Ever wondered what dating is like in Japan?
Well, then this post is exactly what you’ve been looking for!
However, if you want to read about bragging stories of all those Western guys who get laid a hundred times per day, then you came to the wrong place.
There are tons of blog posts like that out there. You certainly won’t find that here – and not from a foreign girl like me! .gif){kind=small}
Before we start talking about “Dating in Japan” one thing should be crystal clear:
Dating Experience is Different for Foreign Women and Men
If you’ve ever been to Japan you might have noticed that there’s a tremendous number of (often not so handsome) foreign guys walking hand-in-hand with Japanese women. And at the same time, there’s only a very tiny number of foreign (read: non-Asian) women with Japanese men next to them.
You might ask yourself why is that?
Maybe that’s a secret we’ll never quite get, but there are many theories!
A lot of Japanese women want a guy that tells them several times a day how much he loves them. For some reason (maybe through the consumption of too many Hollywood movies) Japanese women think that foreign men are like that! They’re not afraid of showing their feelings in public or telling their girls flat out how they feel about them.
Of course, having a foreign boyfriend is also “cool” and “exotic“. Some just use those poor guys as cute little “accessories“.
The extreme version of this is known as “gaijin hunter” and some will do everything for the sake of having one of those adorable “half”-kids (half Western, half Japanese) just to toss their foreign guy later on.
For foreign women, it’s a completely different story.
Japanese men seem to expect certain things from a woman. Things that they fear a foreign woman would not agree to do (e.g. stay-home moms, always pour new alcohol into his empty glass etc.).
Maybe they also think that a foreign woman might expect from their man that he’s telling his feelings straight out several times a day, something a shy Japanese man just won’t do.
Another problem is that many of the Japanese men seem to be afraid of their English ability and thus fail to approach a foreign woman.
Most foreign men on the other hand, have no issues approaching a Japanese woman in English – or even in broken Japanese.
These are just a few theories by friends, co-workers and myself. I’m sure you have your own and there’s much more behind all this.
Dating in Japan as a Foreign Man:
As a result, dating in Japan is usually quite easy for men.
At least getting one woman after another into your bed, is really easy, even if you’re quite ugly!
For some reason, Japanese women seem to find even ugly foreign guys attractive …..
It might be a bit more difficult if you’re looking for a serious relationship as there are those women I mentioned earlier who either want you as “exotic accessory” or just want your DNA to create a cute “half-child”.
All in all, it is comparably easy for a Western foreign man to find a Japanese woman or to have a nice relationship here in Japan.
For some guys, it really gets to their heads and they start bragging about it like crazy. They suffer from the so-called superstar syndrome.
Dating in Japan as a Foreign Woman:
For (Western) foreign women in Japan it’s a completely different story.
Japanese guys are often too shy or even scared and the majority of Western men is only interested in Japanese / Asian women.
As a result it is extremely tough to find a date as a foreign woman here in Japan.
It is by far not impossible and I know quite a few girls who don’t only have a Japanese boyfriend, but are also married to a Japanese guy, but it is still the BIG exception!
Some of us will go through a hard time here in Japan.
You’ll start to feel completely unattractive and ignored at times.
Of course, you get a lot of attention and there’s all this staring, but it’s not because anybody is flirting with you … or at least you don’t know the difference anymore.
It might be a different story in bigger cities such as Tokyo and Osaka with a more international community, but in smaller cities and in the countryside with more traditional ideals it can be very difficult for foreign women.
Differences in Relationships:
I personally know a few couples where either the man or the woman is foreign and I noticed quite a lot of differences in the kind of relationship they have.
Please note that the following is based on my personal experience and that not everybody out there is like that.
Foreign Man + Japanese Woman:
In relationships where the man is foreign, I noticed that they mostly speak his native language. Although they live in Japan and sometimes even have children together who also speak Japanese, the foreign guys don’t / can’t speak Japanese.
I also experienced that they’re unable to do anything on their own. Just one example is a co-worker of mine. When I asked him how he obtained his cellphone or credit card, he said his wife did everything for him. .gif){kind=small}
Consequently, a lot of foreign men in Japan don’t see the need to study Japanese, because their wives will take care of all the important things.
One big problem seems to be the fact that in Japan the man earns the money, but the woman takes care of it! The man only gets a small allowance. He actually needs to ask his wife for permission if he wants to spend any of his own hard-earned money! Foreign guys often seem to struggle with this system.
Because of all that I’ve seen couples who got divorced, even when there were kids involved. I noticed that those kinds of relationships seem to work out better if they live in his home country and not in Japan.
Foreign Woman + Japanese Man:
For the opposite constellation, you’ll see that in most(!) cases the woman speaks Japanese. She has studied Japanese properly or puts in a lot of effort to improve her Japanese ability even if the Japanese man can speak her native tongue.
They know how to survive in Japan even without the help of their Japanese partner who is at work most of the time anyway.
The man seems to accept that she wants to keep working even after marriage. Most of the time those kinds of Japanese men who get into a relationship with a foreign woman are more open-minded and have some experience with foreign culture because they’ve lived or studied abroad for a while. And even those who haven’t, seem to accept that there are cultural differences. So, they don’t expect the same they would from a Japanese woman.
All the couples I know of have a relatively harmonic relationship. Of course, there are enough reasons for disputes, but all in all, they seem to manage better than couples where the man is foreign.
Conclusion: Dating in Japan
There’s so much more that could be said about this topic. I’d love to discuss it with you, so get involved in the comment section below.
I’m sure everyone has their own opinion and experience with this.
All I want you to keep in mind is that as a guy you should not let it get to your head because suddenly you get all this attention from beautiful women.
And as a foreign girl you should keep in mind that your time in Japan – at least in terms of romantic relationships – could be quite lonely at times.
Read on:
- All You Ever Wanted To Know About Dating Japanese Men
- Dating a Japanese Woman: What’s It Really Like?
- Is Dating Japanese Women Really That Easy?
If you still want to read more, here are some great books on “Dating in Japan”:
- Understanding Japanese Women by Jonathan C. Richards
- How to Meet Japanese Women by Evan Carter
- True Stories of Mixed Dating in Japan by Yuta Aoki (who’s also written a dating article on my blog)
Hey there. I went though your article and loved it. I wan’t your opinion on my situation.
I am a male in Japan and I am looking for a serious relationship.
I have absolutely no interest in one night stand and picking up girls.
My desire at this point is to find someone who I can really bond with in the long term.
Unfortunately, every time I meet a women who I start to really connect with, the same thing keeps happening.
We talk and get together for a while. Over time we meet more frequently and have more meaningful conversations. Things progressively get more intimate. In time I realize that I am starting to develop feelings for the women.
At that point I have to muster up the courage to tell her about these feelings. Once I finally do it always ends the same way. She tells me that she already has a long term boyfriend.
This blow my mind. In all the time I spend with these women, they never mention there boyfriends once. Where was he this entire time? This has happened 3 times now. It is quite distressing. They act interested and give me tons of attention. I even try to find out if they are taken and they repeatedly dodge the subject or hint that they are single w/o directly saying it.
At this point I don’t know what to think. Any opinions?
This is weird. From a female point of view, I can see how this is a great excuse if they don’t have the same feelings for you.
But, it can’t be a coincidence if it happened three times in a row.
I’m really sorry that has happenend and I truly hope you’ll find a girl who appreciates your feelings.
Thank you for the support.
Its quite disheartening.
Well, I know you can’t rush these things, ill just have to not give up.
I just wish they could be upfront with me and tell me they don’t share my feelings.
I understand if they want to avoid offending me. But lying to and making excesses
makes me feel even worse.
Hi there friends :)
I actually liked a lot this blog and the feedback from people’s experiences here.
@ LeafInWind
I think I can understand what you’ve been through. Maybe it’s only me who noticed but Japanese girls are not so innocent as you think they are. They may even lie about them having having a boyfriend. I have already seen and experienced that many times. I think it’s their way to ” ditch” you as it seems.
Japanese girls are not easy to understand. I have been chatting with married women and they way they talk would make you think they are unmarried or unfaithful. Only to find you have been assuming things wrong. Their culture is very much different from the average international or westerner one. So yeah. I think it’s a long journey ahead if you wanna find a Japanese woman with whom you can be serious in a relationship…
My big dream is to marry a Japanese woman because they are very beautiful and unique women in Europe are not as beautiful as the Japanese women.I am Bulgarian and this is my dream I lived a simple life and what I see and read about Japan is that it is very developed country in tourism and electronics.For me, the most beautiful women Japanese women.
I can only speak from my point of view, but in Japan there are beautiful women as well as ugly women like anywhere else in the world.
Good luck with finding a Japanese woman. Seems like you’ve caught the yellow fever badly. ;)
Thank you for writing such an interesting article..I personally do not know Japanese men who are dating non-Asian women from foreign countries..I have seen it on TV or have read articles which feature these couples..but I know too many Japanese women with non-Asian boyfriends or husbands..I think your assessment is very accurate and it has something to do with the hollywood movies and the stereotypes Japanese people have about western men..what I learned after living in America is that not all men express their feelings in public many times a day and there are too many jerks who do not “commit” themselves to their women..but there are lots of jerks in Japan.
I think the expectation a lot of Japanese women have when it comes to foreign men might be wrong.
Like you say, these expectations are mostly based on movies, magazines and rumors.
It might be true that most Western men express their feelings more openly and clearly, but times are changing – even in Japan.
Let’s see how things will change in the next few years / decades. :)
This is not related to your comment, but I keep getting automatic e-mails from your account saying I have signed up for something when I haven’t.
I tried to reply to these e-mails but I only get error messages. Please fix this.
To me this looks like a scam and if it is, I will have to remove the link to your website immediately.
Thank you.
Hi,
I guess you are right if you are talking about most of foreigh women, who don’t speak language. I am average looking, or even less than average looking (back in my country I’m not consider pretty ) but in Japan I am consider cute and quite pretty, and my biggest asset is my language skills. I came here to polish my Japanese skills not to date, but dating here would be a piece of cake for me. The first week I came here I was asked about boyfriends, if I want o date Japanese guy, and there was a lot of flirting. Usually when somebody askes me about my type, when I describe somebody qute different from them, they are qute upset for moment then looking for THE guy for me… (at first I tried to be nice and just told that I want a guy who would like me – It was a mistake …) There is a guy in my company who I think fancy me (as my boss and colleges often told me and press to date and marry him… srsly… every time we have nomikai I listen to “well you are only the problem in this relationship”, “well but you don’t hate him, you clearly like him so why don’t give a go” and so on (by my boss). If some foreign women, want to date Japanese guys they they relly need to learn language, otherwise it would be problem.
Monika, I agree that dating is much easier if you can speak Japanese here in Japan.
But just because one is fluent in Japanese doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll have an easy time dating! ;)
I’m Asian American and I started dating a Japanese guy about a month ago. He seemed super into me at first. He told me that he likes me and asked me if I want marriage and how many children do I want to have. I met some of his friends and a coworker/friend. He bought me flowers for my birthday. He’s always telling me how much money he’s saving by switching his cell phone plan over. He talked about going on vacation together and getting me a key, etc. but now he’s not as affectionate as he was before. He no longer wants to make plans to go on dates in advance. He works super early in the mornings and sometimes evenings as well.
Last time I saw him he told me about this work problem that he’s having and how he may lose his job. He also said he might have to get a roommate. I asked him at the end of the night if he thought everything was ok between us. He seemed really taken aback and said I think so. He hasn’t texted me in a week and I wonder if I am being dumped.
Considering that he seems to have a lot of stress at work, I think that could be the reason for this lack of affection and communication.
Japan’s overtime work can be super crazy as you probably know, so I wouldn’t just give up yet.
But having times where your guy is not available and not affectionate because of stress, is normal if dating a Japanese man, I fear. :/
I havent lived in Japan, but I did live in China for several years, and some of your observations sounds very similar.. It is true that when a foreign guy goes out, he can get a ton of attention from Asian women. But dont misunderstand what is happening. The Asian girls have all heard about how foreign guys are different. About how we flirt and react differently that Asian men.. These women are simply curious and amused. The attention these women give us, is equivalent to poking the bear at the zoo with a stick to get a reaction. They flirt with us, because they want to provoke this behavior from us. We are just too easy to get a reaction out. Image an attractive young teenage girl who has just starting to develop physically, and for the first time realizes the power they have over men. At first they deal with that power in a very immature way, teasing the heck out of any guy, just for the attention.. But with no real interest in taking it anywhere.. The is exactly what these women are doing.. It is a novelty to them.. That level of flirting and attention doesnt translate to sex the way it would in the west.
Thank you, Captain Obvious.
I really like the way you explain it and I think for many Japanese women it’s exactly that.
Others really just want to date a guy who is more passionate. At least that’s what a lot of female friends and co-workers tell me.
And then there are always the extreme “gaijin hunters” who would love to have a beautiful and cute “half kid”. *sigh*
Very interesting article. I lived in Japan for 5.5 years and saw things from both sides of the fence. I had a number of white female friends who were ALWAYS complaining about how they couldn’t get a boyfriend. I also had a lot of Japanese male friends who would confide in me and throw the same girls desiring glances but nothing would happen- I would try to set it up time-and-time again but nothing would ever happen. After a while I gave up trying to get the two “worlds” to meet they seemed to throw each other the wrong “signals”. The females would twirl their hair and stare back at the men, smiling and giving playful glances- which ended up scaring the men. The Japanese men would stand around trying to look cool and aloof (but still non-threatening) and my white female friends would see their attempts at not interested in them and get frustrated. Some of my female friends would tone down their “sexiness” or “come hither” looks (very difficult if they hadn’t had sex in a while) and in some cases managed to get closer to the men/man they wanted but this never seemed to satisfy them. Or some of my Japanese male friends made advances towards the girls (overcoming tremendous social and inter-personal strain) and it would either work or they’d be so devasted as to swear off girls for ages afterwards (cultural learning starts at birth and can’t be simply ignored/forgotten with an extra beer or three).
In terms of myself I was considered sexy as hell for the first year but then I made the decision (silly silly boy) of trying to fit into Japanese society (as I was tired of the “outside of the rules” life I had been shoe-horned into). Actually the first time I was jostled in a crowd and taken for another citizen almost made me cry with joy (previously I had a “bubble” around me- even in peak hour Tokyo foot traffic). Of course a white person with a passible knowledge of Japanese language and culture wasn’t as sexy as a complete novice so my “pool” shrunk significantly but I found it easier to meet the girls who I WANTED to meet, girls that were attracted to me (and I them) were more of the conversational ones and heartfelt and world-aware ones so it worked out :) I can’t say I didn’t totally miss being the centre of attention but it did make me feel more comfortable.
Ah, the immortal war between the sexes!! At least I don’t live in the UAE where the ratio of men to women is 2 to 1 compared to the more comfortable 1 to 1.
PS. I love the way you’ve commented so many times to so many people (this is not a demand that you reply to mine it’s simply an observation!)
Hey Luke!
Thanks so much for sharing your lovely story. I like how you tried to hook up Japanese men and foreign women, but …. failed. ^^
I can see why it didn’t work out and I fear for most people this is true indeed. So sad! :(
Totally understand that trying to fit in will make you less “attractive” because you’re suddenly less “foreign”.
Luckily I do blend in quite well from behind (dark hair, not too tall), so people often think I’m Japanese when they approach me from behind to ask me something or on the phone. I know how you must have felt the first time this happened to you. :)
Glad you found a good way that works for you here in Japan and I’m so happy to hear that you’re trying hard to “fit in”. I wish there were more people, especially foreign men, around like you! :D
Oh, and I always try to reply to all the comments here on my blog! ^____^;
Hey there! How is it going?
Even though I’ve never been to Japan, I really like the culture, food &nd anime( ^^ haha). I’m particulary interested in this topic.
As a Hongkong Chinese raised in the Netherlands, do you happen to know how difficult a relationship will be with a Japanese woman? Sorry for asking, I’m very curious. ;P
Thank you for your time.
Hey Aozora! :D
I guess nobody can tell you until you try! ;)
I don’t see any difference to other cross-cultural relationships. You’ve probably read the interviews here on my blog and so you know what kind of issues you might run into, right?
Apart from that I don’t see why there should be any problems.
Good luck! :D
[…] • “Chikan” and “Gaijin Hunters.” I am a woman, and obviously I will be a foreigner in Japan. I have read and watched many videos about gaijin hunters and terrifying stories from women who have had to deal with chikan. I would like to think that I know how to handle such perverts, being that we have a lot of creeps where I live, but again, being that I have yet to gain any experience in Japan, I’m not really sure what to expect. All I can do is read about the experiences of other women and be prepared for anything. If you’re not sure what a chikan is, I suggest you check this out, and for info on what a gaijin hunter is, refer to this. […]
Hey, I’m in Japan currently, and I see the ratio of foreign guys with Japanese girls to foreign girls to Japanese girls is crazy. In harajuku, I saw the most of foreign guy / J-girl couples. In Shibuya, most of the foreigners, I saw were with other foreigners. Shinjuku, it’s a mixture, but it’s a few places were you can meet others easily.
One thing I notice about foreign women in Japan is that they seem secluded to themselves. When eating in fast food places you’ll see J-guys making eye-contact with foreigner girls and the girl usually turns back to her phone/food quickly. While a few guys, will look and/smile or actually say something, even if its something small.
Very interesting observations, Nicolas, especially about the foreign women in Japan.
I wonder if I’m like that, too, but in my case it’s because a) I’m shy and b) I’m always busy. *g*
Thanks a lot for your comment! :D
There are a lot of good points here but one point I believe is a myth and I didn’t find it to be true (or at least it is exaggerated) when I actually got the Tokyo (been here 3 years).
Yeah as a foreign guy you have an advantage you didn’t have in your own country because you are exotic. But if you are ugly in your home country you are still ugly in Japan. If you are hot in your own country then you are hot in Japan.
Maybe you get a +1 or 2 on your attractiveness (out of 10) for being exotic but honestly the couples I see are quite well matched, even with the foreign guy being hotter than the Japanese girlfriend as often as the other way around. As a foreign guy in Japan yeah the process to get more girls is easier but in terms with how hot you can match with I think there isn’t much of a difference. I had attractive girlfriends in America and also have an attractive girlfriend now in Japan (that I like to think I am evenly matched with :P).
I’ve seen some not so sweet looking guys come here thinking the myth was true and they would be super star players here but they were very disappointed….
One more random point: The hottest of the hot Japanese girls seem to only be with Japanese guys
I think it might have to do with the fact that you live / used to live in Tokyo.
There are a lot of foreigners in Tokyo and so Japanese women have a great pool to choose from.
In the countryside, however, there are only a few foreigners, so I suppose even the “ugly ones” have better chances.
I can’t really compare. I can just say that I’ve seen a few foreign guys that I don’t consider as handsome at all with rather beautiful Japanese woman a few times. I have no idea if there were “even uglier” guys around at the same time and if the girl just went with the “better option”. If you know what I mean.
Jeez, I feel so horrible talking that way and calling people ugly. :(
This blogger is clearly jealous and is strictly spewing hate on white men over it. Lose the act please. You know just as well as the rest of us that there’s tons of good looking white guys with really hot Japanese girls. Your argument should be quite the opposite, because on the contrary, most of the white girls I see in America who date interracially are hideous.
But I can tell you delete comments that disagree with your skewed point of view, but that’s okay because there’s tons of other blogs that rip on white women also. :-)
I wouldn’t say I’m jealous, I’m just trying to understand what I see. :)
I don’t know about white girls in America as I’ve never been there.
Who knows, maybe I would rant about that as well. But my life is here in Japan and thus that’s what I’m writing about.
It’s quite possible that I would rant about ugly white women getting all the handsome Japanese men, if I’d see that happening all of the time, but I don’t.
I don’t delete any comments. I never have. Unless they’re spam or violating my comment policy.
Why should I delete comments just because people disagree with my opinion? ;)
And why do you think I do?
As long as people stay polite and don’t insult each other here, I won’t delete anything. :D
Oh, dear…….
I want to ask you that “IF I WROTE ABOUT YOUR COUNTRY’S PEOPLE LIKE THIS, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT IT?”
I don’t know how many Japanese you met in your life. I also have foreign friends, they are American, British, Australia, and other else too. I went to these countries several times each.
However, I DO NOT SAY “American guys like this.” “British guys like that.”, becaue I feel rude to them and I think all people who is different from others. Do you think is that the same as all of people in the world?
Actually, you must have only the chance to meet with Japanese who is that way as you are saying, because YOU ARE A FOREIGNER.
I think I also have the chance to meet only a kind of new person who has an interest about Japan.
So, that’s why I am thinking that I can’t say “I know who is American. They are like this.”
Because that’s sure there are still many American as I still don’t know the types.
What do you think about if I say that “THERE ARE MANY “YOUR COUNTRY’s WOMEN THEY ARE SLUTS.” But I just met A FEW PEOPLE in the COUNTRY.
And many Japanese people will be thinking about foreigners are just wanting to play with the Japanese, and they must thinking MANY Japanese women are easy to get in the bed.
How stupid thing this is? For what are you wanting to tell others like a stereotype in your a small experience, while hurting Japanese feelings?
I think every country is SAME in the world, just different some of culture things.
There are many kinds of people in a country. Don’t you think it?
Hello maron.
First of all, I’d like to ask you not to use abusive language (e.g. slut) and to write in captial letters. It seems very aggressive and some people might feel offended when reading your comment. Thank you. :)
I understand your point, but maybe you haven’t read the blog post carefully enough? Or maybe I haven’t made it clear enough – if so, I’m sorry.
I always say people should take it with a grain of salt when I write things like that. I do like to exaggerate, to provoke and obviously it worked on you.
I’m not sure if it became clear enough in this post, but in other articles (like this one) I always assure that not all people are the way I describe them. I hate generalization.
I do emphasize that there are always exceptions and that all I write about is solely based on my own experience.
Why I can’t write “slut”? Did you understand I mean and why I wrote it?
I am asking you that “What do you think if I wrote “women in your country, they are like sluts.They got married with a foreigner because they just wanted have a mix child.”
How many Japanese friends do you have?
Don’t you understand you are saying “British is like this.” “Italian women like that.” even you just met A FEW people.
I hope you to know that how much nonsense and rude things you wrote.
Thank you.
I tried to explain it to you, but it seems you can’t understand what I was trying to explain.
I’m sorry. If I knew a better way to explain what I actually meant, I would try.
Like I said I’m not trying to generalize people. I am not saying “ALL Japanese people are like this. Americans are like that.”
If you got the impression, then I’m sorry.
If you still feel that I only write nonsense and rude things, then I highly recommend you stop reading my blog. :)
After all, you don’t have to read this “nonsense” of mine.
Thank you.
>foreign guys walking hand-in-hand with Japanese women. And at the same time there’s only a very tiny number of foreign (read: non-Asian) women with Japanese men next to them.
I call this bullshit.
Japanese male with foreign female couple are more exists in Japanese street.
But they are mostly not “westerner”.that’s why you gaijin never noticed this.
>Of course, having a foreign boyfriend is also “cool” and “exotic“. Some just use those poor guys as cute little “accessories
also this is totally bullshit.
I’m a Japanese woman and never think foreign male are cool accessories…
it’s opposite in here…having foreign husband/bf is hated in rural area.
Hello JP girl,
First of all I’d like to ask you not to use words like “BS” or “slut”. There might be younger people who are reading this, too.
Thank you very much.
As I wrote in my blog post, I just described the things I see with my own eyes. I know that there are a lot of Asian people who are dating each other, but just like you said it isn’t that obvious. How am I supposed to know if a couple is Japanese-Chinese or Korean-Chinese, Japanese-Japanese etc. without asking them first.
But a Western-looking person with an Asian person stands out – and that gives me (and many others) the impression I’ve described.
And if you’re completely honest, then sometimes even Japanese people don’t know if the person in front of them is a fellow Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese etc. Sometimes it’s just hard to tell, isn’t it? No offense.
Please read the text I wrote and you quoted one more time. I clearly said “some“. It means that there are people like that, but by no means I said that all Japanese are like that. I would never say that. That would imply I knew each and every single Japanese person on this planet – and I’m pretty sure I don’t. ;)
However, I’ve met people who were like that. I’ve also met a lot of Japanese woman who are the nicest people ever. Some of my former co-workers, for example! :)
So, the word “some” didn’t include you, didn’t include the majority of Japanese women. All I was saying is that there are women like that and maybe you’ve even heard of them as well. (And by no means is this limited to Japanese women. Horrible people like that exist everywhere in the world. But this blog is about Japan, so I write about Japan and its people.)
also Japanese woman are more marrying with same East Asian(Korean/Chinese) guys than Western guys.
Do you know this fact?
I really hate you typed like that Japanese girls are all white fever sluts…:(((( *sigh!*