Ever wondered what dating is like in Japan?
Well, then this post is exactly what you’ve been looking for!
However, if you want to read about bragging stories of all those Western guys who get laid a hundred times per day, then you came to the wrong place.
There are tons of blog posts like that out there. You certainly won’t find that here – and not from a foreign girl like me! .gif){kind=small}
Before we start talking about “Dating in Japan” one thing should be crystal clear:
Dating Experience is Different for Foreign Women and Men
If you’ve ever been to Japan you might have noticed that there’s a tremendous number of (often not so handsome) foreign guys walking hand-in-hand with Japanese women. And at the same time, there’s only a very tiny number of foreign (read: non-Asian) women with Japanese men next to them.
You might ask yourself why is that?
Maybe that’s a secret we’ll never quite get, but there are many theories!
A lot of Japanese women want a guy that tells them several times a day how much he loves them. For some reason (maybe through the consumption of too many Hollywood movies) Japanese women think that foreign men are like that! They’re not afraid of showing their feelings in public or telling their girls flat out how they feel about them.
Of course, having a foreign boyfriend is also “cool” and “exotic“. Some just use those poor guys as cute little “accessories“.
The extreme version of this is known as “gaijin hunter” and some will do everything for the sake of having one of those adorable “half”-kids (half Western, half Japanese) just to toss their foreign guy later on.
For foreign women, it’s a completely different story.
Japanese men seem to expect certain things from a woman. Things that they fear a foreign woman would not agree to do (e.g. stay-home moms, always pour new alcohol into his empty glass etc.).
Maybe they also think that a foreign woman might expect from their man that he’s telling his feelings straight out several times a day, something a shy Japanese man just won’t do.
Another problem is that many of the Japanese men seem to be afraid of their English ability and thus fail to approach a foreign woman.
Most foreign men on the other hand, have no issues approaching a Japanese woman in English – or even in broken Japanese.
These are just a few theories by friends, co-workers and myself. I’m sure you have your own and there’s much more behind all this.
Dating in Japan as a Foreign Man:
As a result, dating in Japan is usually quite easy for men.
At least getting one woman after another into your bed, is really easy, even if you’re quite ugly!
For some reason, Japanese women seem to find even ugly foreign guys attractive …..
It might be a bit more difficult if you’re looking for a serious relationship as there are those women I mentioned earlier who either want you as “exotic accessory” or just want your DNA to create a cute “half-child”.
All in all, it is comparably easy for a Western foreign man to find a Japanese woman or to have a nice relationship here in Japan.
For some guys, it really gets to their heads and they start bragging about it like crazy. They suffer from the so-called superstar syndrome.
Dating in Japan as a Foreign Woman:
For (Western) foreign women in Japan it’s a completely different story.
Japanese guys are often too shy or even scared and the majority of Western men is only interested in Japanese / Asian women.
As a result it is extremely tough to find a date as a foreign woman here in Japan.
It is by far not impossible and I know quite a few girls who don’t only have a Japanese boyfriend, but are also married to a Japanese guy, but it is still the BIG exception!
Some of us will go through a hard time here in Japan.
You’ll start to feel completely unattractive and ignored at times.
Of course, you get a lot of attention and there’s all this staring, but it’s not because anybody is flirting with you … or at least you don’t know the difference anymore.
It might be a different story in bigger cities such as Tokyo and Osaka with a more international community, but in smaller cities and in the countryside with more traditional ideals it can be very difficult for foreign women.
Differences in Relationships:
I personally know a few couples where either the man or the woman is foreign and I noticed quite a lot of differences in the kind of relationship they have.
Please note that the following is based on my personal experience and that not everybody out there is like that.
Foreign Man + Japanese Woman:
In relationships where the man is foreign, I noticed that they mostly speak his native language. Although they live in Japan and sometimes even have children together who also speak Japanese, the foreign guys don’t / can’t speak Japanese.
I also experienced that they’re unable to do anything on their own. Just one example is a co-worker of mine. When I asked him how he obtained his cellphone or credit card, he said his wife did everything for him. .gif){kind=small}
Consequently, a lot of foreign men in Japan don’t see the need to study Japanese, because their wives will take care of all the important things.
One big problem seems to be the fact that in Japan the man earns the money, but the woman takes care of it! The man only gets a small allowance. He actually needs to ask his wife for permission if he wants to spend any of his own hard-earned money! Foreign guys often seem to struggle with this system.
Because of all that I’ve seen couples who got divorced, even when there were kids involved. I noticed that those kinds of relationships seem to work out better if they live in his home country and not in Japan.
Foreign Woman + Japanese Man:
For the opposite constellation, you’ll see that in most(!) cases the woman speaks Japanese. She has studied Japanese properly or puts in a lot of effort to improve her Japanese ability even if the Japanese man can speak her native tongue.
They know how to survive in Japan even without the help of their Japanese partner who is at work most of the time anyway.
The man seems to accept that she wants to keep working even after marriage. Most of the time those kinds of Japanese men who get into a relationship with a foreign woman are more open-minded and have some experience with foreign culture because they’ve lived or studied abroad for a while. And even those who haven’t, seem to accept that there are cultural differences. So, they don’t expect the same they would from a Japanese woman.
All the couples I know of have a relatively harmonic relationship. Of course, there are enough reasons for disputes, but all in all, they seem to manage better than couples where the man is foreign.
Conclusion: Dating in Japan
There’s so much more that could be said about this topic. I’d love to discuss it with you, so get involved in the comment section below.
I’m sure everyone has their own opinion and experience with this.
All I want you to keep in mind is that as a guy you should not let it get to your head because suddenly you get all this attention from beautiful women.
And as a foreign girl you should keep in mind that your time in Japan – at least in terms of romantic relationships – could be quite lonely at times.
Read on:
- All You Ever Wanted To Know About Dating Japanese Men
- Dating a Japanese Woman: What’s It Really Like?
- Is Dating Japanese Women Really That Easy?
If you still want to read more, here are some great books on “Dating in Japan”:
- Understanding Japanese Women by Jonathan C. Richards
- How to Meet Japanese Women by Evan Carter
- True Stories of Mixed Dating in Japan by Yuta Aoki (who’s also written a dating article on my blog)
I thought about learning Japanese. I like the culture, the women are beautiful, and I am willing to learn the language. I never dated a Japanese woman, and I always told myself I would like to try it. I like the blog, and it was an interesting read about relationships in Japan. I can see there are a lot of things I would have to get used to if I ever dated, or even married a Japanese woman, but I wouldn’t mind. I think your going to have things you would have to work on as a couple and person if you dated someone of a different nationality regardless because things are going to be different and you would have to get used to it. I think it’s great though finding love is a positive thing no matter what nationality the person may be.
I love your last sentence and I totally agree.
I hope you’ll find what you’re looking for.
First, I’d suggest that you visit Japan for a short time to see how you like it here and whether you can imagine living here for a longer time, getting married etc. ;)
I dated a female from Germany…She was beautiful but very passive and lacked passion…I guess Japanese women do not have the market cornered on being passive and lacking passion.
And after dating only one German person, I would be careful and not generalize too much.
About the “not showing affection in public” part, I can tell you it’s mostly true. You’ll see younger couples …. like school kids who are kissing or holding hands in public sometimes, but that’s about it. Even in Japanese movies and dramas the kisses are a joke, not passionate at all. The question is, is it the same behind closed doors?!
I don’t know, if you got me right…
I didn’t mean to insult anyone. On the contrary! I just passed on, what my boyfriend (who, as a Japanese man only had Japanese girlfriends) told me. I think neither Japanese men nor women are emotionally “cold”. I cannot agree when one says: Japanese men in general are “cold” as well as probably you cannot agree on that being said about Japanese women .
And I don’t know what you mean by saying “market cornered”. For me, every race is beautiful and attractive in their own way. Searching for a partner of a certain ethnicity is a bit strange in my opinion.
雨降って地固まる (ame futte chi katamaru)
I hear this a lot in Korea too. In fact, these kinds of observations can be done, word per word, by replacing “Japanese” with “Korean.”
Anyways, with that said, I tend to disagree. I have known plenty of American/Foreign women who have dated Asian men and I think cultural adaptation is the difference. The foreign personality of what you might consider a “not so handsome male” might be to overcompensate with compliments. While they might be branded as having “no game” back home, this tends to be appreciated by Koreans/Japanese girls. In that sense, many foreign men don’t have to adapt and sad as it is for me to say, most people don’t like adapting to a different culture, despite living there multiple years. Instead, they will complain about what they don’t like about that country. I am sure you have heard “they can’t seem to do a decent burger” instead of “I don’t really like Japanese style burgers.” We tend to brand our style as the better one and judge on that instead of seeing what they do as independent.
Anyways, now women.
Now, in my opinion, foreign women need to adapt to survive the dating game in Japan/Korea. Unfortunately, you wont get guys to sweep you off your feet and be smooth with their words. On top of their English being clumsy, it is simply not Korean/Japanese style. I think a woman has to be a tad more aggressive in the sense of letting a guy know they are interested, and maybe even being the one who asks the guy out. I ASSURE YOU many Asian men will go for it. Just like men though, women resist changing their own style. By sheer luck, resistance to change works out well for guys, but not so well for women in Asia.
The girls that I know that have been successful at dating casually Asian men time and time again are those more apt to adapt. In some cases, it could be that they know some of the language like you mentioned, but not always. Having talked to some guys, I can say that our Asian counterparts are definitely interested, but it is just not in all of them to approach you as a foreigner would back home.
Is it fair? No, probably not. But it doesn’t help the situation to whine about it, especially if it is a fixable circumstance. Look, everyone is born with benefits and drawbacks in life, from increased mental ability, born into wealth, etc and it is up to us to use the tools we have to make life better for ourselves, not moap over our shortcomings. I could sit here and say that it is not fair for someone to be rich while I have to work 10 hours a day for a living, but that doesn’t really change my situation now, and ultimately, doesnt make me happier either. What does make me happy is overcoming obstacles, one of the biggest in life being finding a significant other.
Being Mexican-American, I read a lot of stuff online about how it is only easy to date in Korea is you are white American. Countless threads ask if asian women even like latin men, but believing one is at a disadvantage means you have lost half the battle.
I hope I didn’t offend, this is just my take on the whole “foreign men have it easy” debate. In the words of a very dear friend of mine when she is asked if it she thinks it is harder or easier for a foreign woman to get a date compared to a foreign man in Asia.
“Of course it is easier for me to get a date. Why? Because… regardless of where I am in the world, I am still a woman.”
Hi, Julio!
I totally agree with what you said in the first paragraph.
However, saying that it’s hard for me as a foreign woman to find a guy who’s interested in me, is something completely else.
I’m not complaining, I’m just saying that that’s how it is. ;)
I can only speak for myself, but I think it’s not that we refuse to change “our style”, but we’re just too shy to approach somebody.
And I can speak Japanese fluently, so at least in my case there certainly are no language barriers.
But I want to thank you for your comment as there is a lot of truth in it – and I hope it’ll encourage foreign women who’re living in Japan like me. :)
I get that you are shy, but growing up as a shy man in America (at least in my earlier years), I can’t help but think, “well, that is how most American guys feel back home.” Dating is a very sink or swim thing in both countries and it is just that the rules are different. I am sure there are plenty of guys who would kill to go out with you (hopefully not literally!)
ON a size note, I didn’t realize you, the author of zoomingjapan, were a woman. Granted, I haven’t followed the blog for that long, but this totally through me for a loop!
:)
Haha, Julio, I have no idea why, but people often think I’m a guy – and I have NO idea why! :D
Thanks so much for the encouraging words. I know I need to become more confident, accept that things work a bit different here and just approach people / guys.
My female co-workers and also friends keep telling me that I’m popular among guys in Japan for sure, but I need to stop being so shy! *g*
Although that’s always easier said than done.
I am going to Japan in May with a few friends. We are from America. It looks like it would be easy to date and sleep with Japanese Ladies from what I can read. Where is the best place to meet Ladies (bars, clubs, restos, street, coffee shop, etc)? Does Japanese Ladies go out with their females friends like they do here in America?
I wonder if I’m the only one who feels kind of offended by your question.
I don’t know if you really meant it the way it sounds, but I doubt you’ll get any replies.
So, you’re just coming to Japan to sleep with Japanese women?
Clubs are the easiest, you just need to stand out from others foreign guys and speak some Japanese. By the way, it sounds like you never been to Japan and will probably get fooled by some other ethnicity who has basic Japanese skills.
I tend to get into a relationship while I’m in Japan. Avoid having friends with you while you try to talk to chicks, you’re always going to have one friend who messes this up for you. TRUST ME!
Get the LINE app and tango master. Learn the basic Kanji, they tend to be plug and play in sentences. Learn from my mistake, watch where you learn your Japanese from when using videos. I prefer watching women teaching Japanese over men. See the problem, when I spoke casually? I wasn’t corrected on this until after I got my first gf in Japan.
Overall just go to Japan to have fun, make friends. Keep in contact with them, get a gf next trip, live a happy life, come back to America and get hated on, because you know have connections. When I was 18 getting laid was all I cared about, guess what I ended up with, a conservative chick, lucky me. Now, two years later I’m still friends, but now I know what certain Japanese girls look for in foreign guys. Bi/Multilingual is at the top, so get out those 日本 books.
I fly back out to Tokyo in May, the day after I finish my finals for my college classes in America. I’m dropping my stuff off at the apartment, then heading out to Shibuya to meet up with two of my old friends, then heading out to Akihabara. I’m staying in Meijidori Shinjuku. When are you flying out?
As a black male, I have to say that I’m getting a lot of mixed reports from all over the place.
To be frank, I’ve always been fiercely attracted to Japanese women. Not sure why, I just am. Lately, I’ve been afraid of really stating as much for fear of being accused of having “yellow fever”. My family, for example, loves to pick on me for my preferences (good heartedly, thank goodness, but it still kinda hurts).
I want to visit Japan very much (it’s a goal of mine to enter the video game industry somehow) but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to find someone while I’m there, if I’m even able to travel. My confidence with the opposite sex is bad enough here as it is, so I’m starting to have doubts that I’ll fare any better there, especially if black guys aren’t treated all that well. I have no idea if they are, but I’m not very optimistic.
I apologize if I seem pessimistic.
Hi Ryan.
I understand why you sound pessimistic, but honestly I think you worry too much.
I’m currently interviewing foreign guys who live in Japan about their experience with Japanese women. Among them is also black man.
The interviews will go online soon. I’m sure you’ll find a lot of answers and hopefully some confidence when reading them. :)
The fact is, Ryan, you should be very pessimistic about your dating prospects in Asia (not just Japan, but all of Asia0. Asians don’t like Black men at all. Foreigner/Gaijin means white guy; Blacks are “Kokujin”. Asian girls love foreigners (whites), but despise Blacks and view us as subhuman. I am a Black man with yellow fever too and it’s rough, so I just say give up. Learn to like fat white or latin girls, or live a life of celibacy because those are your only options. Asian hookers won’t even service Black men so life sucks and then you die.
I hate to sound mean, but this is the reality of things. I’ve done two years in Japan and three months in Taiwan so I know what the fuck I’m talking about.
Ok, Rockwell, I know enough to know that they don’t view us as subhuman. If that were true, I would not have Japanese friends at all.
Perhaps it’s just your personal experience that’s left you burned. If you weren’t so damn mean, you might have better luck.
At any rate, I’ll be disregarding your “advice” due to your bad attitude. :notamused:
There are exceptions, but for the most part, Blacks are viewed as subhuman in Asia. Black men are hard-pressed finding jobs or dates while white dudes fall off of the plane and get jobs handed to them and harems. That’s how asia works. You can waste time and money going there if you want to learn the hard way, but I’m trying to save you the trouble.
Thanks, but no thanks. Please leave me be.
Hi, MrRockwell.
I appreciate that you’re sharing your experience and I understand that you are very frustrated.
However, please watch your language.
Also, I don’t know if you accept what I have to say as I’m not black, but I do know quite a few black people here in Japan.
I’ve never heard that they struggled at all.
Of course, it’s frustrating if you can’t get what you want, but I think it’s too easy to blame your skin color.
Check out the lives of other black people in Japan! Do they sound frustrated? Not at all!
To name just one: Baye McNeill aka Loco
@ Rockwell:
I would have to disagree with you. Whilst it is true that it seems that many Asian girls like blonde, blue eyed guys, I am a Latino though I have mostly Caucasian features of the Mediterranean type (dark hair, dark eyes, and olive skin) with some Indigenous features as well, and in my experience, before meeting my girlfriend, not only Japanese girls but also Thai and Filipina girls have been attracted to me more than girls from other backgrounds
Also, respect women and use proper language. And just like in Asia, most Latin American girls (especially those from the middle classes which I am a middle class Mexican and the upper classes) would be reluctant to date or marry a black man because historically, Black Africans along with the Indigenous people have been at the bottom of our caste system historically speaking. That is why you see in the US that most Latino immigrants have heavy Aztec/Inca/Indigenous or African facial features because they make most of the working classes in Latin America. So, if you go to Latin America, you will only have luck with Afro-Latina or mulata women.
Cheers!
I didn’t say that they didn;t like latinos; they worship whites but latinos do well too. Black guys re at the bottom globally and don’t get any so we shouldn’t go to asia. I don’t like latin women and I’m not planning a trip to latin america anytime soon. Black people should separate from other races.
When I told him to learn to like latin girls, I meant the fat ugly ones nobody else wants. Black dudes are stuck dating fat white girls, fat latin girls, and fat black women while we watch everyone else have harems. Black men need to throw in the towel.
Hey Ryan,
I totally understand where you are coming from. From my personal experiences in Japan/Korea, I would say that the truth is somewhere between your mild worries to Rockwell’s pessimism.
First, let me say that Rockwell’s comments don’t come out of the blue and there DEFINITELY is some truth to is. However, I also know that some (extremely attractive) Asian women do love black men. In California for example, there is a stigma that Filipinas love black men.
Anyways, back to Japan.
So, personally, I think if you do come, you will eventually deal with racism. Most likely, it will be some drunk guy who is just speaking his mind without a filter, or some people snickering behind your back. It happens to me from time to time in Korea for being with a Korean woman (I am Mexican).
My advice would be, if you are willing to ignore, and in some cases, confront blatant and extreme racism from time to time, the benefits are worth it. There are surely some Japanese women who would be willing to date a black man.
OH, I also get that from my friends and family. At a certain age, you stop caring about what others think. I personally just love Asian culture and women and don’t feel the need to excuse myself for it. My preference is my own and that is that.
Best of luck.
I really liked your article and it’s topic.
But as a foreigner, I do have to say that sometimes its hard for a foreign male to talk to a woman. (I know that this is not apart of the subject, but I wanted to give a perspective as to my own opinion)
I recently started becoming attracted to Japanese women. Its only after I started watching Sentai’s, that I started to notice how beautiful Japanese women are. I had that feeling of seeing myself with a woman for the rest of my life. But its not because of the physical meaning as to why I am attracted, its because Japanese women are refined. I feel they act as caregivers, while also looking for someone to care for them, I’m not talking about Japanese women who are looking for a foreign boyfriend as an accessory item, but wanting a serious relationship.
Compared to Western women and my luck so far when it comes to women and dating in general, I would probably do better in Japan. I’m a student at a university, I have tried to date with no luck at all. At this point in my life, most would say I should try to “get laid” and go out to get drunk at parties.
To be honest, I am somewhat of an old fashioned guy. I’m a nice guy at heart, I look after my female friends like a bear defending its young (and when I eventually have a wife and kids, I will be that to the 10th degree). I treat women with respect and I’m very much a nerd. Even though the west is showing that being a nerd is nothing to be ashamed about, its not true at times. Most girls where I go to school barely bat an eye, or have the worst taste in men. They never appreciate nice and smart guys.
If I do go to Japan (which I would love to do because I love the culture and history, but considering I may have to wait awhile before I have some money to my name that’s going to be a bit), I don’t want to be the object that is only for status. I want to meet a girl who will want to spend time with me, appreciates that I check in on them, and make them feel happy. But even I know that wont be easy, because I am shy when it comes to girls. I always feel like I’m doing something wrong if I talk to a girl and she wont talk to me, or if I get bluffed by them. Not every foreigner is good at talking, I have trouble with it everyday, and I hope I do not have if I do meet and possibly date a Japanese girl.
Again I really did enjoy your blog
Hi Phil,
I’m glad to hear you liked this article. :D
I’m sorry to hear that you weren’t very lucky in terms of dating thus far.
Well, I’d say one day you can come to Japan and experience dating a Japanese woman. Then you’ll know if that’s really any better than dating a Western woman.
It might be different from the way you imagine it right now, but I wish you good luck! :D
Great post.. and very helpful/informative! I’ve just met a really nice Japanese girl and want to move things along with her. (I suppose I might fit the “ugly westerner” definition!) I’ve been told I have the physique of an olympic swimmer.. but face not so good.. so “the locals” in the UK are not all all interested these days.. for me it’s strange having a really attractive girl that seems to be interested.. it’s a bit scary in fact.. so I’m trying to learn as much about Japanese culture as I can!
Hi Mike,
Learning about Japanese culture – and of course also the language – is a good first step.
I’m sure you’ll find someone eventually – may it be back home in the UK or in Japan.
Good luck to you! ^___^
Hi. Cant believe I havent found this blog earlier. great reading!
I also want to share my experience with Japan. I have travelled to Japan 2 times a year for almost 10 years now.
I would also like to kill the myth about superstars. Sure go to a club in shibya and you might getting lucky from some young girls that just want to have fun and it might be like that. Also its possbiel that you feel like a superstar, girls surrounding you and complymenting you, but they wont sleep with you without knowing you. And if you just want sex and dont mind to upset girls you can date a girl 1-2 weeks, have sex and dump them, this is as easy like in all countries.
My experience is that its extremly hard to approach the working lady behind the counter that you think is supercute and kind. First its the english wich make them very shy and afriad, and you will feel that you herassing the girl instead of complementing her. Also their english is in most cases so bad that its actually impossible to communicate thoughts, feelings and jokes.
Secondly, the japanese culture is like the rest of asia, they suspect the man to have money, they will never lower their bar, your economy status have to be better then hers. This point is what upset me most, I would never pick a girl for what they make or what education they got. I have in some cases actually seen them shining up like candles when I tell them how much I make and that I live in a almost full paid house at home. But to be fair, its the same here in europe on that point.
I might not be like other, I havent been looking for one night stands. I have always wanted a japanese fun and kind life companion and not someone who sees me like an atm machine.
I am pretty avarage looking, few extra pounds but I used to be well fit aswell, didnt make any difference.
To sum up my experience, the ladies I would like to be with, the hard working but still smiles lady in the counters/shops is like the sun, you can always see them but you cant talk to them. These are the ladies I still dream about, I actually even went back 6 months later to see a lovely lady in a cafe, which I tried to speak to but might have let go to easy, but she was not there.
And the hard working good paid ladies will never touch you becouse it would mean that the lowering their bar.
try telling them that you are unemplyed and only high school educated and see how interested they are in interact with a foreigner.
I hope someday soon I will prove myself wrong, but I starting to doubt, and I starting to regret that I didnt try one of the gaijin hunters in my 18-20, maybe they warent what I believed at the time (shallow empty lost) girls.
A little tip from me that are looking for true love. Dont waste years on Gaijins or to high class ladies, unless you make tons of money and dont care if they love you or your pocket. I wasted my youth on chasing the dream but failed.
But I want in the end say that I am happy for those who actually found their love in Japan, becouse if you do its problaby beats everything you could have ever experience in your own country.
For me Japan have started to feel more shallow every year.
Hi Johan!
Thanks a lot for the nice compliment and thanks for sharing your opinion and experience with all of us.
I think that women who are after your money do exist in every country, but here in Japan it’s certainly more extreme than in my home country.
In many Western countries there are enough women who earn more money than their guys, women who would never give up their career for a man. Men even stay at home and take care of the kids while the woman goes to work!
That’s a concept that still doesn’t really exist in Japan. Of course, there are exceptions, but it’s still the dream of most Japanese women to marry some day, stop working, raise children … and all that sounds much better if the husband is a rich guy, right? :( ….
Yes, thats my point. In my country no one really cares what you do for a living, they know that their combined paychecks will cover a good life.
Yet I respect a woman that do want to be home. I am just saying that its more commen in their culture to do so, and that the true love actually is in second hand. Its a reason why the japanese people have a decreasing population and a lack of sex life. Their stereotyped old fashion culture way is somehow hitting back on them now when girls and boys can have fun before they marry a local atm machine.
Good Evening! こんばんは!
Normally i would not comment, but after reading this insightful article and the comments over the last few hours, i feel i had to. Your passion, kindness, respect, and patience really make for fantastic work, and it was a pleasure to read. If your articulation is this good in english, I can only imagine how your japanese is.
I am curious for your opinion if you should wish to venture it. How does the japanese culture, men and women, react to sarcasm? As an american man of 23 (so not young, but not exactly old either), I have a certain degree of the “american dry humor” as my british or euro friends call it. As an introvert, i tend to keep it under wraps until im around close or old friends. I guess my question is, how is that sarcasm/sardonicism perceived in japanese culture in general? I imagine it would depend on generation and social respect, but im curious for your own viewpoint.
Once again, keep up the good work. Your articles are enlightening. :thumbup:
~ K1
K1, thank you so much for your kind words.
It certainly does depend on age, but even on the region in Japan. For example, I’m sure people in Kansai (especially in Osaka) might understand sarcasm or black humor.
I’m not sure about Japanese people in general. I do come across “slight” sarcasm, but I doubt they’d generally understand the “hardcore stuff”. ;)
Western men and women both have it tough in the dating scene in Japan. It may seem like western men get a lot of women superficially, but more than likely its because they are more desperate (and/or paying for it). A prevailing stereotype in Japan is that gaijin always date busu. Which from what I have seen in my years here in Japan is a somewhat accurate generalization although there are exceptions (mostly women that have whatever the vice versa of yellow fever is called).
Western women find it difficult to get in relationships because you are competing against Japanese women with the added handicap of a language barrier. Japanese men in general are not looking for an especially interesting or out of the ordinary partner (they can get that at kyabakura with the added bonus of it not following them home), they are looking for a woman that will cook, clean, and raise their kids for them while being pretty and socially acceptable at the same time. Foreign women in Japan tend not to fill too many of those requirements.
Hi, Gotwired! :)
That’s actually the first time I ever heard that gaijin date “busu” (ugly women). And from my experience it’s not true.
Of course, everyone’s taste differs, but in my opinion I see a lot of not so attractive gaijin running around with pretty Japanese women.
I don’t know if there’s any equivalent to “yellow fever”. The only thing I’ve ever heard was “gaijin hunter”, though I guess that’s not exactly it.
The problem you describe is certainly real, but that’s because a huge number of Japanese guys are already looking for their future wife when looking for a partner. It’s much more “severe” than in many Western countries where it’s rather normal to date someone just because you like that person or find the person interesting but without already thinking about marriage.
The language barrier is not so much a problem, but the stereotype that still exists within Japanese men is. A lot of foreign women speak at least conversational Japanese – and the foreign men who get to date Japanese women can often not speak more than basic Japanese. So I doubt that for initial dating the language is such a big issue.
So if I was to go to tokyo japan I will have a hard time trying to date a guy there???? I already have male friends that are in tokyo now and I’m trying my hardest to learn there language …I guess sometimes your best is not always the best huh…I’m mexican american with canadian background and I was told I was cute from my buddy hiro-san from twitter xD that was soo sweet of him !! And he is super handsome but I can’t come to tell him I like him cause he become my best friend first and I love being showerd with attention :) ..and I’ve notice some men in japan are just too cute and handsome when there young !!! I’m 25 and my buddy is 28 he just so adorable
Hi, Maria!
It’s not easy, but surely possible as you can read here: “Dating Japanese Men“
[…] dating in Japan is easy for non-Asian (particularly white) men and hard for women. I came across a blog post by zoomingjapn, a German girl living in Japan, writing about dating in Japan as a foreigner. She expresses this […]
I personally know a lot of western girls who are dating or married to Japanese guys. Some say that it’s easy to find a date while having a serious relationship is not (but they ARE having serious relationships themselves). Are they exceptions? Maybe. But I just know too many of them to call them exceptions.
In the end, where you live and who you are is much more important than whether it’s (generally) hard to find a date or not. If you live in a small town where you are the only foreigner, dating is obviously hard. Your experience will be greatly different from those who live in big cities.
I’m still trying to find the differences between ‘successful’ and ‘unsuccessful’ people, but one thing I can say is that if you are comfortable adjusting yourself a bit according to a given culture, you will have a much better change. A lot of my ‘successful’ friends have multicultural background. For example, some of them have mixed parents while others have lived in more than two countries.
It’s just my experience so it’s naturally very biased. I seem to know more ‘successful’ ones than ‘unsuccessful’ ones amongst my friends because, I think, I always make friends with very culturally open people. They are the kind of people who hang out with anyone regardless of their origin.
I still somewhat think that dating in Japan is slightly harder compared to more open countries. But ‘harder’ doesn’t mean ‘nearly impossible’. There are a lot of thing you can do to have better relationships.
Your article is so interesting that I wrote a blog post based on it (http://www.yutaaoki.com/blog/is-dating-hard-in-japan-myths-and-reality). It can be read as a very long comment on your article. I think you’ll find it interesting!
Hello, Yuta.
I’ve read your article even before you commented here and I really liked it. Thanks so much. Greatly aprreciated! ^___^
I absolutely agree. And as I’ve only always lived int he Japanese countryside my experience is different from that of women living in big cities.
I think it doesn’t only matter where you come from (e.g. if you have “mixed blood”), but also how open-minded you are and how “ready” to adapt to a new culture.
Thanks again for your comment that is providing a more positive outlook and the great article you wrote! :D
Interesting post, I read an article a few months ago about why some japanese women were not interested in japanese-men.
A poll by Japanese website Nico Video
1. No concept of chivalry – 48.3 percent
2. Don’t express affection – 43 percent
3. Don’t take initiative – 24.7 percent
4. Don’t say nice things about their girlfriends in front of others – 17.6 percent
5. Don’t have a good body – 14.5 percent
Very interesting.
Thanks a lot for sharing. ^^