After publishing the article “The Truth About Dating In Japan As A Foreigner” a lot of female readers asked me what it’s like to date a Japanese guy.
Many seemed to be interested in cultural differences and resulting problems in the relationship between a foreign woman and a Japanese man.
Although I’ve been in Japan for 6 years now, I totally lack that kind of experience. 
Instead I asked friends and fellow bloggers, who have had Japanese boyfriends or are even married to a Japanese man, to share their personal experience with us.
It was an interesting journey and I want to thank all of the participants for taking the time to tell us about their own unique story. .gif)
Name: Zia
Nationality: Puerto Rican
Age: 24
First, let’s hear what Zia has to say. She’ been in Japan for many years and had to go through a lot during her time here already:
“I moved to Japan when I was 18 and have been dating Asian guys ever since. I’ve never dated Western guys, though. I often hear girls who long for Asian boyfriends say that Western guys are dogs, and I can confidently say that Asian men are no different. Just like with any place you go, you have your good guys and your bad guys.”
Zia, I think we can all agree with that! .gif)
“During my first couple of years here, I encountered a lot of guys whose interest in me came purely from the fact that I was foreign. They wanted to know all about Puerto Rico and always brought up the fact that one day, I’d return to my own country.”
I wonder if that’s generally one thing that might prevent Japanese men from dating a Western girl. They’re afraid that one day she might leave Japan again? Hm.
“Now that I’m older, I still come across a lot of men who seem interested in dating a foreigner for language reasons. These are the types of guys I feel we foreign girls encounter most. Amongst them, the good guys are hidden!”
I think that’s generally a big problem – not only when trying to find an “honest” relationship, but also true friends. I’ve heard from many people that they were just “used” as an opportunity to get free English lessons (or whatever their native language was). I bet it’s difficult to filter the ones who are truly interested.
Not only that, but also stereotypes seem to be an issue:
“There are a lot of stereotypes and some girls use them for their own personal gain. Those that stand true to who they are seem to be the ones who find solid relationships. In my case, for instance, men are quick to bring up the topic of bikinis and love hotels the minute I mention I’m Latina. They expect me to put out whenever we’d go out. For a long while, after the loss of someone I planned on spending my entire life with, I gave in to that stereotype and was unable to get involved in a serious relationship.”
Zia is pointing out a few problems in her current relationship due to cultural differences:
“Now, I’m in a happy relationship with an older man who doesn’t speak a lick of English or Spanish, which is my main language. We come across a lot of problems. For one, I’m very passionate in my way of moving and speaking, and I sometimes forget to respect personal space. I’m not at all intimidated by physical contact. He’s the opposite. What we consider common sense is very different.”
Name: Jen
Nationality: British
Age: 27
Jen has dated a couple of Japanese guys and is now married to one. She has experienced issues in her relationship because of cultural differences:
“When I first started dating my husband he was embarrassed to hold hands with me in public. This applied more in Japan than when we were in England, although now he seems completely okay with it. In general, Japanese men are likely to be embarrassed about showing affection in public – even things like putting an arm around someone’s shoulders, or hugging, never mind kissing. Very touchy feely Japanese couples are definitely NOT the norm.”
As another big problem Jen states:
“Long working hours and overtime are common here in Japan. My first Japanese boyfriend would go for weeks without contacting me because he was working late every day. Also, a general lack of e-mailing, phone calls etc. seems to be normal. Although I don’t think that this just applies to Japanese men!”
In the previous article we were already discussing the language issue that cross-cultural couples might have. Jen says:
“If you can both speak the other person’s language, there are probably going to be disagreements about what language to speak. My husband and I have a system where we swap languages every day – so today is an English day, and tomorrow is Japanese. At first, we went through periods where we would only speak English (which I didn’t like) or when we would only speak Japanese (which he didn’t like). Obviously we change it according to the circumstances (we are not going to speak in English to each other when out with a lot of Japanese friends!), but this system really works for us. I think this is an important thing to sort out!”
Jen and her husband on vacation in Korea.
Jen’s advice for overcoming or dealing with cultural differences is:
“I think in general, it’s important to be very open about what you are expecting from the relationship. If you need a lot of hugs and affection, make sure that he knows and don’t just get annoyed that he’s not automatically doing it. As long as you’re both honest and open about things, and actually communicate properly with each other, it should be okay!”
If you are single like me, you probably wonder about how to approach a Japanese man. Jen suggests:
“Even if you are shy, if you like someone you should be proactive about it. There is a good chance that he will like you too, and just not have imagined that you could possibly be interested in him. A lot of Japanese men seem to have an inferiority complex (many of my Japanese male friends have told me this), so they might not imagine that any non-Japanese woman would ever be interested in them. So if you like someone, go for it!”
Name: River
Nationality: American (USA)
Age: late 20s
River is a young American who has dated a few Japanese guys before marrying one of them. About her first Japanese boyfriend she says:
“He was just a gaijin-hunter, so that didn’t go to well. He wouldn’t learn any English and it was really frustrating to communicate only in Japanese. At first I was happy about this, because I wanted to speak Japanese. However, the deeper things went, the more difficult it was to understand each other. Even when we broke up it was long and drawn out and he wanted to ‘stay friends’ which I’ve heard is what most Japanese guys like to do. Even after we’d been broken up for a few months he’d still write to me and ask what I was doing and how I was …”
After dating a few Japanese guys she finally met her husband. They seem to have issues caused by cultural differences, but they were able to overcome some of them:
When I started dating my husband, I didn’t really feel that we had any cultural barriers. I guess because by then I’d been in Japan long enough that I knew my way around and I had lived with two Japanese host families, so I have a good sense of Japanese manners and customs. We only spoke in Japanese with each other for a short time before he started to learn English, so he could communicate with me better. We eventually stopped speaking Japanese and now I’m actually unable to speak Japanese in front of him (shy, embarrassed … I’m not sure). I actually forget that he’s Japanese and that he can speak Japanese.”
Although they’ve found a solution for some of the problems, River says:
After we got married we had some trouble with things like housework and money, but I’m not sure if that’s just him, a Japanese trait, or normal married life. He doesn’t expect me to cook Japanese food and he doesn’t measure me by my miso soup making skills (I’ve gotten told by MANY people that my husband will basically judge me on my miso soup). We do have a lot of trouble communicating when we fight and again I’m not sure if it’s a language issue, culture, or just us …”
I found the following statement interesting, because I heard a lot of Western girls with Japanese boyfriends or husbands saying the exact same thing:
“My husband isn’t a typical Japanese guy.”
River adds:
“I actually have a big problem with people prefacing their relationships with their significant other’s ethnicity. I never call my husband my ‘Japanese husband’. And I hate it when people act like I won a prize or ‘got’ something special because he’s Japanese. He’s just … him.”
Name: Alyse
Nationality: American (USA)
Age: 25
Alyse, a young American woman married to a Japanese man, notices the following cultural differences that sometimes cause problems in her relationship:
“Every guy I’ve ever been in a relationship with has been different from the last, but I suppose dating a Japanese guy has the added spice of major cultural differences, as opposed to just differences in hobbies or upbringing. And from these differences, the biggest one would be language. No matter how fluent each of us becomes in our second language, something is always lost in translation, and that can quickly escalate into a huge argument until we don’t even remember what we started arguing about in the first place. But there’s nothing we can really do other than keep studying and keep trying. So for that part, a significant amount of patience might be necessary.”
The language barrier seems to be a real issue even when you try hard to understand each other. However, Alyse mentions other problems as well:
“Another difference I noticed has to do with taking care of the household. It took a bit of adjusting (especially on my husband’s side). We knew that we would both be working, but when we first got married, Shota was under the impression that I would be making him lunch every morning, doing his laundry, and just taking care of the house as well as going to work full-time. It’s taken all 3 years of being married and countless long-winded explanations/rants in English and Japanese on my part, but most of the chores are split down the middle now.”
Just like River, Alyse also notices cultural differences when it comes to responsibilities in the household. Her advice is:
“I think when it comes to international relationships, especially with women from countries where men and women are viewed as mostly equals, it takes a lot of time and effort by both for it to work, and if both aren’t ready to concede or make compromises, the relationship won’t last for long.”
Alyse also mentioned another potential issue that nobody else brought up thus far:
“Something I’ve heard is that their mothers can be quite a problem, and this isn’t just for non-Japanese women, but just for the wives of Japanese men in general. The relationship between the mother-in-law and wife can be tenuous at best, and disastrous at its worse. And if you’re dating/marrying the eldest son of the family, you might be expected to move in with his family to take care of his parents as they age. This trend has started to drop off a bit in this generation, but it’s just one of the many things you should think about in a serious relationship!”
I also asked Alyse if she has any advice for us single girls when it comes to dating Japanese men:
“Landing a Japanese guy is EASY. Landing a guy who is serious about dating you, and understanding when he is serious, might be a bit harder to do. I didn’t start officially dating Shota until I confessed to him. If they reply positively, then you’re basically a couple, and if not, then it’s probably not going to work. But no matter how many dates you go on, you’re probably not a couple until you confess to him. At least, that’s how I’ve come to understand it. Every person/couple is different, so I suppose the biggest thing is to be open to whatever comes and not to make judgments or assumptions beforehand.”
Name: Claudia
Nationality: German
Age: 23
Claudia is a fellow German woman, but unlike me she met a Japanese guy in her younger days and got married already:
“My husband and I met when I was 19 and living in Tokyo on a Working Holiday Visa. I had not dated terribly much before. There had been two relationships that lasted for a while – with a Japanese guy and with a Korean guy.
We met through friends of friends. At the first meeting we exchanged mail addresses, met up a few times after that and at some point it just happened. Then, I had to leave the country (simple reason: my visa expired), we were in a long-distance-relationship for almost two years and got married as soon as he graduated university.”
Claudia says that her husband actually never wanted to marry a Japanese woman and here’s why:
“According to him, Japanese women are annoying, because they rather keep their emotions inside. Thus, little annoyances turn into huge problems. He also says that, as soon as Japanese women have babies, they turn into mothers, with not hint of the awesome wife you had before, destroying romance and attraction. I’m not entirely sure where he got these ideas from, but they’re his reasons.”
Claudia mentions issues, but also continuous efforts in her relationship that are necessary because of cultural differences:
“When we met he only spoke Japanese, but right now he is making an effort to learn English (we gave up on German, he promised he’ll start learning as soon as we have children). As most Japanese people, he is hugely interested in food and works too much. 120 hours of overtime should not be normal for anyone.”
According to Claudia the biggest difference between dating a Western man and dating a Japanese one is:
“Showing physical affection outside of the house: When we started dating, he wouldn’t even hold my hand when we were outside. Fortunately he has gotten used to it, but he will not hold my hand in front of his parents unless I initiate it. Kissing is still extremely embarrassing for him, and so the physical part of the relationship happens at home. At first, this sudden change in affection as soon as the door closed behind us was weird, but now I actually like it. It’s like there’s a side of my husband only I know.”
Another difference she has found between Japanese and German (Western) men is the following:
“He is willing to spend a lot more money on food and travel than I’d expect a German to. To him it’s normal that good things cost money and he’d rather have a stellar experience (paid for with his overtime pay) than a cheap, but unsatisfying one. He also doesn’t complain about my spending, as long as I can afford it.”
Claudia doesn’t mention any problems with her mother-in-law. On the contrary, she had less problems with her husband’s family than she thought she would have:
“His parents luckily were excited about the prospect of gaining a German daughter-in-law. I’m not sure most Japanese parents would be that happy, but my father-in-law used to go abroad for work several times a year, and a relative has been living in Canada for basically forever, so they’re open towards foreign cultures. Oh, and Germany has a ridiculously good reputation in Japan. I had a chance to meet a big part of the family and the only one who had any ‘problems’ was my husband’s grandmother, who even after meeting me several times still doesn’t believe that I actually speak Japanese. I’m not going to complain though, she’s in her 80s.”
Claudia doesn’t seem to have to fight with her husband about doing the chores:
“Different from some other Japanese men, my husband doesn’t complain about my housewife skills. At least not a lot. He does not expect me to keep the house extremely clean or to cook every day. Not only does my husband not make a fuss, he actually helps with the household when he has the time.”
When asked for advice on how to go about finding a Japanese boyfriend, Claudia’s response was:
“Know people who have access to tons of Japanese people. Ask to meet their friends. Be yourself, but keep in mind that Japanese culture is different from your own culture. Respect that, as far as you can without being untrue to yourself. Speaking Japanese also helps a big deal, especially as you will probably deal with the family of your boyfriend or spouse at some point.”
Name: Vivian
Nationality: Canadian
Age: 30
Last, but not least Vivian, a Canadian in her 30s, has a very positive opinion about cultural differences in a relationship:
“There’s always interesting cultural differences that pop up in the course of the relationship – some are exciting, while others can be more difficult to deal with, but I think it’s the same as any relationship, regardless of the culture. There’s always things you learn about the other person. Being in Japan, I think that dating a Japanese man can open up a whole new world, seeing Japan from a Japanese perspective, and you can learn a lot about the country and culture.”
As for finding a Japanese boyfriend, she suggests:
“I think men are men – everywhere in the world. Of course there are some specific cultural traits that differ, but overall, I’d say finding a Japanese boyfriend is the same as finding any boyfriend. Japanese men might seem shy at first, but ultimately they want the same thing.
If you can’t speak much Japanese, it’s probably best to go for a Japanese man who has lived abroad and can speak fluent English. If you can speak Japanese, you have better chances to meet them as it’s easier to have a conversation and flirt when you share a language. My advice is to take things slow, but if you like a Japanese guy don’t be shy to ask him out as he might be too intimidated to do so.”
Vivian has an interesting advice for anybody who wants to date a Japanese man that nobody else mentioned so far:
“This may not please everyone, but I suggest to take good care of your physical appearance. For example, most Japanese women are meticulous about their appearance, and while you don’t need to look like a walking doll, basic things like nice clothes, healthy body, skin and hair really make a difference. I believe you should never change your personality to please a man! I’m sure some Japanese men think most foreign girls are too loud and extroverted, but if that’s how you are then you should find someone who will embrace it.”
Dating Japanese Men – Conclusion
I think we all gained very interesting insights thanks to these young women who were willing to share their unique stories and experiences with us.
While there’s no doubt that each relationship is different, a few things were mentioned again and again. I guess it’s safe to say that you should keep those in mind if you are thinking about dating Japanese men:
- Japanese men are often very shy, so you should be proactive
- There might be no physical contact in front of others ( in Japan)
- There might be fights over household responsibilities
- Even if you speak each other’s mother tongue there might be communication issues
- Overtime and long working hours could become a problem in a relationship
- Be open-minded and ready to compromise
I know there are a lot of young women out there who are either interested in dating Japanese men or who are already in a relationship. This post could only display the experience of a handful of people. If you have your own unique story, questions or comments, don’t be shy and speak up! Of course, guys are welcome to share their opinion and experience as well!
I’m looking forward to hearing from you! .gif)
This really was interesting to read! I am really curious though, and have been wondering for awhile now, why is it that public displays of affection are so embarrassing in Japanese culture? Like simple things like holding hands, hugs, or even being more open about feelings at first???
I’m not sure if I’m good at explaining this, Eriana, but it’s a very good question.
Japanese hate to lose their face in front of others. They don’t want to show their weak spots that’s why they usually don’t freak out, cry, scream or show their feelings openly.
That’s how life is in a “conformist” culture where the nail that sticks out gets hammered.
I think this goes back in Japan’s history where there were different levels in social status and people tried everything to be loyal and good to their lords. And if they “lost their face”, they commited suicide.
Nobody wants to stick out – and if nobody is kissing in public, then that’s the way to go.
Japan is a country full of contradictions. In one corner you find all the hentai manga, but on the other hand there’s no real kissing on TV or in public.
I suppose showing affection is something intimate that you’re supposed to only show your partner. It can’t be shown in public.
Hello!
I read this post and wrote here on February. I’m a 33 years old Japanese man living in Osaka, Japan.
I asked how to meet a foreign woman and I got some advice. After that, I started exchanging emails with a woman who was going to come to Osaka for work. We exchanged many emails for 2 months. I taught her some Japanese, we wrote about out cultural differences, our ways of thinking, and so on. She seemed to be a really nice woman and I started to like her. In one of her emails, she said she didn’t want a man who is aggressive, so I tried not to be so. She came to Japan before Golden Week holidays. We were going to meet during the holidays. I was really really looking forward to meeting her, but before Golden Week I didn’t get any emails from her. I was worried about her, but I thought that she might be really busy after arriving Japan and she had so many things to do. Then I finally got an email after the holidays started. In her email, she said she had been exchanging emails with not only me but also other Japanese guy and she met him after she arrived in Japan. The man asked her to meet many times and they met while she didn’t replied me at all. She was asked to go out on a date. She said he was a nice guy, but he didn’t want her to meet other guys while they are going out. She didn’t say exactly “yes” to him but she was hesitated to meet me.
I was shocked because I was just a one of her friends she made before she came to Japan. The guy was aggressive while I was tried not to be, and they met.
I felt really said. I felt I was just stupid… Or maybe I was stupid.
I just forget her and try something new till I meet someone nice.
I hope someday I can write here that I meet a nice woman and have fun.
Dear zoomingjapan
Is it possible to delete my previous writing? I was too emotional to see myself from the third person when I wrote it. I read through again and it sounds too wimpy and I’m very ashamed. I should have think clamly before I send the comment.
I think others would love to hear what happend to you and read about your experience. I don’t think you were too emotional.
I was happy to hear back from you, although it wasn’t good news.
If you still want me to delete it, I will, but I think it’s better to leave it online for everyone to see. :)
I’m so sorry to hear it didn’t work out. :(
But not all women are like her. In my eyes it’s too soon to give up!
You weren’t stupid at all you were just unlucky! That can happen to anyone. I’m just very sorry that your first experience had to end like that.
Don’t give up. I’m sure you’ll find a nice woman! :D
Dear zoomingjapan
Thank you for saying so.
I’m still depressed a little and I feel embarrassed to read my writing, but please leave it there if you think it shouldn’t be deleted.
I now have no idea what I can do to meet a nice foreign woman living in Japan. Do you think participating international parties is a good idea? It will be nice if I can hear from people who have attended on.
I’ve never been to an international party, but it sounds good. I would give it a try.
I also wouldn’t give up on language exchange partners just because you had one bad experience. ;)
Why the hell do you absolutely want to meet a foreign woman ?
The last thing a woman is attracted to is a guy with weird fetishes. She will feel that you’ve chosen her because she was not japanese. See what I mean ?
While I see where you’re coming from, I think you’re a bit too strict on him. :)
Of course, I can’t speak for rgm, but I think he just would like to meet a foreign woman to see what it’s like?
I find it much worse if somebody is fixated on ONE nationality. They could meet the greatest person in the world, but reject her / him because they have the “wrong” nationality.
Hi rgm, I have a friend who is single and she is really interested in Japanese guys, she keeps telling me how lonely she is just like how you are, but I don’t really want to give out her personal info on public comments. :sweatdrop: There is a classifieds section on a website called Japan-guide, its not supposed to be used for dating ads but you can post a language or friend seeking ad and you can choose which gender you prefer to receive replies from (it has a category drop menu thing to choose the preferred gender) so you could choose the female one to prefer replies from on it. Also there are a few Asian male, non-Asian female dating websites, there is a completely free dating website (you don’t need a paid membership to message or talk to the members) its called hey-ai.com . And there is another dating website called japan-cupid where there are foreign women and foreign men looking for Japanese partners, but japan-cupid has both free and paid membership, the free membership is limited in what you can do so I suggest the paid membership.
Hey,
I like this guy but I’m not sure whether to confess. He is rediculously shy!
I’m in university and I met a Japanese guy, we were language exchange partners. At first I thought he was rude and aloof but then I started to have a crush on him, because he remembered small details about me and looked at me in the eyes (Rare for Japanese). He joined same class as me and started to hang out with friends.
Although he said he like Japanese girls, he said he like foreign girl but don’t think it’s possible, what does this mean? Also he knows I’m more experimented than him (he never had a girlfriend, I’ve had a boyfriend) and I’m afraid this may have intimated him.
Long story short, he left back to Japan and I am going to Fukuoka next year for exchange for a year. He told me he want to meet in Japan and he will come visit me. swell, however, since his return I’m always inniciating the conversation through text and sometimes he don’t respond if there is no question mark (May be a language thing) I’m so confused, does he like me? Should I even tell him I like him?
Hello Sarah. :)
Does he also live in Fukuoka? Japan is quite big, so even if you move to Japan, you might not be able to see him very often unless he lives nearby.
It is a very common belief among Japanese men that foreign women aren’t interested in them. Maybe that’s what he meant when he said that it might be impossible.
Nobody here can tell you what you should do.
You have to ask yourself what happens if you tell him that you like him? What happens if you don’t?
I wish you all the best and keep us updated! :D
Either way, I hope you’ll enjoy Fukuoka!! ^__^
This was a very great post!
It makes my heart warm to read the about successful relationship of Japanese men with foreign women. I also read the comments, even though it’s already late at night and I have work tomorrow… But my insides are going “kyaa kyaa” I can’t sleep :happy:
My story probably doesn’t count but I’d like to express myself a bit, so I’m telling anyway. It’s probably long though.
I have made a lot of Japanese friends online to build up my Japanese language. A lot of them come and go. Only available sometimes in a few days to a few weeks to a few months. Guys and girls alike.
However, among those guys, is a guy who is special to me.
He is special, because he is a true gentleman in my eyes. And we have a lot in common. There were a lot of “oh really? me too!!” moments. He makes these super funny jokes, and I noticed him laughing at my jokes as well. He gave me a lot of support when I was down.
We only started with just chatting on Skype, and then we started calling. We would schedule to call every week. With date and time. He is practicing English while I’m practicing Japanese. We talked, exchanged pictures, talked, sang lullabies, talk and talk and talk. We were talking to each other so much that we’re now talking on Whatsapp (yes, I have his Japan cellphone number..but only for that app :ehehe: ). Talking to him is my marijuana.
Oh, he did get especially busy after he transferred to another department. There were some period where he was quite for almost 2 weeks. So I told him straight that I enjoy his company and that I want to talk to him. So then he apologised, explaining he was busy with work and then he makes time, asking if this day and this time is okay or not.
So, I can relate with this post, about how Japanese guys tend to not have time for relationships, be it friendship as well.
We’ve been contacting each other for more than 6 months. We do have plans to visit and meet up with each other in the future. Him coming here, and me going there.
My imaginative side thinks that one day, I’ll move to Japan and get married to this guy!!
But my logical side says that I need to be realistic, as there are a lot of obstacles, especially our difference in religion (it’s a heavy topic so I don’t want to get into that)
Both my imaginative and logical side want to be right. It can be a storm in my head..! He is only a friend!!!
Why am I sure he thinks of me only as a friend? Well he mentioned that a 3-4 times. “As a friend” or “友達として”. So there. I was thrown off by that statement of his, feeling like he rejected before I even confessed that I like him.
Despite all that, I still value our friendship. Though sometimes I feel like wanting more, currently I really like where we are. Close friends. :D
Hello wafuwa! ^____^
I’m so happy to hear that you enjoyed this post and thanks so much for taking the time to comment and to share your story with all of us. :D
If you enjoy being able to contact him regularly, then what’s wrong with staying good friends? :)
I know you want probably more, but at the moment that’s not possible anyways. I’d say meet up first and see if you get along when you see each other face-to-face. It’s probably also a bit easier to “read him” then.
As this is so out of context for those of us who read your story, I guess nobody really knows what this “as a friend” could possibly mean. I wouldn’t think too much about it and just keep in contact with him regularly.
And yes, it’s true that Japanese men can be very, VERY busy at work. :/ ……
I wish you all the best and hope you get to meet each other soon! ^_____^
Hello!
All the stories included in this entry are very interesting. Somehow, I was able to understand some aspects of the Japanese courtship culture. I’ve been interested with the Japanese culture and it’s nice to hear about this from my fellow gaijins.
I’m looking for someone who had the same experience as me because right now, I’m just very confused.
I really like this Japanese guy I met when I went to Japan. I only stayed there for a week so our communication was carried over Skype, Facebook and Line. At first, we agreed that we would be teachers to each other – I would teach him English and he would teach me Japanese. So every time we talked, which was in English most of the time (he’s already good in English to begin with), he would interject some Japanese words and ask how I was doing with my Nihongo. We talked at Facebook first until he got to ask my Skype username and we started having audio chats almost weekly. If he’s not available for Skype, we would chat in Line. A friend would sometimes join us (at Skype) but later on, it was only the two of us. We would talk about random stuff (usually topics I initiated). He also told me that he didn’t like girls confessing to him because he felt depressed. Thanks to his early warning, I got hold of my tongue. Reading that Japanese men tend to be shy, I really want to confess but I’m taken aback by what he said about girls confessing to him.
I asked my other friends if he was still talking to them and they all said that it was just me he was still keeping in touch. I’m just confused if he’s interested in me or not. :<
Anyway, sorry for suddenly sharing my story. Keep posting amazing Japanese-related posts! :D
Sunako, no need to apologize at all.
I’m sure a lot of people (including me) appreciate that you found the courage to share your story here in public, asking for advice.
I’ll be honest. I don’t know what I would do.
Probably I would just choose topics for your “English lessons / conversations” that allow you to ask questions about relationships and stuff in general.
Maybe this way you could find out a bit more (how he feels about relationships in general, if he’s interested in dating someone who’s not Japanese).
I know that’s really tough and I’m not sure if I’d be able to do it, but what else is there you could do?
Just risk it and confess to him? :/ …
I really don’t know, but I wish you all the best and I hope you keep us all updated on how things are going on with you two. :D
I remember we talked about his past relationships before and about my nonexistent love life (I’ve never had a boyfriend in my entire life haha) because I asked him if he was also practicing the “sekkusu shinai shokogun (which, to my delight, he isn’t doing).” The other friend we used to invite before also asked me who was my crush (which I answered with another person :<) with him still around. After that, we never talked about love and relationships again. Should I regret that I said someone else? Sometimes, I'm tempted to confess, especially if there's dead air between us. But I'm just too scared of his possible reaction. :(
My friends told me that I should just wait for him to come to our country (because he might visit next year) and maybe it would be the right time for me to do the kokuhaku. :< I don't know. :(
Thank you very much for responding! I really appreciate your concern! If ever a progress between us will occur, I'll keep you posted! I actually thought that my story was not as interesting as those posted in the entry. Haha! :)
I recently got into a relationship with a Japanese guy, and I wasn’t aware at how shy they were! After he confessed to me, he started to text me less. So, I thought he regretted his decision at some point…but after I had a talk with him about it, he started to open up and share things with me! Well, we are in LDR, so I want to feel included in his life and know that he thinks of me. So now, we talk almost everyday, unless one of us is busy with our jobs. Ah, my boyfriend is a freeter now, so he hasn’t put his job first…I wonder what that’ll be like…
I also met my boyfriend at an English school in my country. He came to my country to study English, and I was a teacher there! But he wasn’t my student, so mind you. And he’s older than me. So. We started going out after I left. It’s crazy, because we decided to enter into a relationship knowing that we’ll be apart!
Hi anonymous! :)
Thanks a lot for sharing your story with us. LDR are always difficult, but I hope you two can work it out somehow. Good luck! :D
just wanna say thank you for this article! Now i know what to expect when it comes to dating japanese men. My first (and hopefully last) love of my life is japanese and i think most of what was mentioned by the ones interviewed are quite true. I think my partner is not the shy type though haha He was the first one who confessed to me and it was months after that I told him directly that I like him since I was still having second thoughts in dating foreign men, especially for my first relationship. But now I am not regretting anything. It’s true that they’re always busy since there would be time that we don’t communicate for weeks because he’s busy with graduate school. I let him be since i know from the start that it is to be expected from Japanese men. I am just glad he’s doing his best to make it up to me. And yes, no no to PDA! haha but he is willing to hold hands in public.
Aww, glad you found someone so sweet who’s even willing to hold hands in public.
Good luck to you two, mochi! ^___^
This blogpost is really helpful for people who are interested in Japanese men! Thank you for the personal accounts, they’re really inspiring!
I’m actually interested in a Japanese guy I met while on a short university exchange. We communicate on LINE almost every day and I get the feeling that he likes me more than a friend. He would usually comment that I’m an able person, etc and give me encouragement on various issues, and also that he enjoys talking to me. Once, I asked him what type of girls he likes and he replied me that he prefers smart girls he enjoy talking with (I don’t know if this has any clues to how he feels). When I told him that I want to work in Japan and hopefully be able to live there permanently, he replied that marrying a Japanese man is one way for me to live in Japan permanently, and asked how I find Japanese men. He also gave me a link to famous “handsome” Japanese actors and asked who do I find cool and who is my favourite. Lol.
I know that he’s always busy with studying for the entrance exams for a graduate school he really wants to attend so sometimes he would take some time to continue our conversation. Nevertheless, he’s always very friendly in his replies. Recently, he was telling me that talking to me is enjoyable, and following this, he sent me this message: “Do you have a man you like or love?? Are you doing anything to advance that relationship?? Positiveness is important! haha”.
Having a strong feeling that he likes me (and from reading many online answers to what does it mean when a guy asks who you likes ><), I thought he liked me too, so I thought, why not reply that I like him to his question. And I asked him, do you have any girl that you like? That night he replied me: "I was surprised to hear that but I'm glad ^^ Recently I have been nervous due to the exams so I don't have any girl I like now."
I'm a little disappointed and curious, why did he ask me who I like and then gave me a negative reply? (I'm pretty sure he has interest in me…) Is it because most Japanese guys are shy and if they don't confess easily to a foreign (Asian) girl because he's afraid that it will be a complicated situation?
Please tell me how you think he feels! I really like him and hope that he's just shy and would like to focus on his exams for now before anything. Thanks everyone for reading this long post!
Hello Mi-ya! :)
There’s no way for us to really figure out what he’s thinking or feeling.
Maybe he’s just asking you, because he’s interested in what kind of things / people foreigners like. It might just be a way of cultural exchange.
He might not want to have anyone by his side as he’s so super busy. So maybe he’s not looking for someone at the moment.
It’s really difficult to tell – and even more for us.
Maybe just wait and see until he becomes less busy. One the exams are over he should be less busy until he finally starts working full-time.
I wish you all the best!
If possible, keep us updated. :D
Thank you. ^__^
I think that the observation that it is more difficult for western women to date in Japan has some validity. But it depends. On location( big city versus more rural), language ability, cultural/ethnic preferences and very importantly, looks. Yes, indeed, it depends very much on a woman’s degree in hotness. Shallow? Chauvanistic? Regrettable? Unattractive? Could be. But men are highly visual creatures and a well turned leg or sultry look have since time immemorial, inspired poetry and lust. Well, this has a lot to do with the propagation of the species. You see, men are quite simple creatures and their role in reproduction while important( it takes two to tango), requires much less reproductive investment. Thus, men can essentially parallel their reproductive capacities whereas women, poor creatures, can only do so serially. And they are bound by their night of passion. Gestation is 9 months and the woman’s filial bond is of unparalleled strength. Instinctively, a woman carries the responsibility for her child. It is always better to have the help of a man but if absent, she is bound( there are exceptions of course) to her child.
Men? They are apt to want to mate as many times as they can and with different partners. Attraction is usually quite shallow and no more complicated than a full bosom, bountiful derrière and lissome legs. Of course, the trick to reigning in the male species is to have more than just looks in order to keep him around at least until progeny have reached reproductive age.
Since women by nature and fiat of evolution invest more in reproduction, their evaluative criteria are much more complicated and accordingly, much less shallow as a general principle. Looks are a check off item because health and strength are required not only to pass on healthy genes but also to nurture and protect the family unit until the children reach sexual maturity. But many other factors come into play including status in the social hierarchy(roots in the animal kingdom and “alpha” male), assets, skills, relationships, mental and physical strength, etc. Thus, women are more flexible in trading off looks if other equally if not more important criteria are found in the male partner. In fact, non-pretty boys may be preferred due to their battle scars and ability to survive and prosper. Clean pretty boys may indeed have much less survival value as they are at least untested in the jungle of life. Just think how a man’s physical attractiveness is somewhat enhanced by a well placed scar or even eye patch. Dashing and roguish. Relatively less attractive face but a killer bod? Yep, that’s hot.
In the animal kingdom, though, it is not always the female who is the beauty. However, evolution has decreed in the case of humans that the female is the alluring beauty–the peacock and the reproductive prize. And humans are pretty much hard-wired to recognize attractiveness which transcends race, ethnic background and cultural persuasions.
So, even in Japan, if you are a hot female and approachable(that is that you don’t give off superior or rejective vibes), you are dateable. Perhaps not as much as in your home country given the shyness of Japanese males and the charms of equally hot and demure Japanese females and not to mention the relatively fewer attractive western males.
However, in my experience, there are relatively few hot western women around. Yes, you can find a lot of models and hostesses and the few odd executives or teachers. But competition is pretty stiff and a lot of them are either unapproachable or not available in locations facilitating meeting them. Like, for example, so called gaijin watering holes. I have dated a number of hostesses who were stunning and they were never starved for male companionship. Indeed, you might say, due to their profession, they come into constant contact with men. But that would be a facade. Most of the men frequenting these establishments are old, ugly and married. The younger males cannot afford to go to these clubs as a general rule. A lot of the western hostesses are skilled at playing the game and a minority would even think of getting into a dead end relationship with these patrons. Many of the hostesses especially in higher end establishments can make a much better compensation than they could as teachers or OLs. But these women have romantic aspirations as well. They desire love and the attention of attractive males just like anyone else. And they are able to do so. Why? Because of their hotness. A smile and an approachable manner is all they need to attract male attention both Japanese and western. They make themselves alluring and know what attracts the attractive man. Not the gaudy dresses and platform high heels they may wear at a club but stylish and subtly sexy attire. Some of these women are paying their way through university and have many varied reasons for such employment. They are not all venal sluts asking “show me the money” as they are taught to do in their jobs. If they can find agreeable male companionship in Japan among all stripes of males, why not other western women? Could be that a lot of complainers just ain’t that hot and would not attract that much attention in their home countries except by males at their level of attractiveness.
Some western women complain and are even annoyed that men who they believe are normal or even below average in looks chase after Japanese women rather than approach them and are arrogant if and when they do. The hated Charisma Men! Is it because they may be jealous, frustrated and……………….not hot? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
I suppose with “some Western women complain …” you mean me as well? ;)
I’ve never really thought about this very much, but I don’t think it’s jealousy – at least not for me.
Do I complain about it? Not really.
Am I annoyed? Yes.
Why? Because it’s boring and … well annoying to always experience the same pattern. Like we already discussed that might just be my very unusual personal experience, but every single Western man I’ve met who wasn’t a tourist had a Japanese girlfriend / wife. I’ve never ever worked with or met a single men.
And I’ve only twice met couples where both partners were foreign.
It’s just a bit sad to always have the same conversations:
“Hey, so you came to Japan a few months ago?”
“Yeah.”
“How do you like it so far?”
“Oh, it’s great! I explore so many things with my Japanese girlfriend, you know?”
“Oh, I see. Wow! Surprise!” *sigh*
It’s not like I’m jealous. It’s more like: WTH, is there a nest or something?
It was very interesting to read about your experience with hostesses. This is a part of Japan I have no idea about (other than from watching Japanese dramas). Very insightful, so thank you very much for taking the time and sharing it with all of us. :D
The reason why it’s such a controversial topic and why there are so many comments is because everyone’s experience IS different.
Thanks for this! I found the link via your comment on the Metropolis site. ^^
I really enjoyed your well-researched interviews with a variety of different couples. :)
My fiancé (Japanese) and I are planning on getting married this year, so I’m really interested to see what it’s like for other couples in similar situations. To compare notes, as it were. Even though all relationships are unique, there may be interesting differences/similarities to relate to.
Thanks for dropping by. Glad you enjoyed it and all the best to you two! :D
This was a really interesting and well put-together article. It’s always fun to hear from people about their relationships (regardless of what the “twist” is) – thanks for compiling all the stories!
You’re very welcome. Thanks for dropping by. ^___^
I liked this article very much, as a student learning Japanese in college I not only want to learn the language but also their culture (including people.) Funny thing is that I NEVER EVER dated, I’m 19 and I still haven’t had a boyfriend. I’m very sure the reason is my looks, here in America 98% of men look for a very thin girl with big boobs and I’m nowhere near their expectations. Even in college I’ve been called cute but never beautiful or sexy because I’m size 16 and don’t have D size boobs. Also I’m NOT ugly, I have a very pretty face (people keep telling me that when I ask if I should start using makeup, which they say no)and very nice and healthy hair (so I’ve been told by many hair stylists). Many wonder why I don’t date and I just tell them that there’s no one I like, even thought it’s the other way around. I will admit I do dream to date a Japanese, but if I can’t even land a date with an American who can’t even get pass my looks and see who I am and what I can offer what chance do I have of getting one in Japan? :rainy: :disappointed: :whyohwhy:
I really wonder why people constantly keep asking me about their chances. You could as well ask me how your chances are to win the lottery. I simply don’t know. Nobody would know.
You won’t know until you come here and try. But like the ladies in this post suggested you need to be VERY proactive here in Japan as a girl and that can be difficult if you’re shy like me.
It’s very unlikely that a Japanese guy will approach you …. and if there’s one, he might be one of the creepy sort, so be careful.
I don’t know aboubt America or what teenagers outside of Japan are up to recently, but I don’t find it weird that you haven’t dated at the age of 19. :D
Good luck to you and stop worrying so much! ^___^
Hello.
I’ve written here before, about how I’m in love with a Japanese guy who used to be in a band. I have a question but first I’ll explain some things. My friend who knows the Japanese guy (I’ll call him K) didn’t tell the whole truth about what K said about me- because a girl me and my friend used to be friends with, made her lie because she was afraid I might be hurt (at least that’s what she told my friend, but I didn’t really believe her). So anyways. My friend told K that I like him and all the nice things I’ve said about him and stuff. And he reacted with shock like, “A girl likes me? Really?! She’s not Japanese? How old is she?” and also blushed and said “I’m happy. really happy” (I guess because I’m a gaijin lol) and she told him what I was like, my interests and stuff and he said that I seemed interesting. After seeing my picture he simply said he likes more of a “kawaii style girl” (I assume he meant lolitas and gyarus). So my question is, should I try out lolita style? (like, I don’t want it to wear it everyday but still often). I’ve thought about trying it before and I really like the style, but would it seem weird (considering I might get to know K) when I haven’t ever worn that style before?
Maja, if that’s not the style you’re already into it, don’t change it for anyone!
That would be a “fake you”. If he can only like a “fake you”, would you be happy about that?
Of course I want him to like the “real” me, but the problem is, I really want to try lolita (not permanently though) and even though it’s not the style I currently have, I don’t even know if my current style is the one I like the most or which style I would feel most comfortable in. It’s hard, because I’m generally a bit confused about myself, who I really am and such… And it’s just really hard for me to let go of this guy, if you know what I mean. I think I’ll have to go after my gut feeling…
Listening to your guts is usually the best thing to do. :)
Good luck!
Heeey. Thank you sooo much for the advice. I’m going to meet a Japanese guy here in my country(Phil) tomorrow. I like him and I was so freaking nervous how to behave.
Hi, Elaine.
I hope your date(?) went well. :)
Hi. I just saw your reply notification at my spam.
:notamused: Our date was soooooo perfect, I thought (We dated two times. First, we talked for 2 hours while having lunch and then second we spent almost 11 hours each other). He was like a perfect guy.
But when he got back to Japan, I feel like he was fading. He is not communicative but not totally at all.
The first day he left my country he was still communicative like he messages me often. But time past..he changed. Sometimes we only exchanges *stickers* for a day. I felt insulted and bored at the same time, I could see him that he doesn’t care too much. Or maybe he lost his interest (or maybe not? because he never had interest in me).
I was once got sick and he messaged me just, “take medicine and have a good rest and then sticker”. So I replied him a thank you and I told him how my head ached but he just replied me a STICKER. I got pissed when he just replied me sticker so I didn’t reply. And he didn’t message me for two days. He just messaged me when he got his rest day(Saturday) and he asked me if I was feeling okay. It was a day before my birthday but he didn’t know. I still replied him though. We were supposed to have video chat on my birthday but since I was pissed, I told him that I can’t do video chat that day. I sent him a picture of me with cake. And he didn’t get it that it was my birthday. It was soooo frustrating. But still I told him, it was my birthday. And he replied, Happy Birthday and etc. Just to make my story short, I got bored and I felt unappreciated so I stopped replying his messages. But you see, it’s not my fault. He always messages me stickers or a short message or pictures.
So my opinion, he was just trying to be polite at me after all. So maybe, the sweet and thoughtful guy that I met and dated was just only a fake.
But still, I am happy that I met the kind of guy. And thanks God I didn’t fall so hard.
Or maybe I am still bitter? hahaha
Anyway, thank you for reading my comment. I’ll appreciate if you have opinion and comments on my story.
Sorry for bad English. I really suck at English.
:)
-Elaine
I think in long-distance relationships there’s always a lot of room for misunderstandings.
Maybe that’s what happened with you two as well.
But if you were frustrated all the time, maybe it’s better it ended. :/
Yeah. Maybe you are right. :)
Thank you for the reply. (Some blogger doesn’t care to reply. Haha!)
This was an interesting article to read, thank you! Indeed, the western male, japanese female is still way more prevalent than vice versa, and especially in my hime country i felt quite different for my choice to be with my japanese husband. However, we fit together very well in spite of our cultural differences.
We met during an exchange year in another country 10 years ago, and after that we had a long distance relationship for more than 3 years, we could finally live in the same city in the united states in 2008. We got married and had a child and after trying to live in my home country we decided to go live in japan as it is easier for him to have a good job here. I am studying japanese now and hope to find work after a year of studying.
I dont find japan too hard to live in for a few years at least, but i dont know how i will think a few years after now… The hardest part is indeed the terrible overtime my husband has to work, its just really hard to understand for me how japanese people do this to themselves…
We dont have too many communication issues, he doesnt always listen to me too closely but i guess that is no different in most other relationships :) i just have to be pretty clear to him in what i want because he doesnt get hints. But because we have been together since 21 years old i think we have grown up together and got used to each others ways.
Either way, i think relationships between foreign girls and japanese guys can definitely work out fine, but its always important to seperate the frogs from the princes, no different from a relationship between anyone else.
That’s such a lovely story. Thanks for sharing it with us, Anna. :)
I think nationality shouldn’t matter. If you fit together well, then that’s all that should matter.
All the best to you two! ^___^