriage) seems to be working quite well for us. Living in different prefectures we never would have met without the show.”
Name: Baye (Loco)
Nationality: American (USA)
Age: 40s
You might already know Baye (a.k.a. Loco) from an interview I did a while ago or from his books “Hi! My Name Is Loco And I Am A Racist” and “Loco in Yokohama“.
In his opinion it isn’t difficult to approach Japanese women:
“One big difference I’ve found is that there are fewer places here in Japan where it’s seemly to approach women. Whereas in NY– my former stomping ground — pretty much anywhere, including on the street, was within acceptable parameters as a suitable place to meet girls, here, due to certain customs and/or expectations, the number of places is significantly lower.”
Baye also has some great suggestions how you could meet a Japanese woman in Japan:
“Japanese Girls who are looking to get involved with a Non-Japanese (NJ) man (which is relatively few, but appears very high when applied to the number of NJ men living here) will make themselves available at places where they expect to find foreign men. Typically gaijin bars in areas like Roppongi, Shibuya, Shinjuku, Ebisu, and those sorts of places. And if you approach them in such an environment, where they’re pretty much expecting it and frankly came there for that purpose, then you’re unlikely to scare or embarrass the hell out of them. Also, if you check certain English language magazines like Metropolis, or certain websites, you’ll find personal ads from Japanese women who are in the market for NJ guys. Although I’ve found a strong preference for white guys in these ads. They’ll actually say ‘white men only’ or ‘no black men please,’ from time to time which is enough to turn your stomach. But I guess you can say at least they’re upfront about their preferences.”
About possible issues in a relationship due to cultural differences, he says:
“It might seem so in the beginning, but eventually you come to realize that most of those troubles you were blaming on cultural differences were really just a result of your having not done due diligence (and who hasn’t been victimized by their libido’s tendency to takeover when a pretty face and lovely assets are involved, or rushed into something questionable to escape loneliness?) So, often these troubles occur when someone didn’t get to know the person before leaping into the relationship.”
Like most others, Baye agrees that it’s more difficult for foreign women to date Japanese guys here in Japan:
“I think NJ women have to deal with stereotypes just like the NJ men here. And often, at least according to my Japanese male friends, those stereotypes involve aggressive attitudes, impatience, sexual promiscuity, and resistance to compliance. But, that’s not to say you can’t get past those. And while some of those same stereotypes apply to NJ men, the Japanese women who are attracted to NJ men are generally (in my experience) attracted to and are frankly expecting those qualities from NJ men (and may or may not be receptive if they’re not present).
Chauvinism and misogyny are male attributes that are present all over the world, and Japan is no exception. The society dictates what is acceptable, tolerable, attractive and even what will bring a man the prestige among his peers he might desire, and in most cases the women they choose either fulfill these needs or are expected to conform to them somehow. I suspect, though I might be wrong about this, that it is pretty difficult for a NJ woman to conform to Japanese men’s / Japanese society’s expectations, and it is the rare case that a man will disregard these demands. The decision to step outside of the expectations of one’s society has ramifications that are far-reaching, and can potentially impact every facet of their lives, be it family, career, even friendships. In my experience, most Japanese men would label the challenges caused by having a NJ wife ‘mendokusai’ (*a pain in the rear).”
Name: Coolio
Nationality: German
Age: 47
Coolio is a German blogger who has been living in Tokyo for many years now.
When I asked him if he sees any difference in approaching Japanese women or Western women, he answered:
“In the end, Japanese women are just women as well. The difference is that you MUST approach them. Usually there’s no initiative to approach men, like for example in Germany. And if a Japanese woman approaches you as a gaijin, just run as fast as you can!”
I also wanted to know if Coolio sees any cultural differences that could cause trouble in a relationship. He says:
“Yes. Sure as hell. Starting with a completely different meaning of ‘love’ in Japan, followed by the concept of ‘honne’ (本音: real feelings) and “tatemae” (建前: what she’ll tell you) to name just a few. Wanna try? Be prepared for a lot of disappointment.”
Coolio is of the opinion that it’s indisputably true that foreign men have it easier than foreign women when it comes to dating in Japan:
“A lot of Japanese dudes are thinking that gaijin women are just too strong for them and that these women wouldn’t fit into the typical role of a woman in a typical Japanese marriage. Well, I’ll tell you foreign ladies a secret: A lot of disappointed male gaijin are just waiting for a chance with you!”
Name: Donald Ash
Nationality: American (USA)
Age: 33
Donald is a blogger and English teacher. He says about himself that he’s a rather introverted person who wouldn’t just walk up to a Japanese woman, throwing the following at her: “Konnichiwa, nice stockings, wanna go out?”
However, he also states that it’s far less intimidating to approach a Japanese woman than a non-Asian woman:
“There’s no real penalty for screwing up. I’ve never had a Japanese woman snap at me for trying to approach her, but I have in America! When approaching women, guys often are afraid of being embarrassed or publicly rejected. In Japan, that fear is greatly reduced. If the woman isn’t interested, or doesn’t understand you (for those who don’t know any Japanese yet), she’ll just ignore you or walk away. You can simply blame it on the language disconnect and move on.”
Apparently he has had some positive experiences with approaching Japanese women:
“Sometimes you don’t have to approach at all. I didn’t have to go out and do naked handstands to get my very first dates in Japan. My first dates were with people who already knew me, with someone that a friend introduced me to, or with someone who had an extreme interest in hip-hop culture and gave me their number because (surprise, surprise) I’m black.”
He adds a few more encouraging words:
“You honestly have a chance!
Has anybody else seen the super gorgeous Japanese woman with the super-nerdy boyfriend or husband? I have, and I love it!
Nerds, rejoice with me! There’s hope for us!”
Although Donald sounds really optimistic now, his first year in Japan was rough:
“I had the hardest time getting women to even consider dating me. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why women would shy away from me. Some even seemed to be outright scared of me. It wasn’t like I was rushing up to them and screaming. I would just try to be my normal self and women didn’t seem to take notice. I would lower my standards and still get rejected.
I thought maybe it was a Japanese issue, but that wasn’t it either. I started to improve my Japanese so I could communicate better, and it still wasn’t working. I had friends who spoke even less Japanese than I did, and they always had a hot Japanese date on their arm.
There were times when I felt like an African-American version of Quasimodo.”
However, he says that being date-starved and desperate during that first year has taught him a lot:
“I realize now that the approach isn’t all that different. If you can spark an interest or really engage a woman, you have a chance for a date whether she is Japanese, American, British or Martian. I think the difference is that you don’t necessarily have to work as hard in Japan to create that spark.
For example, if you’re a foreigner who plays in a band here in Japan, it’s like an instant hook!
Also, does anybody ever notice that when you don’t try, that’s when the dates come? That seems like a universal principle to me. It’s the same here in Japan.”
Just like many other people I interviewed, Donald agrees that there are cultural differences that cause issues in a relationship:
“One problem is the language barrier. Relationships are based on good communication. When you can’t fully express your thoughts to your partner, it can become an issue. When you disagree, and you eventually will, being able to speak your mind in Japanese is truly important.
During that initial, sparkly, new relationship phase not knowing Japanese can be an interesting way to learn together and grow your relationship in the process. But once you understand, there’s no going back. When you can fully comprehend the Japanese, you now have full access to every complaint, to every emotional twist and turn.”
Another cultural difference he observes is “the altar rush” among women in Japan:
“I know I’ve been in Japan for a while but I always thought marriage was something that happened gradually (or if two people make an accidental baby). Some of these so-called ‘shy’ Japanese women will let you know straight up: I want to get married and I want to have kids.”
Donald agrees that it’s more difficult for foreign women to find a partner here in Japan:
“I think a big part of that stems from the fact that the man is ‘expected to’ approach the woman. There are some pretty brazen Japanese guys out there. But when given the choice between playing it safe and dating a Japanese woman or leaping out of their comfort zone to date a foreign woman, which will the average Japanese man choose?”
Last, but not least, he wants to give a word of advice for anyone who’s thinking about coming to Japan:
“I know some people have the misconception that just because you’re a foreigner that as soon as you step off the plane you’ll be swarmed by beautiful Japanese women. While this is true for some people, it hasn’t been my experience at all. If you’re anything like me, you’ll either have to work at dating in Japan or just be a little smarter about it. You don’t have to be an over-the-top extrovert to find dates, but you may need a couple of drops of proactivity.”
Oh, and to all the women … pretty(!) women out there:
“As for me, I’ll stick to being creative! To any gorgeous women who are interested, my number is 080… What? I can’t give out my number here? …”
No, because I need to knock out the competition right from the start! Ok, paper and pen are prepared, go ahead! .gif){kind=small}
Name: Matthias
Nationality: German
Age: late 30s
Matthias is a fellow German who is married to a Japanese woman and has his own little German-Japanese family now. When I asked him if it’s difficult to approach Japanese women, he answered:
“I’m not sure about that. I never approached a Japanese woman myself since I met my wife in Germany. I’d imagine though, that there are certain things that impress Japanese women but not non-Asian women and vice versa.
In the end, it’s all about the place. If you try to date someone you met coincidentally somewhere, it’s certainly different from dating someone in, let’s say a club in Roppongi, where some Japanese women already go with the intention to date a foreigner.”
About possible problems in cross-cultural relationships he says:
“I think, the language plays a big role. I know some couples who get along very well without actually understanding each other’s language.
Putting aside simple things such as her being shocked when he sticks his chopsticks into a bowl of rice, I think the main issues lie in the different sense of humor, but also in different expectations. A nice example for this is childcare – Japanese and Western fostering are quite different, and this confuses a lot of Western men. In some cases, the difference is too big. I know couples who divorced shortly after giving birth.”
I wanted to know whether it’s easier for foreign men to “get” a Japanese woman or for foreign women to get a Japanese guy. Matthias’ conclusion is:
“I’m sure it’s easy for foreign women to ‘catch’ a Japanese guy. It’s all about where to look. But the ‘pond’ is certainly smaller and lots of Japanese men being interested in foreign women are only searching for a trophy, so to say.
On the other hand, it’s certainly easy for a guy to get a Japanese woman, but it’s rather difficult to find a Japanese woman who dates you because you are who you are character-wise and not because you happen to come from the other side of the world … or because you seem to have money.”
Dating Japanese Women – Conclusion:
Thanks to all these wonderful men who agreed to share their story with us, I think we all got a pretty good picture of what it is really like to date Japanese women in Japan.
It’s surely not the easiest thing on earth, but doable. And it seems to be much easier for foreign guys to find a Japanese partner than it is for foreign women, mainly due to expectations and stereotypes that strongly exist within the Japanese society.
It’s interesting to see that foreign men and women seem to experience similar issues in their cross-cultural relationships. Many mentioned the language barrier as one of the biggest problems. I remember that the Western women I interviewed often struggled with the expectations of their Japanese husband (and his family) in terms of “role allocation” and household. None of the male foreigners here mentioned anything like that.
I wonder if it’s eventually more difficult for a foreign women to adapt to a cross-cultural relationship with a Japanese guy, when living in Japan.
Over To You!
I’d love to read about your experience or expectations.
Feel free to share your story with us in the comments below.
You can also ask the people I interviewed or me. We’ll gladly answer your questions! .gif){kind=small}
*more than happy to share my experience with you on your blog
It is not easy to date a Japanese women in my opinion. I find it very hard eventhough I was born in Japan. Bit, now I am married to a Japanese women who has perfect understanding. She eventually found out that I was part Japanese and I speak her language. She never wanted to date any foreigner who is short in stature and bald. I was very curious about her, but she accepted me. We dated each other for about 4 months and we were happily married.
I guess being part Japanese, I had a deep respect for her. I never put her down and I was good listener and never tell a lie. She had told me that some white male always show off and use Japanese women as sex partner. To accept Japanese women you must be patient and never boast. Be honest and stay beside her when she needs you. Just as long.
as you don’t be too smart than her. Always, be a good listener and be willing open your heart.
As relationship with he gets stronger, she will be willing to open up, because she might be shy.
Don’t stare at her when she makes a mistake, smile accept her the way she is. It is very sensitive relationship so don’t rush to things and do. It will take quite sometime for her to understanding you, He parents will ask you some questions why you want to date their daughter so and to answer them fully and don’t lie in any circumstances
Think carefully when you meet for the very first time. She might reject you. And never talk about your past relationship, unless she ask you.. Try to respect their culture and be willing to speak Japanese and try not to use English with the Japanese language because it might not be very hard to speak. Since, when I was six years old, I played with the Japanese boys and girls, I picked up the language with o problems.
to understand
Frederico,
Congratulations for getting married. Thanks for sharing your story with us!
May I say something? What you wrote about how to treat a Japanese woman, that’s actually how you should treat ANY woman in my eyes! ;)
Nobody likes liars or guys who are not there when you need them the most. *g*
Thanks for the great advice. I hope others will understand it and take it for what it is. :)
You know guys, he he he, In all my 60 plus years on this planet. Ive never heard such …….tacos with out the hot stuff like this.I cleaned this line up in respect for Jasmine.. are you guys real!!!!. In all my years in the Marines.. 24……..My self and my friends never had a problem, some of my guys in my platoon married Japanese ladies. I’m god father to a few of their kids…Whats with this all this hmmm cheeseburgers with out the cheese.(.keepin it clean for Jasmine) Whats so hard about being honest about yourself and being yourself and being REAL……Geeze…..grow up .. be you and if she likes you ,, you will know……..geeze………..My friend Kimiko died after over 40 years of friendship , met her after the war ,we stayed in contact , she passed during the tsunami.. Guys .Im going to pass on her wisdom , she passed on to me, she was also a geisha in the gion district..listen….Listen to the wind it talks , listen to the peace it speaks, but listen to your heart it listens……..best of luck to you
forgot to mention ……….I’m also a latino/chicano………..
Interesting post as always Jasmine! I’m a Japanese guy, so my experiences tend to be a bit different from those of (visibly) western guys. But I think it’s true that approaching girls in public is not always easy (albeit still possible) in Japan.
The thing is, the Japanese seem to prefer less spontaneous settings to meet people. That’s why there are many well-organised events to find dates and partners for marriage, and they seem to be quite popular these days.
I guess the “spontaneous” thingie is extremely difficult in large cities such as Tokyo. There are just too many people and yet you feel lonlier than anywhere else. At least, I have that feeling whenever I’m in Tokyo. :D
I think well-organized dating events can be something good, but it’s certainly not for everyone. But for those who are serious about finding a partner, they should probably try it once. :)
Dating and getting laid is seriously one of the easiest thing to do in Japan. The reason for this is because of how highly develop the country has become. How in some ways they are so disciplined that other areas are highly neglected.
Because of how high manners and respect is held in japan that it makes dating for a native a bit harder then a foreigner because as a foreigner you get a pass as to not being accustomed to their customs. So natives can relax and do things they normally wouldn’t with a foreigner.
Getting laid is basically this easy. You just go up to them, talk, exchange numbers, meet up, make your move. Wives, young girls, will all fall for it.
One of the reason why its so easy is because people don’t have much sex in Japan. So anytime theres a chance of sex, they will take it, no matter how ugly or good looking you are, white,black yellow. Wives are neglected because of the husband over working and not showing enough affection and sex. Young girls are even easier because one, they are young, 2. Japanese people are highly highly sheltered people. People will into their 30s can have world knowledge of a 12 year old. Its very bad for the guys because of how sheltered they are and you take the nation with the best porn you are going to have a endless cycle. So you take being young, naive, and sex drive of a young person you are going to have one easy girl/guy.
People keep to themselves because of manners, social awkwardness. How is anybody suppose to meet anybody when their society is like this? So when a cool cat foreigner walks up to a girl and break through all those barriers he will get laid so easily.
Now I say all that like its a bad thing. Its not. I myself am very sheltered. I like being naive and sheltered. I like having manners and doing things the asian way. When people are innocent its sometimes best to leave them that way. IMO. Yes they are prone to being taken advantage of but thats just how the world works and what YOU do is a contribution to the future.
Hi Jasmine,
It’s funny that once I read that you have left Japan I started to peruse through all the posts that I have missed. And somehow I found this post!
Even more funny, I am now dating a Japanese girl through sheer luck in such an unexpected way — I met her in the country I’m living on, not in Japan itself. And now, reading about people who have relationship with Japanese girls, I can somehow relate to that. But in the end, I guess as many have pointed out, dating game is basically the same anywhere else, doesn’t matter which country are you from. :)
Hey there! ^___^
Haha, I guess that’s true. But it’s probably a good thing as we’re all the same human beings, right? ^_^
Yes I agree! It might be easier said than done though, but strip down all the attributes of our nationality and stereotype, then the value of humanity is just universal. You just like people for who they are.
Hi you mentioned awhile back about the few extreme Japanese women who lies and basically used a foreigner to get pregnant only to leave him soon after. I was wondering if you could give me the details about that because I have a friend that went through the same thing and from what he told me that there was no way that he got tricked and I believe him. He even met her parents and the parents treated him like a son and basically the perfect life and soon after she got pregnant and gave birth she shunned him completely, the parents as well. So I was thinking do some really go to that extreme to trick the guy. Like something doesn’t seem right.
Hi K,
Woah, that sounds horrible.
Sorry, I cannot give you any details. I haven’t experienced this myself, I’ve just heard co-workers and other people in Japan talk about that.
I don’t know anybody personally who had to deal with that type of Japanese woman.
I am 61, american, good shape, not rich, but not poor. Moving to Saipan probable summer of 2016 to retire.
I am fond of Japanese culture and women. I am hoping to find a younger Japanese companion when I get there. I m talking about mid 40’s into their mid 50’s. I am anything but monogamist, but I am also not submissive to women… I mean I am reasonable, but as a rule, I don’t fold under the old “hell hath no fury” thing. What are my chances of dating / becoming SO with a Japanese woman significant;y my junior in Saipan? Any advice appreciated:)
Some people here say it hard to meet a japanese women others say it’s hard.i never had a problem meeting a japanese i don’t know why I met and have been married to a women from Okinawa over 43 years the hardest thing I found was when I asked my wife to marry me she had to talk to her family the biggest thing was if she loved me and if I loved her in the end it worked out still together.i white and I know at the time other races were out of the question and even to day today it still is.i have a very good friend that is Mexican he told me it was real hard for him as her family was against it at first well today they are still together.
In my experience it was easy for me to meet my Japanese wife she worked in the same office as me she spoke better English than I did Japanese but all worked out as we have been married 44 years and still going strong best thing that ever happened to me.
The only thing that`s going to help you get a Japanese girlfriend, is to be a multi-millionaire, and to “look like one”. What I have, next to say, is going to seem cynical at best, and perhaps even racist, at worst, but from my nine years of experience in Japan I must tell you that the Japanese are seemingly a very superficial, ultra materialistic people, who seem to “directly” equate values such as decency, kindness, intelligence, and physical attraction, with money. Please do not take my word for it. The internet is, these days, filled with “horror stories” of Western men – and women, btw – who`ve gotten themselves into a marriage with a Japanese person, and are now as a result “miserable” in the extreme for a number of reasons. http://www.transformtofreedom.com/blogsex-in-japan/ Some, above, mention language barrier, as an issue, others seem to make hints that it`s easier for “certain” Westerners than others. My 2 cents? It`s irrelevant. After speaking with so many foreigners in the same situation, and having done much research, it seems to be to the case that once the “contract” has been signed, she becomes “the mother figure” of the family. And by this, I mean “the whole family”. Her role is now that of “wearer of the boots, and controller of all fiscal issues”, and this role seems to get played to the extreme. A Japanese marriage seems to be “nothing to do with” physical attraction, soul-mate, chemistry, LOVE, happiness, but seems rather a mere business partnership, in which the guy is to work himself to death providing “security – via the paper-materialistic-delusion” for the kids, and for her. The welfare and happiness of the “marriage” per se, seems to be of such little consequence as not to be a realistic consideration, at all.
As a white American I never had a problem meeting an women in Japan