After publishing the article “The Truth About Dating In Japan As A Foreigner” a lot of female readers asked me what it’s like to date a Japanese guy.
Many seemed to be interested in cultural differences and resulting problems in the relationship between a foreign woman and a Japanese man.
Although I’ve been in Japan for 6 years now, I totally lack that kind of experience. 
Instead I asked friends and fellow bloggers, who have had Japanese boyfriends or are even married to a Japanese man, to share their personal experience with us.
It was an interesting journey and I want to thank all of the participants for taking the time to tell us about their own unique story. .gif)
Name: Zia
Nationality: Puerto Rican
Age: 24
First, let’s hear what Zia has to say. She’ been in Japan for many years and had to go through a lot during her time here already:
“I moved to Japan when I was 18 and have been dating Asian guys ever since. I’ve never dated Western guys, though. I often hear girls who long for Asian boyfriends say that Western guys are dogs, and I can confidently say that Asian men are no different. Just like with any place you go, you have your good guys and your bad guys.”
Zia, I think we can all agree with that! .gif)
“During my first couple of years here, I encountered a lot of guys whose interest in me came purely from the fact that I was foreign. They wanted to know all about Puerto Rico and always brought up the fact that one day, I’d return to my own country.”
I wonder if that’s generally one thing that might prevent Japanese men from dating a Western girl. They’re afraid that one day she might leave Japan again? Hm.
“Now that I’m older, I still come across a lot of men who seem interested in dating a foreigner for language reasons. These are the types of guys I feel we foreign girls encounter most. Amongst them, the good guys are hidden!”
I think that’s generally a big problem – not only when trying to find an “honest” relationship, but also true friends. I’ve heard from many people that they were just “used” as an opportunity to get free English lessons (or whatever their native language was). I bet it’s difficult to filter the ones who are truly interested.
Not only that, but also stereotypes seem to be an issue:
“There are a lot of stereotypes and some girls use them for their own personal gain. Those that stand true to who they are seem to be the ones who find solid relationships. In my case, for instance, men are quick to bring up the topic of bikinis and love hotels the minute I mention I’m Latina. They expect me to put out whenever we’d go out. For a long while, after the loss of someone I planned on spending my entire life with, I gave in to that stereotype and was unable to get involved in a serious relationship.”
Zia is pointing out a few problems in her current relationship due to cultural differences:
“Now, I’m in a happy relationship with an older man who doesn’t speak a lick of English or Spanish, which is my main language. We come across a lot of problems. For one, I’m very passionate in my way of moving and speaking, and I sometimes forget to respect personal space. I’m not at all intimidated by physical contact. He’s the opposite. What we consider common sense is very different.”
Name: Jen
Nationality: British
Age: 27
Jen has dated a couple of Japanese guys and is now married to one. She has experienced issues in her relationship because of cultural differences:
“When I first started dating my husband he was embarrassed to hold hands with me in public. This applied more in Japan than when we were in England, although now he seems completely okay with it. In general, Japanese men are likely to be embarrassed about showing affection in public – even things like putting an arm around someone’s shoulders, or hugging, never mind kissing. Very touchy feely Japanese couples are definitely NOT the norm.”
As another big problem Jen states:
“Long working hours and overtime are common here in Japan. My first Japanese boyfriend would go for weeks without contacting me because he was working late every day. Also, a general lack of e-mailing, phone calls etc. seems to be normal. Although I don’t think that this just applies to Japanese men!”
In the previous article we were already discussing the language issue that cross-cultural couples might have. Jen says:
“If you can both speak the other person’s language, there are probably going to be disagreements about what language to speak. My husband and I have a system where we swap languages every day – so today is an English day, and tomorrow is Japanese. At first, we went through periods where we would only speak English (which I didn’t like) or when we would only speak Japanese (which he didn’t like). Obviously we change it according to the circumstances (we are not going to speak in English to each other when out with a lot of Japanese friends!), but this system really works for us. I think this is an important thing to sort out!”
Jen and her husband on vacation in Korea.
Jen’s advice for overcoming or dealing with cultural differences is:
“I think in general, it’s important to be very open about what you are expecting from the relationship. If you need a lot of hugs and affection, make sure that he knows and don’t just get annoyed that he’s not automatically doing it. As long as you’re both honest and open about things, and actually communicate properly with each other, it should be okay!”
If you are single like me, you probably wonder about how to approach a Japanese man. Jen suggests:
“Even if you are shy, if you like someone you should be proactive about it. There is a good chance that he will like you too, and just not have imagined that you could possibly be interested in him. A lot of Japanese men seem to have an inferiority complex (many of my Japanese male friends have told me this), so they might not imagine that any non-Japanese woman would ever be interested in them. So if you like someone, go for it!”
Name: River
Nationality: American (USA)
Age: late 20s
River is a young American who has dated a few Japanese guys before marrying one of them. About her first Japanese boyfriend she says:
“He was just a gaijin-hunter, so that didn’t go to well. He wouldn’t learn any English and it was really frustrating to communicate only in Japanese. At first I was happy about this, because I wanted to speak Japanese. However, the deeper things went, the more difficult it was to understand each other. Even when we broke up it was long and drawn out and he wanted to ‘stay friends’ which I’ve heard is what most Japanese guys like to do. Even after we’d been broken up for a few months he’d still write to me and ask what I was doing and how I was …”
After dating a few Japanese guys she finally met her husband. They seem to have issues caused by cultural differences, but they were able to overcome some of them:
When I started dating my husband, I didn’t really feel that we had any cultural barriers. I guess because by then I’d been in Japan long enough that I knew my way around and I had lived with two Japanese host families, so I have a good sense of Japanese manners and customs. We only spoke in Japanese with each other for a short time before he started to learn English, so he could communicate with me better. We eventually stopped speaking Japanese and now I’m actually unable to speak Japanese in front of him (shy, embarrassed … I’m not sure). I actually forget that he’s Japanese and that he can speak Japanese.”
Although they’ve found a solution for some of the problems, River says:
After we got married we had some trouble with things like housework and money, but I’m not sure if that’s just him, a Japanese trait, or normal married life. He doesn’t expect me to cook Japanese food and he doesn’t measure me by my miso soup making skills (I’ve gotten told by MANY people that my husband will basically judge me on my miso soup). We do have a lot of trouble communicating when we fight and again I’m not sure if it’s a language issue, culture, or just us …”
I found the following statement interesting, because I heard a lot of Western girls with Japanese boyfriends or husbands saying the exact same thing:
“My husband isn’t a typical Japanese guy.”
River adds:
“I actually have a big problem with people prefacing their relationships with their significant other’s ethnicity. I never call my husband my ‘Japanese husband’. And I hate it when people act like I won a prize or ‘got’ something special because he’s Japanese. He’s just … him.”
Name: Alyse
Nationality: American (USA)
Age: 25
Alyse, a young American woman married to a Japanese man, notices the following cultural differences that sometimes cause problems in her relationship:
“Every guy I’ve ever been in a relationship with has been different from the last, but I suppose dating a Japanese guy has the added spice of major cultural differences, as opposed to just differences in hobbies or upbringing. And from these differences, the biggest one would be language. No matter how fluent each of us becomes in our second language, something is always lost in translation, and that can quickly escalate into a huge argument until we don’t even remember what we started arguing about in the first place. But there’s nothing we can really do other than keep studying and keep trying. So for that part, a significant amount of patience might be necessary.”
The language barrier seems to be a real issue even when you try hard to understand each other. However, Alyse mentions other problems as well:
“Another difference I noticed has to do with taking care of the household. It took a bit of adjusting (especially on my husband’s side). We knew that we would both be working, but when we first got married, Shota was under the impression that I would be making him lunch every morning, doing his laundry, and just taking care of the house as well as going to work full-time. It’s taken all 3 years of being married and countless long-winded explanations/rants in English and Japanese on my part, but most of the chores are split down the middle now.”
Just like River, Alyse also notices cultural differences when it comes to responsibilities in the household. Her advice is:
“I think when it comes to international relationships, especially with women from countries where men and women are viewed as mostly equals, it takes a lot of time and effort by both for it to work, and if both aren’t ready to concede or make compromises, the relationship won’t last for long.”
Alyse also mentioned another potential issue that nobody else brought up thus far:
“Something I’ve heard is that their mothers can be quite a problem, and this isn’t just for non-Japanese women, but just for the wives of Japanese men in general. The relationship between the mother-in-law and wife can be tenuous at best, and disastrous at its worse. And if you’re dating/marrying the eldest son of the family, you might be expected to move in with his family to take care of his parents as they age. This trend has started to drop off a bit in this generation, but it’s just one of the many things you should think about in a serious relationship!”
I also asked Alyse if she has any advice for us single girls when it comes to dating Japanese men:
“Landing a Japanese guy is EASY. Landing a guy who is serious about dating you, and understanding when he is serious, might be a bit harder to do. I didn’t start officially dating Shota until I confessed to him. If they reply positively, then you’re basically a couple, and if not, then it’s probably not going to work. But no matter how many dates you go on, you’re probably not a couple until you confess to him. At least, that’s how I’ve come to understand it. Every person/couple is different, so I suppose the biggest thing is to be open to whatever comes and not to make judgments or assumptions beforehand.”
Name: Claudia
Nationality: German
Age: 23
Claudia is a fellow German woman, but unlike me she met a Japanese guy in her younger days and got married already:
“My husband and I met when I was 19 and living in Tokyo on a Working Holiday Visa. I had not dated terribly much before. There had been two relationships that lasted for a while – with a Japanese guy and with a Korean guy.
We met through friends of friends. At the first meeting we exchanged mail addresses, met up a few times after that and at some point it just happened. Then, I had to leave the country (simple reason: my visa expired), we were in a long-distance-relationship for almost two years and got married as soon as he graduated university.”
Claudia says that her husband actually never wanted to marry a Japanese woman and here’s why:
“According to him, Japanese women are annoying, because they rather keep their emotions inside. Thus, little annoyances turn into huge problems. He also says that, as soon as Japanese women have babies, they turn into mothers, with not hint of the awesome wife you had before, destroying romance and attraction. I’m not entirely sure where he got these ideas from, but they’re his reasons.”
Claudia mentions issues, but also continuous efforts in her relationship that are necessary because of cultural differences:
“When we met he only spoke Japanese, but right now he is making an effort to learn English (we gave up on German, he promised he’ll start learning as soon as we have children). As most Japanese people, he is hugely interested in food and works too much. 120 hours of overtime should not be normal for anyone.”
According to Claudia the biggest difference between dating a Western man and dating a Japanese one is:
“Showing physical affection outside of the house: When we started dating, he wouldn’t even hold my hand when we were outside. Fortunately he has gotten used to it, but he will not hold my hand in front of his parents unless I initiate it. Kissing is still extremely embarrassing for him, and so the physical part of the relationship happens at home. At first, this sudden change in affection as soon as the door closed behind us was weird, but now I actually like it. It’s like there’s a side of my husband only I know.”
Another difference she has found between Japanese and German (Western) men is the following:
“He is willing to spend a lot more money on food and travel than I’d expect a German to. To him it’s normal that good things cost money and he’d rather have a stellar experience (paid for with his overtime pay) than a cheap, but unsatisfying one. He also doesn’t complain about my spending, as long as I can afford it.”
Claudia doesn’t mention any problems with her mother-in-law. On the contrary, she had less problems with her husband’s family than she thought she would have:
“His parents luckily were excited about the prospect of gaining a German daughter-in-law. I’m not sure most Japanese parents would be that happy, but my father-in-law used to go abroad for work several times a year, and a relative has been living in Canada for basically forever, so they’re open towards foreign cultures. Oh, and Germany has a ridiculously good reputation in Japan. I had a chance to meet a big part of the family and the only one who had any ‘problems’ was my husband’s grandmother, who even after meeting me several times still doesn’t believe that I actually speak Japanese. I’m not going to complain though, she’s in her 80s.”
Claudia doesn’t seem to have to fight with her husband about doing the chores:
“Different from some other Japanese men, my husband doesn’t complain about my housewife skills. At least not a lot. He does not expect me to keep the house extremely clean or to cook every day. Not only does my husband not make a fuss, he actually helps with the household when he has the time.”
When asked for advice on how to go about finding a Japanese boyfriend, Claudia’s response was:
“Know people who have access to tons of Japanese people. Ask to meet their friends. Be yourself, but keep in mind that Japanese culture is different from your own culture. Respect that, as far as you can without being untrue to yourself. Speaking Japanese also helps a big deal, especially as you will probably deal with the family of your boyfriend or spouse at some point.”
Name: Vivian
Nationality: Canadian
Age: 30
Last, but not least Vivian, a Canadian in her 30s, has a very positive opinion about cultural differences in a relationship:
“There’s always interesting cultural differences that pop up in the course of the relationship – some are exciting, while others can be more difficult to deal with, but I think it’s the same as any relationship, regardless of the culture. There’s always things you learn about the other person. Being in Japan, I think that dating a Japanese man can open up a whole new world, seeing Japan from a Japanese perspective, and you can learn a lot about the country and culture.”
As for finding a Japanese boyfriend, she suggests:
“I think men are men – everywhere in the world. Of course there are some specific cultural traits that differ, but overall, I’d say finding a Japanese boyfriend is the same as finding any boyfriend. Japanese men might seem shy at first, but ultimately they want the same thing.
If you can’t speak much Japanese, it’s probably best to go for a Japanese man who has lived abroad and can speak fluent English. If you can speak Japanese, you have better chances to meet them as it’s easier to have a conversation and flirt when you share a language. My advice is to take things slow, but if you like a Japanese guy don’t be shy to ask him out as he might be too intimidated to do so.”
Vivian has an interesting advice for anybody who wants to date a Japanese man that nobody else mentioned so far:
“This may not please everyone, but I suggest to take good care of your physical appearance. For example, most Japanese women are meticulous about their appearance, and while you don’t need to look like a walking doll, basic things like nice clothes, healthy body, skin and hair really make a difference. I believe you should never change your personality to please a man! I’m sure some Japanese men think most foreign girls are too loud and extroverted, but if that’s how you are then you should find someone who will embrace it.”
Dating Japanese Men – Conclusion
I think we all gained very interesting insights thanks to these young women who were willing to share their unique stories and experiences with us.
While there’s no doubt that each relationship is different, a few things were mentioned again and again. I guess it’s safe to say that you should keep those in mind if you are thinking about dating Japanese men:
- Japanese men are often very shy, so you should be proactive
- There might be no physical contact in front of others ( in Japan)
- There might be fights over household responsibilities
- Even if you speak each other’s mother tongue there might be communication issues
- Overtime and long working hours could become a problem in a relationship
- Be open-minded and ready to compromise
I know there are a lot of young women out there who are either interested in dating Japanese men or who are already in a relationship. This post could only display the experience of a handful of people. If you have your own unique story, questions or comments, don’t be shy and speak up! Of course, guys are welcome to share their opinion and experience as well!
I’m looking forward to hearing from you! .gif)
I stumbled on this from Ken’s blog and must say this was a very interesting read! It reminded me how lucky I am for the things that make my Japanese boyfriend very foreign (he loves PDA, he’s loud and direct, he works freelance). It was lovely to read everyone’s stories!
Hey there and thanks for dropping by from Ken’s blog. ^____^
Sounds like your boyfriend is quite different from the “standard” Japanese male. Lucky you! ;)
Im currently 19 dating a 23yr old Japanese guy. Around 2 weeks after we met in Tokyo I actually moved to Hokkaido where our interests in other other really evolved. Any spare moment we had we would talk to each other on line and 2-3 times each week he would call me. I ended up going to tokyo for a week when i had some time off work. We saw each other everyday and he confessed to me after a fun day at Disney Land. A couple of days later i had to go back to Hokkaido and we didn’t see each other for 2 months.
He actually came to Hokkaido to accompany me back to Tokyo once i finished my contract. Our relationship became so natural. Knowing the Japanese culture i didn’t hold his hand or kiss him in public. He actually was the one who began showing affection to me in public. If theres a day I don’t hold his hand he always asks am I ok? or is something wrong? He also with out doubt massages my shoulders on the escalators in the mall.
My visa expires soon unless I can get a sponsor, this worries him a lot. He really wants a future with me even though he speaks no english. He wants to live together once he finishes university. I consider him different to any other guy I’ve dating. He shows he cares and really has the heart that you hear Japanese people have. He doesn’t care that I’m not too slim or when i make mistakes in japanese. Its obviously not like this for everyone, but once you’ve found the right guy, Japanese are really wonderful.
Tinkerbell, that’s such a lovely story.
Thanks for sharing it with us! ^___^
I hope you’ll find a way to stay together. Visa issues can be super annoying.
Good luck to you! :D
Hi, I liked your blog a lot, thank you.
I am totally agree with the article about how difficult the dating with Japanese men is although I am a Japanese woman grow up in Japan. I think I am in the same situation as yours.
I spent 2years in France when I was 20, and it made me “different”. After dating several French men and some guys from the other country there, I felt like it’s much easier to have relationship with Japanese men because of lauguage barrier, cultural difference, etc. But after coming back to Japan, I found a difficulty in dating with them. According to my Japanese friends including guys, I am now not typical Japanese girl, and Japanese guys don’t think I have interest in them! This surprised me a lot, I am a typical Japanese girl from the outside, with black long hair, tiny eyes with make-up, small statue, etc. And I think 2 years experience in France didn’t change myself a lot. So, in my opinion, Japanese men, I wonder why, have huge complex with Western men, and they are afraid of being compared with them. That’s why they are intimidated to date with women who probably have some experience with Western men. And even if they have relationship with Western women, they are especially trying to keep typical Japanese customs like not showing phisical affection in public, or house-hold thing, etc.
About myself, I had 2 relationships after coming back to Japan, but one of them was a Japanese who grow up in UK, and another was a French guy. I am not gaijin-hunter as I already mentioned, but I thought I had no choice.
All I want to tell you is this happy article is showing hope not only for Western/foreign women but also for Japanese women who has same feeling as yours. And it reminds me that we can’t all put together by nationality. Thank you again for your post.
Monica, thank you so much for your comment.
This is so interesting and I’m sure a lot of foreign women living in Japan appreciate that you decided to share your story with us.
I never thought about it, but I think you could be right. Maybe some Japanese men are just afraid of being compared to foreign men?
I never imagined that a Japanese woman who used to live abroad could struggle finding a Japanese man back in Japan, but now that you’ve mentioned it I had a few co-workers like that and I wonder if they had similar problems. They all were Japanese women who used to live abroad for several years, dating foreign guys there and when they came back they didn’t date any Japanese guys for years. And I don’t know why. Maybe they didn’t want to … or maybe they had indeed similar problems to yours. :/
That`s a very good article.
Sums up the basics of a foreign woman/Japanese man relationship pretty well.
Plus it`s interesting to see that there are also differences between nationality`s and ethnics.
I was a bit surprised that as a German woman I relate the most with Claudia which is also a German. It read a bit like we have the same husband XD
Haha, that’s cute, Ago, but I hope you don’t have the exact same husband!!! (O__O”) … Just kidding. ;)
Thank you for this article. It was really interesting to read. :)
I was wondering if I can tell my story here.
Well it’s unfortunately not yet (?) a happy story – so any advice is very welcomed!
I did home stay for one month and met there this guy I quickly fell in love with.
He was very interested in my culture (as are his parents) and my hobbies. Luckily we mostly enjoy the same things. I just felt very comfortable in his company – we had several trips mostly with the entire family but we also had some time alone (watching TV/movie). He also complimented me for a new hairstyle saying subarashii. At first I didn’t thought big about it but now I treasure every moment we shared. Sadly nothing big happened but it was a really great time nevertheless.
What is really a big problem is that he had to go to university again to a far away prefecture so I asked him if it is possible to exchange messages. The issue now is that we rarely exchange messages and he never takes the initiative. Every time I ask when it is ok to write he always answers every time is good. I don’t want to lose contact to him not just because I love him so much but also because I actually get along very well with his family especially with his mother.
It’s a really complicated situation so how do I behave best?
Hello Cookie,
Any news yet? I really hope you get to spend more time together again.
Just my 2 yen, but I often have the impression that Japanese men tend to put their career before relationship more often than not. Maybe he just wants to focus on his university stuff for now? :( …
Thank you for your reply! I really appreciated it! ^_^
I just wanted to give an update and tell about my current situation.
Unfortunately I don’t have contact to my guy for 2 months now. I feel that I’ve lost him..it hurts so much..The last time we saw each other was in March for a short drop by and we just greeted each other. That time it didn’t bother me that much because I decided to forget him since it seemed hopeless. On the other hand the relation to his parents and his sister got better and better and they are like a real family to me now. So although it sometimes pains me to be together with my “Japanese family” – because everything reminds me of him and I’m always reminded by his parents for example his father when he talks to me about him or shows me pictures of him – I can not be without them!
Since those two months I had contact to many Japanese guys – only friendship – so I didn’t thought about him that much. My colleagues at work also told me with my looks I can choose between guys and I’m really lucky. I don’t think so though!
On the other side since I’ve spent more and more time with his family, and the fact that I can not forget him no matter what, the urge to contact him again has gotten stronger. However I forbid myself to do this because he will hurt me again and I fear that he will not reply to my message anymore.
Also you may be right that he has so much to do for university – at the moment he is on the search for a job – so I just pushed him to much? I just want to have a normal relationship with him again.. Is it really hopeless now??
Glad to hear back from you although not on a very happy note it seems.
I truly wish that you can sort things out and that you either find a way to get back together with him or that you’ll be able to make a clear cut and find a new love! ^___^
(Though I understand that the “clear cut” thing is difficult considering your “Japanese family” and all. :( ..)
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Hello! I am living in Japan temporarily and will return home soon, but if things go according to plan, I’ll return to Japan in a few months!
Here’s the story: I met a small-time band man in Japan. I was already a fan of the band, but only had a minor interest in the guy, until I met him. He is much cuter in real life, his English is good, we’re almost the same age (young), and he’s very kind. He is always so happy and almost giddy when he sees me, and we talk for quite a while when we meet at the lives. I’ve fallen for him, but I’m not sure if he shares these feelings or is just wanting to be friends. He always compliments me (“Don’t be nervous. You look nice. ” “I like your bag.” etc.). He even got so excited when I was wearing the same accessory that he had worn before. Once when we spoke, he was telling me US musicians he likes (I’m from the US), he got so excited when I talked about video games with him, and we always laugh together a little. He even asked me once if I thought he looked sexy in his new outfit he was nervous about. However, just before that time, I asked him if he likes icecream, and he said he did. I asked if we could go get ice cream together as a late birthday present for him. At first, he didn’t understand and was like “I have to stay here”, but after he understood, he just looked down and didn’t say anything. He’s still very friendly just like before, though. He’s really shy, of course, usually keeps his head down and his hair over his face. And he even just dyed his hair the same color as mine! I really want to try going out with him. We have common interests and we seem to click really well when we talk. I love seeing him as much as any other part of the live events. Should I ask him out or not? And if yes, should I go ahead and tell him now, or wait until I get back? I’m scared if I wait, he’ll find someone else, but I won’t know if I can return to Japan in the summer until early February. Any advice would be helpful, please and thank you! I’ll see him again this week!
It will be really hard for anyone to give you advice as we don’t know you two.
I guess if it were me, I’d just tell him. If he doesn’t feel the same way, at least you can stop worrying once you leave Japan.
Would be nice if you could keep us updated.
Good luck! ^__^
Hello.
Thank you for your post. It is very helpful and I found some very good advise.
I come from Viet Nam and now I work as an officer in Japan. I lived here since last year`s December. My major in university is Japanese Language Department so I can speak Japanese fluent. I am dating with a Japanese guy now and last week of Friday was our 5 months anniversary. Through this time we have never fight or something like that. But its not a problem that i want to talk about.
I am always feel lonely whenever I am being with him. He seemed like not care about my feeling I think that`s why I am feel lonely.
English bring us together. I think so. Because he want to learn English and want to make friend with a foreigner so his friend (She and me joined the same badminton club) introduced me to him. At first we stay as friend and he ask me about learning English sometime. He begin to email to me everyday in English, of course. For me, that moment its alright because we are friend so even though my English is not good enough but I said that I will help him as I can. Time passed, we found that we have the same hobby. He like taking photos and me, too. So we go out sometime and took photo together.
After 3 months we begin in relationship.I also like him because he is really a nice and kindness guy so after one week I said accpeted,
I know that his personality is shy so for me its not a big problem. But the problem is he talk too much about English. Whenever we go out he always want to speak in English. For the first time I think its alright but recently I am really sad. He make me feel that without English our relationship has nothing. I know that he interested in English and how much he want to improves his English skill to career up and it will be very helpful for his future. His company has a branch in German. So maybe if he good at English he can go their to work. Once, he ask me after 5 years do i want to go with him if he has go to German to work. I said I will support him and of course I will go with him.
But I also wonder that he really love me or not. So i decided to ask him.
– If I cant speak English, do you love me?
And he said that: I think you are really cute girl at the first time when I met you.
And the next day he met me, then he ask me: Did you sad? Sorry for make you sad.
I said yes, i am alright now.
But in the next day till now he talk about learning English every day and every time we talk or mess or met each other. Almost the time we spend together the topic is English or we used English to speaking. My language is not English so I feel sad because he seemed like not care about my country and the most important things is my feeling.
I introduced him some friends who come from America. Because I think the good ways that he want to improve his English skill is talking with the native person. So he can speak with them sometime. But he said that he want to practice English with me because he love me.
I am very glad to hear that but i don`t know why that I cant belive in his worlds. If he really love me I think he will care about my feeling more and does not make me feel lonely whenever we are being together.
Or maybe I am thinking too much.
Sometime I think that he date with me just because he want to study English, but if he want to study English he can find a Western friend.
I am really sad. Could everybody give me some advise, please???
Hello. :)
Well, let me ask you something first. Can you speak Japanese well enough to have conversations with him?
Or can he speak your mother tongue well enough?
If not, then it’s no wonder that you always communicate in English. I guess that’s just the easiest way for both of you then.
If that’s not the case, I’m sorry. Just wanted to make sure.
And I think if he really wanted to study English properly he would probably go for a native speaker of English, don’t you think? ;)
Interesting article! I think the same could be applied to younger Japanese guys though (high school & university age) – once they join a sport or another extra-curricular, they seem to really give it their all and would sometimes miss out on dating/socializing because of their hectic schedules. But that’s just my general observation.
Language is definitely the biggest problem, though for me most of my experiences are with 帰国子女 so I haven’t been exposed to those kinds of situation. Once you get the hang of the communication and culture barrier, the relationship usually works out really well. (It’s probably been said a million times already – but open communication is really the key to making a relationship work out).
As for Japanese guys always being shy, I think that really depends on the person. Generally (compared to Western culture) they are more reserved, but depending on the guy they can open up and be very expressive at times. For example, the guy I’m currently dating is extremely shy (I am also shy too), but he’s made it a priority to have an open communication in this relationship. So if one of us feels discomfort or hurt in our relationship, we make sure to voice it out instead of sulking about it.
And as for being physical, I think there’s a term for PDA in Japan (it’s called イチャイチャ if I’m not mistaken?) and it’s usually seen with a negative connotation. It took us months before he was comfortable with holding my hands out in public (though don’t get me wrong, he’s not afraid of being physical (touching, hugging, etc.) behind closed doors).
But really, I love how this article was put together. Hearing different perspectives on dating Japanese men really opens up your eyes. Every guys is different, (there isn’t a ‘certain behavior’ or ‘way’ that Japanese guys will act) – there are bad and good apples in every country.
Hello! :)
I agree that it depends on the person. Not all Japanese guys are shy. That’s also my experience. ^^
I’m glad to hear that it even works out if both are shy (like in your case). :)
Thanks for your comment. :3
I met my boyfriend through Tinder :)
I was in Japan for a short business trip last November 2014 and was just swiping for fun when I was about to leave. I left to head back to my country and when I got back home my gps didn’t reset yet. So I kept swiping and voila! I matched with someone who actually took the conversation further and out of the app (although in general, I found that Japanese guys take more initiative in Tinder than any other nationality.. hmm) anyway we started talking on LINE and on facebook.
To be honest, I was into this other guy more (I found his eyes realllyyyy nice) and we were actually very attracted to each other (sexually) and even made plans to meet him during my vacation to Japan March 2015. So I didn’t put much notice on this other guy (let’s call him K from now on). But I did think he was a very nice person early on — too nice for me.
Anyway, come January 2015 he quite his job in Japan and transferred to one located in Hong Kong. Before he moved to HK however he told me he wanted to go to my country first to meet me. This was February.
We started talking more often and I noticed (again) how nice of a person he was. He trusted me enough to actually introduce me to a close friend of his who was going to visit my country for a few days. Fast forward a bit I was on facebook when suddenly pictures of him smiling widely during an event popped on my newsfeed and made me stop what I was doing. Something about the ear-to-ear smile he had tugged my heartstrings. This was around three weeks prior his visit and since then I couldn’t stop browsing through his photos.
I was still talking to this other guy though (who at this point, I wanted to connect to in a deeper way and not just be his avenue for sexual release) and wasn’t quite sure how I was feeling. Fast forward to the day of A’s visit — within 4 hours I knew that I liked this person.
In my country, family and close friends matter a lot when choosing your partner. A made an effort to get to know my friends, and genuinely wanted to know my family. I was really surprised because at the end of the day, he was Japanese and I wasn’t used to that (stories from my Japanese friends and all).
We’re together now and in an LDR. He’s met my parents and he asks whenever they’re brought up if they do like him or not. Come May there will be a family event and when I invited him to come, he didn’t think twice and agreed. I visited him in HK too last month. We have no problems with fidelity and trust. Our only problem is communication, because I think it’s importance and how we perceive it is different.
Any insights would be helpful! :)
Hi, Erika.
Thanks a lot for sharing your story.
Well, if you think that communication is your problem, may I ask if you speak each others’ language? If not, how about making an effort to learn it?
If you’re serious about him and he’s serious about you, then that would definitely be an important step to take, don’t you think? :)
Hi, thanks so much for this blog, hope it ok I share my experience with my Japanese date, I went to Japan for first time on cherry blossom season, I was travel on my own and had 4 days without tour all by myself so I thought would be nice to chat with few Japanese boys and make friend with them before I go,, So they can show me around etc..I look up some website I start talking to about 3 boys, two of them bring up sex subject so I didn’t bother continue or needed to see them when I was there..
However this guy, A** I call him, he stood out, he seem nice and kind, he never bring sex subject when we chat, I told him I am not looking for anything but friendship but he still happy to see me. However I must mention I am a model and he said to me just to be able to see me in real life is already enough for him. I chat with him for a month before I travel to Japan.
We meet was I was here, he was nice and decent like I thought he would be, he not good looking and personally that I would go for but it was different from something I ever know or use to know, especially with my line of work. I start to think he cute and like him, my last two days left, I invited him to stay with me in hotel and he was so shy, and I made all the moved ( I know, just don’t judge me ) it was something news to me, if i was in my country those boys will just jump on me and I be gone by second. But not him he was different and I start to really like him. I was sad to leave him but I promise to come back again in August and we start to plan to travel together etc..
We chat everyday and he was very sweet to me, we start to say I love you etc, plan holiday and sent each other morning and goodnight text etc….however I have this big job coming and I was very stress about it, I have to go on diet etc to look good and I am always in bad mood, we get into fight, I told me to stress to much and I need to get away, and I might go to see him for few days in Japan,,,, but he doesn’t seem to be excited about it,,, wish make me more angry and to just blunt out and said I don’t want to see him anymore and just don’t talk to me anymore, I ask him to block me on line and Facebook, I was expect he would beg for me to stay like most people do but he didn’t and that was a big shock for me, he pretty much block me the next day on Facebook and line,, but just before I did that he told me some of my fan on Facebook sent him nasty text asking about our relationship,, I never post my personal life on Facebook to protect myself and him..so I don’t if it’s a lie or truth..
My questions to you out there is, should I apologise to him and say sorry for everything?? Well, he already block me so there no way to contact him but I have my personal Facebook that I hardly use… But use I let it go cause he maybe not that into me if he just block me like that right?? Any advise or help please?? Either way I feel really sad and sorry for what happen :((((
Hi there! :)
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. ^___^
Nobody will be able to give you a good advice as we don’t know the two of you.
To me it sounds like you really like each other and both of you acted a bit childish when you were hurt by what the other person did / said.
If you really like him a lot, I’d definitely apologize or at least talk about everything with him.
Good luck!
Thanks so much for your fast respond, I think I do like him a lot cause normally I wouldn’t bother do this :( my friends think it’s just a lust but I think I truly like him. Cause even though we didn’t spend much time together I feel like I am relax and myself around him, he not rish ,tall or good looking, but I can see he have good heart and that why I like him,,, he bought me white flowers cause I mention I love white colour, it was the cheapest flower bouquet I ever received but it was also the most sincere one I ever received, He said that he was surprise that I like him, cause he not tall and rish,, he can’t speak English well but he try to communicate to speak everything in English with me,,, me in other hand don’t speak a word of Japanese apart from hello and thank you :(
When we fight he wrote to me everything in Japanese, I don’t understand a word but I was too angry and bluntly say goodbye, I did apologies, which he accepted and said he want to me to understand how hard it was for him to communicate with me in English but he try, and for me to easily say goodbye is scare him… But when I say I will take a plane to see him in a week and hopefully everything back to normal,,,he hesitated and said please give him time that when I lost it and told him off, not want to see him or talk to him and tell him to block me etc :(
I know I been very childish, and bad but I want him to also understand that I am not that rish too, i work hard for me money too, for me to jump on the pone just to see him also a big deal for me too… And when he doesn’t seem excited or hesitated it make me doubt as well :(
I think it might be best to leave it for a week,, and see if he ever miss me than try to contact him on Facebook through my personal account, if he respond than great if not I just have to move on… When you think?
Well, you know him better than we do, so I guess what you suggested might be a good idea.
Wait a bit until both of you have cooled down and had some time to think about everything and then approach him.
Try to stay cool this time. ;)
Good luck!
Hello there!
I really enjoyed reading this article! I’m a young female student and am currently hanging out with my awesome Japanese friend. I’m not at all worried about what we are or our relationship but I just would like to say how much I enjoy the pace of our relationship! It is very slow compared to American standards and it really helps for us to get to know each other as friends before partners.
He and I click so well it’s almost unbelievable and there isn’t much of language barrier considering he’s rather fluent in English and I’m studying Japanese hard with most of my lessons coming from him a native Japanese speaker.
We met on an anime forum about four months ago and after becoming friends on Facebook talked almost every day but didn’t ever meet until about a month ago because we were both very serious about college. We now talk every day and hang out all the time. He’s super cool and kind about everything but by no means too nice. When we play video games he tries his hardest to beat me and when i win is crushed yet when he’s over my place he’ll do my dishes or even pick up my room when there’s literally no mention of it.
As far as being intimate we really are not and I enjoy that. We “accidentally” touch each other and he lays with me on my bed even though he told me he doesn’t really like to be touched. He touches me in weird places (like my belly) and loves smelling my hair and clothes hahaha.He also tells me I’m かわいい or cute hehe ^__^ through messages and in person, he even said it when we were on a crowded train. Sometimes I’ll reach for his hand only to pull mine away. (We like to mess with each other. Hehe)
Anyway he’s pretty much too awesome and I think that we are a lot closer than most “friends” would be haha. He’s the coolest guy now I want pizza, what do you guys think?
Hi,
Sounds like you have a really lovely relationship / friendship.
As it sounds, I wouldn’t push it and just go with the current pace.
Good luck! :)
Beautiful photos and great stories. I am Middle Eastern and my Fiance is Japanese :)
Hello Mazin,
I’m glad you liked the article. ^__^
Thanks so much for this blog. I would like to share my story and hope I can get some advice. Apologies in advance as it may be odd to ask for advice/suggestions here.
By way of a short background, I am a Chinese girl in HK (grew up in Canada) and my ex finace is a Japanese living in Tokyo. He grew up in Japan although he studied and worked in the States for a few years.
I was engaged with my ex fiance last December and our original wedding was early this year. We were in a long distance relationship for around a years before we got engaged. Due to work commitments and family issues, I proposed to postpone our wedding date. He immediately came to HK and we came to a concensus that we would stick with the original wedding date. Just a few days after he went back to Tokyo, he texted me that he had to cancel the wedding as he believed that we were not compatible. He ended our relationship only through messages and I never had a chance to speak with him on the phone. He never replied me since then. I did send him few emails and letters and he did not reply.
It has been almost 7-8 months by now. I have been missing him during this time. I can now hear my own voice at heart that I do love him. I regret that I had to prioritize work before him at that time without my choice. I want to reconnect with him but not sure what is the most approriate way to do so. We only had one common friend but she was not supportive of our relationship.
I know it’s very difficult to reconnect with him and I do understand that it takes two in a relationship. However, I still want to give it a try. I don’t know how to reconnect with him after the no contact period of more than half a year. He may have moved on with his life. I want to get back with him if he still has feelings for me. But if he has already met someone new, I would be happy for him too. Is there any advice / suggestions as to how to reconnect with my ex finace.
I am very grateful for any advice/suggestions :)
Why would you want to reconnect with such a person?
He just left you alone all of a sudden, you were unable to contact him – and that although you wanted to get married? It sounds very, very fishy to me.
Better stay away from a guy like that. You deserve better!
I know it’s easier said than done, but REALLY!!! T___T …
Thank you for your comments. I know it’s silly to reconnect with him. I guess it’s hard to give all the details here. I was told by our common friend that he was upset and was seeking counseling at that time. I just want to know what happened to clear any misunderstanding. As I do not have any Japanese friends, I do not know whether postponing the wedding was an insult to him and his family.
I lately date a japanese guy. We met a few weeks and thereafter he confessed to me and asked me to be his gf. I told him that we may just be friend. Thereafter, he texted me daily and eventually we decided to go on a date. We texted before our date that he may hold my hand and gave me a hug. Lately he texted me if we could kiss. I wonder if he really likes me or just keen to eventually ask for sex?
Just keep him at a distance for a while and see how he reacts. If he’s REALLY interested in you, he will keep up with that, but probably not if he just wants sex.
But eventually it’s impossible to know what the other person really thinks. :(
I just want to know if the guy is interested with me. We have known each other for almost 3 years now but we don’t usually hang out. He is one of my superior but also a friend when out of work. I have liked the guy since the first time I met him, even though he still have girlfriend before but they broke up already. So just recently he confessed his feelings indirectly, meaning he told his feelings about me to someone else although I was there beside him when he told that person. We have spent time alone together also. He knows that I like him, although I really did not do the proper kokohaku. The thing is he will be leaving for Japan for good and that would mean I won’t be seeing him again well I can still see him if he visits to my country again or I’d visit him in Japan. So before he came back to Japan we spent a week together, we ate at our fave restaurants, go to spas, and even have an overnight stay at the beach. We really had fun, then on his last day, when we separated he cried and hugged me tight. So for Japanese guys, what does it mean to cry? Does that mean that he actually have feelings for me? I really like the guy. Should I expect that there’s a possibility that we could be together in the future? But before he left, he even showed me where he will going to stay, and if I visit Japan he’d let me stay at his place and would show me around.
I guess it’s up to you and if you want a long-distance relationship or not.
Looks like you both have feelings for each other, but who knows what will happen to them if you are now living so far apart from each other.